Haggard (2003)

The reality show trend that rules the entertainment world has created a new kind of celebrity: people who are known for just being themselves. As an example, cast members from the controversial MTV stunt show Jackass seemed to pop up everywhere following the show's successful jump to the big screen in 2002. Jackass ringleader Johnny Knoxville had a starring role in the big-screen adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard along with major supporting roles in Men in Black 2 and the remake of Walking Tall, while Chris Pontius and Steve-O had their own nature show, Wildboyz, on MTV2. Meanwhile, skateboarding virtuoso Bam Margera made a name for himself not only through Jackass, but through a series of underground skateboarding videos and his show Viva La Bam. He's even made his own movie. That direct-to-video flick, Haggard, just may be the weirdest vanity project ever made.

Ryan (Ryan Dunn) can't catch any breaks. He's completely obsessed with his cheating ex-girlfriend Glauren (Jenn Rivell), even though their relationship is long over. Ryan just refuses to let go, and incessantly tries to push his way back into her life. When he discovers that Glauren has hooked up with a sleazy headbanger named Hellboy (Rake Yohn), he absolutely snaps. He becomes so infuriated that he recruits his friends Valo (Bam Margera) and Falcone (Brandon Dicamillo) to help give him some closure on things. Valo and Falcone think he's crazy, but when he offers them each a hundred dollars to vandalize her house, they can't say no.

In the meantime, Ryan flirts with insanity. He has a run-in with a police officer (Tony Hawk) while blowing off steam, he frquently butts head with his roommate (Don Vito), and even gets stabbed in the eye with a fork. Even after Ryan commissions Valo and Falcone to break into Glauren's house and find concrete proof of her indiscretions, they continue to push their friend into finally moving on for good.

Part comedy, part music video, and part skateboarding exhibition, Haggard is a true oddity. The film was directed, edited, co-starred, and co-written by Margera, and he has put together a quite bizarre piece of work with this one. If Adam Sandler's films are vanity pieces, then Haggard is an insanity piece. The cast is made up almost entirely of Margera's friends and relatives, features extensive skateboarding montages, and is set to music from bands that Margera is involved with or religiously listens to. Margera's character is even named after Ville Valo, the lead singer of Finnish rock band HIM, Margera's favorite band. All of this makes Haggard seem like little more than an elaborate home video. Yet, when the film can stick to the main story, which seems to run for only about half of the movie's 96-minute running time, Haggard is actually quite entertaining.

Dunn's acting is very good, considering Haggard is the first movie that doesn't require him to do insane stunts. His character is easy to identify with, and even feel sorry for. Meanwhile, Margera's acting is decent at best, but his ability for writing (he co-wrote the movie with Dicamillo and Chris Aspité) and directing shine. Naturally, he takes time to show off his skateboarding prowess. While it may fit in perfectly with the chase scene, the various montages of him skateboarding really don't fit in with the rest of the movie.

However, Margera is a far better director than he has any right to be. The film boasts rich colors and gorgeous cinematography courtesy of long-time Margera collaborator Joseph Frantz, and though the time-lapse effect is far too overused, the editing keeps the movie at a fast pace so nothing really drags.

The third member of the movie's main trio, Dicamillo, is the movie's true comic relief. He primarily plays Falcone, but shows his comedic talent with no less than four other minor roles. He steals many scenes with his frantic delivery, and gives us many memorable lines and moments. Also worth noting are Chris Raab and Margera's uncle Don Vito, both of whom turn in hilarious performances as Falcone's weirdo cousin and Ryan's hedonistic roommate respectively.

The movie contains some funny and insane moments, and like Jackass, the viewer finds themselves laughing in spite of themselves. Comparable to an Kevin Smith film on LSD, Haggard is a low-budget independent movie that actually does something different, and is all the better for it. Haggard is one of those films which has no right to be as good as it is, but is light-years better than anyone would ever expect. It's definitely cheap, both in production and execution, but it contains quite a bit of energy (which is helped by funny cameos from various pro skateboarders, as well as a killer soundtrack) and has some legitimately funny jokes.

If Margera could have cut back on all the skateboarding and musical montages, it could have been the next Clerks. I mean, it seems like at least sixty percent of the movie is just meant to show off that Margera can skateboard and use time-lapse photography equipment. As it is now, the movie is simply an oddity that I doubt will gain much of an audience outside of diehard fans of Margera's crew. However, I recommend it if you're at all interested in seeing a group of former Jackass cast members make an actual movie, if you're a fan of independent comedies, or if just need a way to kill some time and have a few laughs for an hour and a half.

Final Rating: ***

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

In my Night of the Living Dead review, I mentioned that it was the first movie that came to my mind when I thought of great Creature Feature movies. If you're reading this, you've stumbled upon the second movie that comes to my mind: a little movie called The Return of the Living Dead. Released in 1985, it beat George Romero's Day of the Dead as the zombie movie of choice that year, and has become one of the more popular cult classics of the last twenty years. How well does it hold up? We'll see.

Freddy (Thom Mathews) has just started a new job at a medical supply company, conveniently located near a rundown old cemetery, and Frank (James Karen), a fellow co-worker, is showing him the ropes on his first night. After their boss, Burt (Clu Gulager), leaves for the night, Frank starts telling Freddy a story about how Night of the Living Dead was based on a true incident. The story goes that a chemical spill in a military hospital revived the bodies in the morgue, and as part of the coverup, the government forced the makers of Night of the Living Dead to change various bits and pieces of the movie so their story wouldn't match what really happened.

Naturally, Freddy thinks Frank is full of crap. Frank shushes him, telling him that some canisters that hold the re-animated bodies are in the basement. He goes on to explain that the government took all the bodies from the morgue, stored them in big oil-drum canisters, and shipped them off to a research facility. Due to a snafu in the paperwork, a few of the canisters were dropped off at the medical supply company instead. Frank takes Freddy down to the basement to prove it, and he smacks one of the canisters to show how strong they are. This proves to be a horrible mistake, as the canister cracks open, and a burst of noxious chemicals spew into their faces.

The chemicals end up re-animating a "split dog" and some butterflies, as well as a cadaver locked in cold storage. They freak out, eventually calling Burt to help them deal with the cadaver. Burt suggests hitting it in the brain, since it worked in every other zombie movie. Stabbing it in the head with a pickax and sawing its head off don't work, so they eventually decide to hack the body into pieces and take them to Ernie (Don Calfa), who works at the mortuary next door. Why? The mortuary happens to have a cremation furnace, that's why. They convince Ernie to burn what's left of the cadaver, but the smoke from the furnace pumps into the nearby cemetery, where Freddy's girlfriend Tina (Beverly Randolph) and a group of their friends are partying. The smoke re-animates the dead bodies in the cemetery, unleashing an army of brain-eating zombies that Freddy and his friends must escape.

Honestly, The Return of the Living Dead is some of the most fun I've ever had watching a movie. It's got lots of great looking makeup effects, and it has a perfect combination of both horror and humor. It serves as an homage to classic zombie movies of the past, but has fun at their expense as well. That can be obviously seen in a moment where Burt, Freddy, and Frank realize that their pickax-to-the-brain attack on the cadaver didn't work. Frank's response: "But it worked in the movie!"

The acting is better thane expected as well. James Karen and Thom Mathews turn in good performances (so good they brought them back for the sequel as extremely similar characters), as do Don Calfa and Clu Gulager. Almost all of the punks, especially Miguel Núñez and the late Mark Venturini, are great as well. However, I was less than impressed with Beverly Randolph, but that's just a minor gripe.

 The zombie makeup is excellent, especially for a low-budget movie from the mid-80s (the best examples being the Tarman and the Half-Lady). They're also different from the slow-moving, lumbering zombies that became the norm over the years. These suckers can run, talk, and they're clever too. It's definitely a nice breath of fresh air. The punk element is a nice addition as well, just because all the punk songs on the soundtrack make the movie that much cooler. Plus there's one punk, played by Linnea Quigley, that's absolutely naked in 98 percent of her scenes. As you can imagine, she became a B-movie "Scream Queen" thanks to the role.

Overall, I'll give The Return of the Living Dead a full five stars for being one of my all-time favorite movies. A fine mixture of dark humor and horror with great one-liners, an awesome soundtrack, and a totally unexpected ending, I recommend it for fans of both zombie movies and low-budget B-movie thrill rides.

Final Rating: *****

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Name one zombie movie. C'mon, just name one. If you're anything like me, the first one to come to mind was probably Night of the Living Dead. A staple of late-night Creature Feature Shows, it certainly wasn't the first zombie movie, but it brought them into the limelight. Since then, zombies have become one of the most popular sub-genres of horror, appearing in everything from movies to video games. Directed by an aspiring Pittsburgh filmmaker named George Romero, Night of the Living Dead has become one of the most enduring, beloved, and imitated classics of horror, and made its director a legend. So enough ballyhoo, let's get to the review. (Hey, that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.)

The movie's plot is astoundingly simple. We begin, appropriately enough, at a cemetery in the middle of nowhere, where bickering siblings Barbara (Judith O'Dea) and Johnny (Russell Streiner) arrive to put flowers on the grave of their father. As Johnny teases his sister, they're attacked by a pale-faced man (Bill Hinzman) who they assume either drunk, crazy, or both. Barbara flees after the man bashes Johnny's head against a tombstone, eventually arriving at a secluded farmhouse. Shortly thereafter, a man named Ben (Duane Jones) shows up in a stolen truck, and he begins to barricade the house to protect them from the growing number of zombies outside. They find a band of five survivors hidden in the basement: young couple Tom (Keith Wayne) and Judy (Judith Ridley), and the Cooper family, Harry (Karl Hardman), Helen (Marilyn Eastman), and their injured daughter Karen (Kyra Schon). The panic-stricken group must now defend themselves from not only a veritable army of flesh-eating ghouls, but from the growing tension and cabin fever inside the house.

The first chapter of what's known as Romero's "Dead Trilogy" (the other parts being 1978's Dawn of the Dead and 1986's Day of the Dead), Night of the Living Dead has spent the last four decades cementing its reputation as one of the true shining stars of the horror genre. The movie is also a prime example of a movie that has no humor (outside of one throwaway line), but rather paints a bleak portrait of society. George Romero's "Dead" movies have always been known for their underlying social commentaries, and Night is no different. Though he was probably cast just because he was the best actor to audition for the role, having Duane Jones, an African-American, as the lead actor surrounded by a cast of Caucasians seemingly gives the movie a condemning outlook on racism. Jones's character takes charge of the situation almost immediately, a move which causes him to butt heads with Karl Hardman's antagonistic, mean-spirited Harry. And I don't want to give away the ending, but it doesn't seem like a coincidence that it had a very "lynch mob" type of feeling to it.

When it's not making any kind of commentary on society, the script has consistently realistic dialogue, a good lesson for horror filmmakers. The genre is an extension of the fantasy realm, and to that extent, excuses often ridiculous dialogue. However, Romero shows us a realism that enhances the fear of the film. Yeah, the characters make the dumb moves associated with horror movies, but the characters actually react to said dumb moves. Though some of my fellow critics and moviegoers may disagree, the movie is visually astounding as well. The gritty look of the movie adds to the movie's claustrophobia, as if the zombies are around the corner at all times.

Of course, such illusions make the film a more frightening experience, and that's just the point. Shot in black and white with stark, natural lighting, the movie's lack of color enhances the movie's frightening atmosphere. Shadows appear everywhere, and the movie looks almost unreal. I can't say so for sure, but it's almost as if Romero meant to make the movie with a chiaroscuro style, to give the movie an unreal vibe that makes it that much more terrifying. Romero's direction is also superb. Shot in black and white with stark, natural lighting, the movie's lack of color enhances the movie's frightening atmosphere. Shadows appear everywhere, and the movie looks almost unreal. I can't say so for sure, but it's almost as if Romero meant to make the movie with a chiaroscuro style, to give the movie an unreal vibe that makes it that much more frightening.

The actors are also up to the task required of them. Duane Jones (a brave bit of casting, considering black leading men were few and far between at the time) and Karl Hardman are wonderful as the constantly clashing Ben and Harry, but on the other hand, I could take or leave Judith O'Dea's character Barbara. Her nearly-comatose, always-whining character is insanely annoying, though I'm sure that was the point. Barbara is almost like a toddler, and she often gets in the way of something more important. I found it to be an interesting dynamic compared to the rest of the cast. Barbara sits around and mopes all the time, while the other characters actually try to survive. It's almost as if she's resigned herself to the fact that like it or not, they're all screwed.

Night of the Living Dead is a masterpiece, which still holds up under today's standards. Romero takes an intense social commentary, fine acting, and graphic violence and crams them into ninety-six minutes, creating one of the most influential and important films of the twentieth century. If you have seen it, watch it again. If you haven't seen it, why not? Despite four decades having passed since its first release, it holds up as a true classic, one which leaves an indelible mark on modern cinema as we know it. 

Final Rating: ****½

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Have you ever noticed that sequels seem to pop up like hotcakes? All of Pierce Brosnon's Bond movies came out within a few years of each other, the Matrix sequels opened six months apart, and the average period between Friday the 13th movies is two years. But look at the Terminator movies. T2 was made seven years after the original, and it was another twelve years before the third chapter of the trilogy was made. Such a long period of time between them can only mean they'll have plenty of time to make each sequel as good as they possibly can, right? Not always.

Let's catch up with the plot: John Connor (Nick Stahl) is a homeless drifter living "off the grid" so there's no paperwork or computer files to prove he exists. Why? He's still scared that a Terminator might try to hunt him down again. That's when Skynet decides to alter their game plan a little. Since they can't find John Connor in the past, they'll go back in time to kill all of his lieutenants while they're just teenagers and twenty-somethings. To accomplish this, Skynet sends back the T-X (Kristanna Loken), a new-and-improved Terminator armed to the teeth with her own built-in weapons.

Anyway, John wrecks his motorcycle and tears up his leg, so he breaks into an animal hospital and fixes himself up. Around that time, Kate Brewster (Claire Danes), who works at said animal hospital, shows up and finds John. They don't know it yet, but Kate will end up being John's second-in-command and wife. She's also next on the T-X's hit list. Speaking of the T-X, guess who else shows up at the animal hospital. Yep, you guessed it. The T-X discovers that John's been there, and decides that she's gonna kill both him and Kate. Luckily for our heroes, somebody else has been sent back in time, too. What kind of Terminator movie would it be without a T-800? I just don't know. A programmed-for-heroism T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) shows up in the nick of time and saves John and Kate, leading to one of the wildest and most destructive chase scenes I've ever seen.

We also learn why Skynet and Terminators still exist, despite the destruction of Cyberdyne Industries at the end of T2. Turns out the government had just contracted Cyberdyne to assist the military in the creation of Skynet, and Cyberdyne's destruction just slowed things down for a decade or so. But during Skynet's evolution, a super-virus has infected just about every computer in the world, affecting everything from the civilian Internet to government security. The military plans to use Skynet to combat the virus, but for a few crucial minutes, machines would be in complete control. Air Force official Robert Brewster (David Andrews), who just so happens to be Kate's father, wants to avoid using the untested prototype, but he's being pressured by his colleagues to take action. While Brewster weighs his options, Kate flees the T-X with the help of John and the T-800. Knowing that Skynet will soon launch and Judgment Day is bound to occur, the trio head for Kate's father's Air Force base and try delaying the end of the world.

Those of you who liked the last twenty minutes of T2 will like T3. The movie just beats the viewer over the head with the action, squeezing in plot points whenever it feels like it. Unlike its two predecessors, all of the moments in which we try to develop dramatic tension between our three heroes doesn't work that well. Sure, the actors tried their best, but it just didn't really do anything for me. I thought Nick Stahl was good, but he didn't convey the same arrogance or brashness of Edward Furlong. Stahl's John just came off as being a whiny little turd. But then again, I guess that time has made John a different person, so maybe I should be a little more forgiving.

Claire Danes, I was less than impressed with. Even though she brought depth to a poorly written, nearly useless character, Kate serves as nothing more than the cynical victim who becomes a tough believer by the end of the movie. She's no replacement for Linda Hamilton's Sarah Connor (who we learn during T3 died of leukemia between the two movies). You know, I heard that Linda Hamilton turned down the movie because she didn't want to be remembered for just Sarah Connor. Besides the Beauty and the Beast TV show, what else has she got? She might have some people who remember Children of the Corn, but if people don't know her as Sarah Connor, they'll probably have no idea who she is. I also don't know why they didn't just cast Linda's twin sister Leslie to play Sarah. Leslie had an extremely brief appearance in T2 (as the T-1000 imitating Sarah at the end), and I couldn't tell them apart.

There's also Kristanna Loken as the T-X (or "Terminatrix," as she's been called). While I didn't think she was as intimidating a villain as the T-1000, but still manages to look mean just through her movement and facial expressions. And finally, there's the ubiquitous Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even at 50 years old, he still has what it takes to be an action star. And despite his awful attempts at comedy (such as the holiday "classic" Jingle All the Way), his deadpan delivery provides good laughs in otherwise boring scenes. Stan Winston's effects team gets a thumbs-up for this one. Despite the over-reliance on CGI, I thought everything looked extremely believable. And I must applaud them for designing the T-1 robots. They're real robots, folks. No puppets or CGI there. I also thought Marco Beltrami's score wasn't bad. Sure, it wasn't as good as Brad Fiedel's scores from the prior movies, but it wasn't awful.

While not as good as the work of James Cameron, I must also applaud Jonathan Mostow for having the ambition to attempt a Terminator film. But hard as he tried, the resulting effort was simply "okay." Not good, not bad, just there. I know T2 was a hard act to follow, and Mostow does try to hit the mark, but it's a miss by just a narrow margin. Now how are they gonna follow up on that ending?

Final Rating: ***

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

After the runaway success that was The Terminator, the public began begging for a sequel. Unfortunately, due to some legal problems, nobody could acquire the proper rights to do it. For almost a decade, the project floated in limbo while those involved with the first film went on with their lives. James Cameron directed such films as Aliens and The Abyss, Arnold Schwarzenegger became one of the biggest action stars in history, Linda Hamilton didn't do anything noteworthy (other than the Beauty and the Beast TV show with Ron Perlman), and Michael Biehn's character died at the end of The Terminator, so why would he be in the sequel? But finally, Mario Kassar's now-defunct Carolco Pictures acquired the final rights, and seven years after the original, Terminator 2 was a reality.

The nuclear war between humans and machines is still inevitable, but the machines refuse to give up. The original Terminator programmed to kill Sarah Connor in 1984 failed, so the machines sent a second Terminator back through time to attack her son. In both instances, the Human Resistance was able to send back a lone protector. In the present of 1994, a burst of energy signals the arrival of another Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger). He's not the same, but he just looks like it. He arrives at a biker bar, where he starts a brawl while acquiring clothes, a motorcycle, and a shotgun. Meanwhile, a Los Angeles police officer stops to investigate an electrical disturbance in a vacant alley. A smaller figure (Robert Patrick) jumps the officer from behind, takes his gun and uniform, and steals his police car.

Both are on the trail of young John Connor (Edward Furlong), a disillusioned preteen living with foster parents in suburban LA. John and a friend decide to head to the mall, stopping briefly at an ATM, where John hacks into it with an ATM and makes off with 200 dollars. His friend discovers a familiar picture in John's knapsack, asking who the woman in the picture is. The woman is John's mother Sarah (Linda Hamilton), who is locked in a maximum-security mental hospital, thanks to her stories about a cyborg assassin trying to kill her and the coming nuclear holocaust.

John and his friend head to the local mall, where the two visitors from the future intercept them. Running from the man he thinks is a cop, John runs right into the Terminator, who whips out his shotgun. John turns to run but finds himself looking down the barrel of the cop's weapon. In the ensuing shootout, John realizes that the Terminator is actually there to protect him and it's the cop who's hunting him.

Separated during the battle, John flees on his dirtbike. The cop follows at an unbelievable speed, first on foot and then in a gigantic tow truck. The chase continues into a flood canal, with the Terminator following behind on his motorcycle. He saves John from being crushed, and the truck meets a fiery crash at a narrow crossing. The Terminator and John quickly leave the scene, at which point the Terminator (who I'll call the T-800 from hereon) explains that an adult John sent him here from the future. Their adversary is an extremely advanced Terminator, named the T-1000. It's made from what the Terminator calls "mimetic polyalloy," allowing to imitate almost anything it touches. After deducing that the T-1000 may imitate Sarah to get to him, John demands that they free her from the loony bin.

But Sarah has her own plans. The police ask her about pictures of the T-800's mall appearance, linking it to the other T-800 from 1984. While apparently comatose, she manages to snatch a paperclip she uses to later escape from her cell. John and the T-800 arrive just in time to save Sarah from the T-1000, heading for a secret weapons cache in the desert near the Mexican border. However, a nightmare of the future convinces Sarah that she needs to act, and stop the war at the source.

T2 is one of my favorite movies, and for good reason. It's probably one of the best action movies I've ever seen in my life. It far succeeds the original movie in almost every category. The action and stunt work is quite possibly the best seen in any movie of its kind. We see a variety of motorcycle stunts, a chase scene involving a giant tow truck, numerous shootouts, a motorcycle jumping from a building to a helicopter, a chase scene involving a helicopter and a SWAT van, and in the most ambitious stunt in the movie, a real office building being destroyed in an explosion (with no CGI or miniatures being used). For all of the action, none of it is gratuitous. It's all done to advance the story.

I thought the acting was fine as well. As the "good" version of his character from the prior Terminator movie, Schwarzenegger is given much more to work with this time around. The T-800 is given some depth and development. He's not the same heartless killing machine, but a more sentimental role. But despite the sentimentality, Arnold's still a tough guy, especially early in the movie. Linda Hamilton also shines as Sarah, who's now become a tough soldier, instead of the scared-of-everything waitress from 1984. The fact that nobody believes her ranting and raving about the end of the world give her character some much-needed growth. In fact, her machine-like determination almost makes her what she fears the most.

As the T-1000, Robert Patrick does a very effective job playing the leaner, meaner Terminator model in contrast to Arnold's T-800. In some scenes, he comes off as being very snide and sarcastic; in others, he's the devil in a cop uniform. And for such a scrawny-looking villain, he's actually just as intimidating as Arnold in the first Terminator movie. However, I wasn't a fan of Edward Furlong. He's not horrible, but his extreme lack of acting experience is unavoidably noticeable.

I also enjoyed Brad Fiedel's score, which improved from the prior film, yet still remained somewhat similar. I guess if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It makes some scenes absolutely perfect, and fits well within the context of the film. In one scene, Sarah stalks Miles Dyson, the designer of Skynet, outside his home with an almost Terminator-like intensity, which is complimented with a reworking of the classic Terminator theme. Great stuff.

There is no rating I can give Terminator 2 besides five stars. T2 is one of those movies that will blow you away and still have you come back for more. I said earlier that it's one of the best movies I've ever seen, and I meant it. If you haven't seen it, you should.

Final Rating: *****

The Terminator (1984)

Most action movies seem to just blend together. Gunshots, explosions, meathead heroes, and generic villains. But there's been one film that's stood out in both the action and sci-fi genres, withstanding the test of time as one of the most popular movies ever. You might have heard of it. It's a little flick called The Terminator.

The year is 1984. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) is an average girl in Los Angeles, with a crappy waitress job and a ditzy, man-crazy roommate. Sarah doesn't know it yet, but she's an important woman. Her yet-to-be-conceived son John will lead the human race to victory in a nuclear war against an artificial intelligence called "Skynet" in the year 2029. It's around that time that the machines devise a plan to win the war before it begins. They send a cyborg assassin called the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) back to 1984 to kill Sarah before John is born, thus preventing him from leading the Human Resistance.

Luckily for her, the human army has discovered Skynet's scheme, sending their own soldier, Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn), to the past to protect her. Will the Terminator accomplish its mission, or will Reese be successful and protect Sarah and the unborn John? (Since there's two more Terminator movies, I guess the answer is obvious. Work with me, people. I'm trying to establish some drama.)

So we've got all the elements of an action/sci-fi movie. A robot from the future that likes to shoot people and blow stuff up goes back in time to shoot women named Sarah Connor and blow up stuff in 1984. What's more action and sci-fi than that? It also made Arnold a bona fide superstar. Sure, there were those Conan movies and Pumping Iron and the Mr. Universe titles, but playing a machine made him famous. Maybe you could blame James Cameron for casting him in the role that made him famous, prompting him to make movies like Batman and Robin and Jingle All the Way before becoming the governor of California. And you thought you hated James Cameron for making Titanic. Now you can hate him for having a hand in making a Austrian bodybuilder the leader of the most important state in America. (I kid, Arnold. Please don't go back in time and kill my parents. I like my parents.) Regardless of all that, this movie's a classic for good reason. We've got a love story between Reese and Sarah, explosions, Arnold being the baddest mofo ever, explosions, time travel, a shootout in a nightclub, explosions, and the line "I'll be back." Oh, and explosions. Guns too. Lots of them. What's not to love?

First off, I think the casting was great. Arnold is perfect in his role, as the heartless killing machine. It's weird knowing that O.J. Simpson was once considered for such a recognizable character, but was turned down because nobody thought he could be believable in the role. And really, does O.J. Simpson look like a killer to you? But Arnold is extremely fitting for the role. Sure, he doesn't have a lot of lines, but he doesn't need to speak to be effective. He accomplishes that by having such a dominating screen presence.

Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton are great as well. Biehn really works well as the soldier sacrificing everything to protect Sarah, while Hamilton gives off the "helpless damsel in distress" vibe that her character needed. It's unfortunate that Biehn's best scene (which is included on the DVD) was cut from the movie, because I think it could have given his character some depth. Eh, can't have everything, I guess. Brad Fiedel's score was also perfect. It sounds almost robotic, which I found to be extremely fitting. It made certain scenes (like the nightclub shootout, and the Terminator rising from the ashes of the destroyed tanker truck near the end of the movie) work extremely well, as did John Cameron's direction. His utilization of slow-motion in some scenes (like the aforementioned nightclub shootout) makes them much more effective.

Overall, I'll give the movie three and a half stars out of five. It'd have been four or maybe even five, but there's just some stuff in the movie I didn't like. The movie's low budget really shows in some parts, especially the scene where the Terminator gives itself repairs, and a shot of the skinless Terminator chasing Sarah and Reese looks a little too cheesy. Those things can be forgiven, but it's still distracting. But overall, I liked the movie, and it deserves all the praise it gets.

 Final Rating: ***½

American Psycho (2000)

Few books in recent memory have sparked as much discussion and controversy as American Psycho, written by Bret Easton Ellis. Inciting numerous protests following its initial publication in 1991 (one group called it an instruction manual for budding misogynists), it returned literary society to a day in which books were life and death, and served as more than a way to kill a few hours.

Its extreme and graphic violent and sexual content caused an uproar, many decrying it as an instruction manual for budding young murderers. Ellis's original manuscript was even denied by its initial publisher, Simon and Schuster, due to some of the company's female employees raising a stink during the editing process.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before somebody made a movie version of it. Adapted into a film by I Shot Andy Warhol director Mary Harron and screenwriting partner Guinevere Turner, American Psycho is naturally tamer than its source material, yet still manages to be a chillingly demented film.

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) has everything a man could hope for. He's a well-to-do Wall Street power broker with more money than he knows what to do with. His fiancée Evelyn (Reese Witherspoon) is gorgeous, as is his coked-up mistress Courtney (Samantha Mathis) and his devoted secretary Jean (Chloë Sevigny). He's got designer suits in his closet and designer pharmaceuticals in his bathroom.

Bateman's entire life is based around superficial things, and like his peers and colleagues, he is fueled by a desire for more. The more he acquires, the more individuality he loses. The more individuality he loses, the less control he has over the urges that, ironically, give him his individuality. You see, Patrick Bateman likes to murder people. He doesn't care if it's a homeless person, a prostitute, a friend, someone he's just met, or even an animal, Bateman's desire to kill is insatiable. Few films can be horrific, charming, and hilarious at the same time, yet American Psycho pulls it off. A satire of the late-'80s "Reaganomics" yuppie society, the movie blends horror and dark comedy perfectly. Patrick Bateman is everything that the yuppie stereotype would lead you to believe. He is rich, self-absorbed, addicted to sex and cocaine. He and his peers are prime examples of what noted economist Thorstein Veblen referred to as "conspicuous consumption."

Outside of his murderous desires and extreme antisocial behavior, Patrick Bateman is really no different from any of his colleagues. They're just as hollow and faceless as he is. They all thrive on conforming to a materialistic, superficial mold. One scene in the film features Bateman and his friends comparing business cards prior to a meeting. Each person tries to trump the other with the details of their card, yet all the cards look exactly the same. However, Bateman goes to extreme ends to conform to the appearances and values of his peers. If the desires of his friends are comparable to those of a blood-hungry murderer, what does that say about them?

Bateman cares about nothing but status. When his fiancée suggests he quit his job, he flatly refuses. She asks why, he retorts "Because I want to fit in." However, as his murderous desires get stronger and his crimes get more frightening, his desire to be noticed becomes greater as well. He constantly brings up pointless minutiae about serial killers like Ed Gein and Ted Bundy, and randomly drops in lines such as "I like to dissect girls. Did you know that I am utterly insane?" He goes as far as to describe his job not as "mergers and acquisitions," but as "murders and executions." However, either nobody notices or nobody cares. They are completely oblivious to his admissions of guilt, like he never said anything at all. Even his blatant death threats are looked over. "I'm going to stab you and play with your blood" isn't the kind of sentence one should ignore, is it? It's like everyone is so wrapped up in themselves, that they just don't care if a serial killer is in their midst.

The cast also plays their characters fantastically. Christian Bale is absolutely wonderful. He doesn't play Patrick Bateman; he becomes Patrick Bateman. He takes the role and makes it seem real, right down to his sardonic personality and calm killer instinct. Even in the most over-the-top scenes, Bale is a believable character. If I didn't know any better, I'd truly believe that Bale was a psychotic yuppie. His calm, almost friendly demeanor despite the harsh, condescending words he speaks is almost comedic, but disconcerting as well. If I knew he wasn't completely serious, I'd almost think he was joking.

I also enjoyed Chloë Sevigny and Resse Witherspoon as Bateman's secretary and his ditsy fiancée, respectively. The rest of the cast (including Jared Leto and Willem Dafoe) are all great, as well, but the movie is all about Christian Bale. The whole movie rested on the ability of the actor playing that role, and Bale pulled it off excellently.

Like I said before, the movie's not just a horror flick, but a dark comedy as well. In one scene, the lead character goes on and on about the meaning of Huey Lewis lyrics and dances around to "Hip to Be Square" while hacking a colleague to pieces with an axe. It's one of those things where you don't know if you should laugh or be terrified.

But I doubt the comedy would have worked that well if it were not for the strength of both the cast, and the script penned by Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner. Harron and Turner's script is nothing short of brilliant. They never truly answer whether Bateman is imagining things or if he really is a murderer, but I believe that was for the best. Sometimes open endings like that can be very good, as they make for intriguing discussion topics after the credits have rolled.

Meanwhile, Harron's direction is also wonderful. Not only does it feature its own comedic take on the ear scene from Reservoir Dogs (or the "Singin' In The Rain" scene from A Clockwork Orange, if you prefer), but it features one of the weirdest, most insane chase scenes I've ever had the pleasure of viewing. You can't go wrong with that. I should also point out the brilliant bit of filmmaking that is the aforementioned "Hip to Be Square" scene. At the end, one side of Bateman's face is covered in blood, with his hair a wild, unkempt mess. The other side is spotless, and he looks like nothing happened. He almost appears to be a gore-soaked version of Batman villain Two-Face. I took this to be representative of his dual nature as a yuppie by day, and a sex-crazed psychopath by night. If that was the intention, bravo to Harron.

I also absolutely loved the music in the movie. Velvet Underground bassist John Cale gives us an excellent score, with both gorgeous pianos and haunting strings where needed. And the songs in the movie... holy cow. We've got Phil Collins (both solo and with Genesis), Huey Lewis, New Order, Robert Palmer, David Bowie, Katrina and the Waves, and an orchestral version of Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All." Just listening to the music is an experience all to itself.

Quite a few reviewers who ride upon a high horse are quick to complain that a movie (and ostensibly, a novel) seen directly through the eyes of a brutal, sadistic serial killer is not something an everyday Joe should read. It'll never be featured in Oprah's book club. However, what makes no sense is that people can deride American Psycho for its misogyny and violence, yet praise movies like The Silence of the Lambs. The Silence of the Lambs is a great movie, don't get me wrong. But watching it, I saw a cannibal attempt to bite a police officer's nose off before beating another officer to death with a nightstick. There was also the man who kept women in a pit in his basement, starving them in order to "loosen their skin" so he could peel it off their body and craft a suit made from their flesh. The only real difference between American Psycho and The Silence of the Lambs is that American Psycho has a different point of view. The Silence of the Lambs has Clarice Starling serving as something of a moral high ground, yet if it had been told through the eyes of Buffalo Bill, it would perhaps have been closer in tone to American Psycho.

But if it absolutely had to be compared to another film, I'd say the movie is what would happen if Gordon Gecko from Wall Street was the main character of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Upon first glance, American Psycho may seem like the story of a conceited, boring yuppie who is only interesting when he's committing horrible acts of violence. But if viewed as the satire it really is, it can serve as a statement about the morals (or lack thereof) of a materialistic society. I think that statement still holds up today, in a society judges you by the clothes you wear, the car you drive, and the CDs you own. Go rent it with an open mind, and I think you might enjoy it.

Final Rating: ****½

They Live (1988)

In the pantheon of directors that use their films to make social commentaries, one of the most underrated is John Carpenter. While he may have gained fame from such cult classics as Halloween and Escape from New York, perhaps some of his best work comes in films where he had a statement to make. Take movies like The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness. One can view The Thing as a movie about McCarthyism, while In the Mouth of Madness can be seen as a cautionary tale about losing yourself in fantasy while reality crashes around you.

Another of these movies is They Live, a near-parody of the "Reaganomics" society of the late 1980s, where wealth ends up in the hands of a yuppie minority while the working class get poorer and poorer. While not as famous or acclaimed as some of his other films, I'm of the opinion that's it's up there as one of his best. It also marks his return to the realm of science fiction, serving as a nod to classic sci-fi movies from the 1950s, along with a dash of nihilism to boot.

As the movie begins, we're introduced to Nada (Roddy Piper), a down-on-his-luck construction worker who's just moved from Denver to Los Angeles in search of a job. Living out of a backpack he carries with him, Nada finally finds work at a construction site. But unfortunately, with no money to rent an apartment or motel room, he's forced to camp in a village of homeless people near where he works. While relaxing in the homeless neighborhood after work, Nada glances at the old, crappy television that some of his "neighbors" happen to have. It's never explained how exactly they have electricity, so I'm just gonna assume that they somehow had a generator, or patched into a utility pole. Maybe they even got an extension cord and ran it into someone's house. Just because they're homeless doesn't mean they're not resilient.

Anyway, all that's on TV are crappy fashion commercials until a pirate broadcast interrupts. A gruff middle-aged man with a beard rants off some kind of conspiracy theory, amusing Nada, who compares the rant to a similar statement that a fellow construction worker, Frank (Keith David), made earlier. When Nada notices some suspicious activity around a Presbyterian church across the street from his makeshift home, it arouses suspicions that the conspiracy ideas may actually have merit. He sneaks into the church, where he discovers a large chemistry set, and boxes of seemingly ordinary sunglasses. He takes a box, hiding it in an alley for safekeeping.

When he walks back into the street and puts on the glasses, he makes a discovery that he was never prepared for. Street signs, billboards, and magazines contain subliminal messages like "Obey," "Conform," "No Independent Thought," and "Do Not Question Authority." Money contains the message "This Is Your God."

But it's not until he bumps into a man at a magazine rack that he discovers that he can see the true face of humanity. The wealthy and important are actually aliens that are keeping humans ignorant to their plan of planetary domination through subliminal messages and hypnotism. And by God, Nada's gonna bring 'em down.

Up until the discovery of the sunglasses, the movie's atmosphere is unusual, and is relatively slow. It seems like Carpenter is making an attempt to make a bland, preachy movie about the poor and downtrodden of society. But after ol' Rowdy Roddy finds the glasses (which makes everything look black-and-white, by the way), the movie gets crazy-go-nuts. I think the only other guys that would have worked in the lead role would maybe be Bruce Campbell or Kurt Russell, but I think Roddy does what he does with excellence. His pro wrestling background helped him a lot, as he was super-intense without even looking like he was upset. Besides, I don't believe that Bruce Campbell or Kurt Russell could have made a five-minute street fight look good, nor deliver some of Nada's great dialogue. I don't know who else could storm into a bank with a shotgun and declare "I am here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum" with a straight face. And while there are good performances from Keith David, Meg Foster, and George "Buck" Flower, they're all overshadowed by Roddy Piper. The movie is all his.

The movie's script is great, though its source material helped it a great deal. Based on Ray Nelson's 1963 short story "Eight O'Clock in the Morning," They Live could be looked at as being The Matrix (i.e. a man discovers that the world he knows isn't what he thinks) with a smaller budget and less emphasis on flashy, over-gaudy special effects. Carpenter also proves that he can be a master storyteller when he chooses to. With a lesser director, the movie probably would have come off as silly, or unintentionally hammy, but with Carpenter, the movie remains intriguing and suspenseful. I also liked the fact that whenever the hypnotic waves of the aliens' TV broadcasts were interrupted by the pirated broadcasts, those watching got headaches. That was a pretty creepy touch that I never really see anyone mention when they talk about the movie.

Like with the majority of his movies, Carpenter also did the score for the movie. Despite not being as good as some of his other film scores (Halloween and In the Mouth of Madness stand out in my mind), this one is certainly fitting, especially in the beginning. It sounds like music you'd hear in a seedy blues bar, which helped make the characters seem even more down on their luck. If there's one thing I like, it's fitting movie scores.

Combining sci-fi and action, a cool hero, an unusual narrative, and just a ton of entertainment, They Live is one of John Carpenter's most entertaining movies. It's deserving of far more recognition than the occasional broadcast on the Sci-Fi Channel or Halloween movie marathons. If you have yet to see it, check it out.

Final Rating: ****

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

In the lexicon of cult classics, one movie has reached a level of recognition rivaled only a select few. It has become synonymous with unrelenting horror and brutal violence, and even those who haven't seen it are quick to agree that it's one of the most terrifying films ever made. Its reputation has grown to a status where its name alone is enough to inspire a reaction in all that hear it. Just hearing the title automatically puts visions of unspeakable carnage in your mind.

Drawing inspiration from a notorious serial killer and an unsavory experience he had in a certain power tool aisle at Sears, writer/director Tobe Hooper presents us with one of the most insane, demented movies ever made: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In the thirty years since its release, it spent all but five on Great Britain's list of banned "video nasties," spawned three sequels and a big-budget Hollywood remake, and has often been considered one of the forefathers of the slasher sub-genre. But is it really as good as its reputation lets on?

Upon hearing that vandals have desecrated the graveyard where her grandfather is buried, Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) recruits her annoying paraplegic brother Franklin (Paul A. Partain), her boyfriend Jerry (Allen Danziger), and their friends Pam (Teri McMinn) and Kirk (William Vail) to check things out. They arrive at the cemetery and discover everything is on the up-and-up (as much as it can be with a corpse sitting on top of a tomb in the middle of the graveyard), so the five twentysomethings decide to take a little side trip to the deserted farm belonging to Sally and Franklin's grandfather. On the way, they pick up a deranged hitchhiker (Edwin Neal), who tells them how headcheese is made (if you don't know, you don't want to know) before slashing Franklin's arm and his own hand with a straight razor. They promptly kick him out of the van, and he smears a trail of blood along the side of the van as they drive away.

After arriving at the farm, Sally, Jerry, and Franklin (who's scared the hitchhiker might come back to get them) look around while Pam and Kirk hunt for somewhere to go swimming. They don't find a swimming hole, but they do discover a house out in the middle of nowhere instead. Kirk hears a generator, so he heads inside hoping to find some gasoline for the van (thanks to the gas station they passed being out of gas). Unfortunately for them but fortunately for the viewer, this is a huge blundering error. Kirk lets himself into the house and begins investigating a strange noise, which is Huge Blundering Error #2. That investigation doesn't last long, as Kirk soon comes face-to-face with one of the house's residents. Clad in a nasty leather mask and dirty butcher's smock, Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) promptly cracks Kirk upside the head with a mallet and drags him deeper into the house.

Meanwhile, Kirk's prolonged absence leads Pam to make Huge Blundering Error #3, entering the house herself to snoop around for Kirk. Pam stumbles upon some rather damning evidence that something not quite right is going on, but it also leads to one of horror cinema's most famous moments. Leatherface finds Pam snooping around and chases her out of the house, but catches her on the front porch, drags her back inside, and introduces her to the business end of a meat hook. As night falls, Sally, Franklin, and Jerry begin looking for their missing comrades, but their search leads them right into the seventh circle of Hell. Franklin and Jerry fall victim to Leatherface as well, and Sally soon finds herself trapped in the remote farmhouse with a demented family comprised of Leatherface, the hitchhiker, barbecue connoisseur Drayton (Jim Siedow), and Grandpa (John Dugan). Will she survive, or will she become stew like her friends?

Before I go any further, I'd like to explain a few things. For years, people thought this was true. In fact, the remake's entire marketing campaign was based on the fact that it was supposedly based on a true story. That's not exactly correct. This movie, Robert Bloch's novel Psycho (which later served as inspiration for Hitchcock's classic movie), and Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs were all inspired by Ed Gein, a serial killer and grave robber in Wisconsin circa 1957. He was haunted by his dead mother, like Norman Bates, and he would occasionally wear the skin of his victims like a suit, an idea mirrored in Buffalo Bill's skin suit and Leatherface's mask. He would also use bones to reinforce furniture (another idea used in the Massacre movies), kept body parts in jars and Tupperware, and used the tops of skulls as cereal bowls. He was one sick puppy.

The movie is very much a 70s horror film in both look and execution; it has a rough, gritty look, helping make it look and feel like a documentary or a snuff film. However, despite the movie's grisly nature, it's not as blood-soaked as some people seem to think. Much like John Carpenter's original Halloween, the movie doesn't try to scare people with gore, but instead tries to elicit scares through pacing and suspense. There are actually very few instances that I can remember someone in the movie bleeding. And the movie isn't as gory as its reputation would have you believe. Violent, sure, but not particularly gory. We watch from a distance as someone gets hit in the noggin by a hammer, a girl hanging from a meat hook with no actual flesh piercing seen, a broom being used to smack someone, and two chainsaw attacks with very little bloodletting seen. I think that might be due to the fact that writer/director Tobe Hooper was aiming for a PG rating (prior to the MPAA's creation of the PG-13 rating). The Texas Chainsaw Massacre rated PG? Just the title suggests that it should be rated R. But it doesn't need the buckets of blood, because Hooper manages to create a tense, frightening feel without it.

The acting isn't much to write home about, though. I liked Edwin Neal's portrayal of the off-his-rocker hitchhiker, as I also enjoyed Gunnar Hansen as the movie's most famous character, Leatherface. Leatherface didn't even have any real lines. All he did was run around swinging hammers and chainsaws, while babbling a bunch of nonsense. That was the good acting. Now for the bad. I just wanted to punch Paul Partain's character right in his face, then roll him and his wheelchair down a hill into heavy traffic. The rest of the cast, I could take or leave, though I didn't think Marilyn Burns was that bad. She did a decent job when she wasn't screaming her head off. I'm sorry, but her screams were like nails on a chalkboard.

Overall, I'll give the movie a thumbs up. I liked the first hour and the final three minutes a lot, but the nineteen in between just really didn't do a lot for me. That nineteen minutes is supposed to be the most memorable scenes in the movie (the dinner scene, for those of you who've seen the movie), but I don't know why. I just wasn't digging its groove. Maybe I'll need to watch it a few more times to get into it, I don't know. The beginning of the movie moves kinda slow and can be boring, but it all pays off. I enjoyed the heck out of this one, and I'm gonna give it three and a half stars. I find The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to be an acquired taste. It'll grow on you after multiple viewings, and I find that it still stands up with the horror movies of today.

Final Rating: ***½

Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)

The year 1985 brought us many things, such as Marty McFly, New Coke, and Tears For Fears. It also gave us a horror film that would go on to become a late-night cult classic: The Return of the Living Dead. Featuring a legion of flesh-eating undead attacking a gang of punks (one of whom spends the majority of the movie naked), it's one of the best "creature feature show" movies ever.

And even in the 80s, sequels were everywhere. Even little-known films got sequels, so we got Return of the Living Dead, Part 2 in 1988. Unfortunately, this one was nothing more than a quasi-remake of the original, played as a comedy instead of a horror/comedy blend. They even got Thom Mathews and James Karen to play characters similar to their characters in the first Return. But in 1993, Trimark Pictures released a sequel that, while having nothing to do with either of the prior two, is not a bad film at all.

We begin by meeting Colonel Reynolds (Kent McCord), the head of a military research team looking into using the chemical Trioxin to create unkillable zombie soldiers. Whenever the zombies aren't needed, they'll just put them into sealed canisters until the next war. When Reynolds's son Curt (J. Trevor Edmond) overhears his father talking about a "big test," he and his girlfriend Julie (Mindy Clarke) plan on sneaking it to witness it. Curt steals his father's security keycard, picks up Julie on his motorcycle, and together they sneak into the research facility.

There, they witness what exactly the test is: a corpse is re-animated with Trioxin, then shot with some capsule to paralyze it. Curt and Julie are heard by a guard, forcing them to flee before being found. Shortly after leaving, the experiment goes awry. The paralysis was only temporary, as the zombie gets up and kills a researcher. He's sedated a second time and wisely strapped down, but the dead researcher awakens and kills a colleague before being sedated himself.

The test is rightfully deemed a failure, and Colonel Reynolds is told he's being relocated to Oklahoma City to begin work on a new project. After years of moving around, Curt becomes furious after hearing they'll be moving again. They've only been in their current home for six months, but Curt's finally found some friends and a beautiful girlfriend that he truly loves. Curt insists that he's staying, then storms off on his motorcycle with Julie. As they're riding, Julie decides to get a little frisky with Curt, causing him to swerve off the road. Julie is thrown from the bike and smacks a telephone pole, killing her dead. Curt is devastated, but he's not going to give up on the woman he loves. He takes her body back to the research facility, sneaks back in, and gives her a dose of Trioxin.

Julie is revived, but isn't the same person she was. She complains of her hands being numb, and finds herself with an insatiable hunger. A guard finds them, and they only manage to escape him when a zombie from an opened Trioxin drum decides he wants a snack. Curt and Julie stop at a convenience store to get her some food, where they bump into a Latino gang. Julie starts chowing down on a giant pile of snack cakes that fail to satisfy her hunger, prompting the gang to start giving her trouble. They eventually rob the store, shoot the owner, and flee. Before the entire gang leaves, Julie takes a bite out of one of them, tearing off a huge chunk of skin. She's finally found the food she desires: human flesh.

Curt and Julie eventually end up in the sewers, trying to evade a group of soldiers led by Curt's father and the gang, who are looking for revenge for their injured friend. They meet a homeless guy called "Riverman" (Basil Wallace), who leads them to his home in the sewer to hide. Meanwhile, Julie discovers that the only way to control her urges to feed is self-mutilation. After piercing her entire body with shards of metal and glass, she finds that the pain no longer helps; she has to eat. As her hunger grows and she starts to lose control of her senses, how long will it be before she turns on Curt? Will true love be victorious, or did Curt make a horrible mistake?

The first Return of the Living Dead is one of my favorite movies, and Return of the Living Dead 2 isn't that great of a movie (despite being enjoyable in extremely small doses). But Return of the Living Dead 3? It is an absolutely wonderful film. It's much more serious than the prior two, though there are some minor bits of humor. The effects look good, though some look ridiculously fake. One is when Julie is supposed to be stabbing herself with a pin, though it's obviously a retractable one. Don't get me wrong either; the majority of the effects look great, but it's just that a few fake looking effects sometimes dampen the mood. In fact, the whole body piercing thing is just a little too gross. Maybe I'm a fuddy duddy, but take a look at the poster at the top of this review and tell me that's not creepy (though for some reason, it's still morbidly sexy).

But a love story involving body piercing and zombies? Yeah, it's true. The movie's earned the nickname "Romeo and Zombiet" among some of its fans, but that's not a negative term in my eyes. Even though it's still a zombie movie, I thought it was a nice change of pace from the standard "army of zombies eating brains" plot. In fact, the only real "huge zombie horde" appears in the last ten minutes. Other than that, we get just a few zombies at any given time. I like the fact that the love story adds some originality. Curt brings his love back, only to discover that his decision to do so has made her a flesh-eating monster, and now he must suffer the gruesome consequences of choosing love over death.

On the acting scope, Mindy Clarke is wonderful as Julie, the tormented zombie who struggles with her love for Curt and the growing hunger inside her. She can be both gorgeous and disgusting at the same time, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I mean, she didn't ask to be a zombie. It's her stupid boyfriend's fault. The rest of cast is decent, though I didn't care much for J. Trevor Edmond. He just didn't play the role like it could have been played. Basil Wallace's portrayal of Riverman is great, giving him a feel that he's straight out of the Louisiana bayou. In the music area, Barry Goldberg's music is creepy, yet melancholy. I thought it was quite fitting, considering the situation of the main characters.

Return of the Living Dead 3 is a darn good movie, one that I thought was really enjoyable. Yeah, there's no giant mob of monsters, but it's not about that. It's about the love of a young man and his undead lady. Few sequels can stand alone as a fine film, and not just a retread of the original, but this one can. There's a good story, a few scares, blood, zombies, and some quality acting. It's not for everyone, but for those who think they'd like it, I recommend it.

Final Rating: ***½

28 Days Later (2002)

One of the most common themes in science fiction and horror is the notion of a sole survivor, or a small band of survivors, trying to deal with the end of the world as they know it. Both books and movies have told tales of a world where those who are still alive face numerous — and usually bloodthirsty — hardships after the complete and total breakdown of society. Among these stories is Danny Boyle's post-apocalyptic pseudo-zombie movie 28 Days Later.

First released in the United Kingdom in 2002 before coming to the United States in the summer of 2003, it hit theaters at a time when people were deathly afraid of catching SARS or bird flu, getting a letter full of anthrax in the mail, or that terrorist organizations might be developing biochemical weapons. I've often said that many of the best horror films of the new millennium have come from outside America, and Boyle's vision of a world that has been ravaged by a lab-engineered disease is a film that reinforces that.

Our story opens in a Cambridge research facility, where a group of animal activists have broken in to free a group of chimpanzees from one of the facility's laboratories. Their handler disrupts things, begging them not to screw around with the chimps because they're infected with a highly contagious virus simply defined as "Rage." The activists don't really care, so ignore his warnings and opens up one of the cages. A chimpanzee leaps out and starts raising some pissed-off monkey hell, and we cut to black.

Things pick up four weeks after the previous scene, where we meet Jim (Cillian Murphy), a bicycle courier who awakens from a coma, only to find that the entire hospital has been deserted. He cracks open some vending machines for a little food, then starts roaming the streets of London. Unfortunately, London more closely resembles a ghost town than a bustling European metropolis, and Jim doesn't know why. His only clue are newspapers bearing headlines about mass hysteria and chaos throughout Britain.

After spending what seems like hours searching for someone, anyone, who can fill him in on just what the hell happened, Jim is discovered by a group of lunatics while taking refuge in a church and is chased back out into the street. They chase him to a gas stations, where he is saved by two masked people flinging Molotov cocktails.

Jim's saviors lead him to their shelter in the subway, introducing themselves as Mark (Noah Huntley) and Selena (Naomie Harris). They explain to him that while he was comatose, the Rage virus spread uncontrollably throughout England, and is rumored to have spread to Paris and New York City. Those that are infected have about thirty seconds before they become red-eyed, blood-slobbering psychopaths with the single-minded urge to leap at the nearest uninfected person and kill them.

Desperate to reunite with his loved ones, Jim demands to go to his parents' house to check on them, and after a mild argument, Mark and Selena eventually agree to accompany them. But upon arriving, Jim sadly discovers that his parents have committed suicide. The trio decides to spend the night in Jim's parents' house before regrouping in the morning, but when Jim goes to the kitchen for a midnight snack, he's jumped by two infected people. Mark and Selena save the day, but in the struggle, one of the infected leaves a pretty nasty scratch on Mark's arm. Convinced he'll become infected too, Selena makes quick work of him with her machete. Our trio now down to two, Jim and Selena hit the road the next morning.

In their search for shelter, they stumble upon a teddy bear of a guy named Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and his teenage daughter Hannah (Megan Burns). Frank and Hannah welcome the weary travelers to their apartment, offering a place to rest their heads for the night. They eventually happen upon a prerecorded radio broadcast made from a military post, claiming that they have an answer to the infection and directing any survivors to a checkpoint near Manchester.

Despite their reservations about the broadcast's legitimacy, the four decide to make the two-day road trip across England. They arrive at the checkpoint and rendezvous with the soldiers and their commanding officer, Major Henry West (Christopher Eccleston), but little do the four survivors know that they the infected aren't the only dangerous things out there.

When 28 Days Later was released in the United States, a blurb from British tabloid the Daily Mail was used as one of the film's taglines, proclaiming in big bold letters that the movie was "scary as hell." That might be a bit hyperbolic, but that's not to say that 28 Days Later isn't a terrifying movie. It is a movie that is thoroughly engrossing, a brilliant twist on both post-apocalyptic sci-fi/horror and the zombie sub-genre. However, as great a horror movie it is, it's also an excellent character study of how those who have survived the end of the world would interact with one another; it concentrates on the characters just as much as it does the plight ailing them.

Director Danny Boyle does a fantastic job, especially when you consider the movie had a modest budget and was filmed with digital camcorders. Boyle and cinematographer Anthony Dod Mantle don't let these restrictions hinder their work, instead using them in their favor to create a sort of hyperreality. The events depicted appear to float somewhere between fantasy and reality; the shots of the gorgeous English countryside and Jim's voyage through an abandoned London take on a dreamlike, almost ethereal quality, which only serves to make the violence that much more jarring and nightmarish. This feeling is aided by the shaky camerawork and rapid-fire editing during the action sequences. I normally complain about this sort of thing, as I do get sick of it in many cases, but Boyle makes it work. The shakiness assists the action onscreen, as it gives us a feeling of being right there amidst the terror.

Boyle is also assisted by the absolutely amazing music composed by John Murphy. Murphy's score alternates between ambient noise an a melodic rock-styled sound, which greatly enhances the atmosphere Boyle works so hard to create. And when combined with songs performed by underground post-rock musicians like Brian Eno and Godspeed You Black Emperor, the music adds a certain haunting beauty to the visuals.

Alex Garland's screenplay is very good, as well. As I said above, the movie concentrates more on the characters and how they handle the situations that they face. Garland gives us a look into human nature, at how some people will try to survive at any cost, while others try simply surviving. That's what makes the movie so frightening, because I doubt everyone who survives a catastrophe like the one depicted in 28 Days Later will want to play nice. Get a band of those with the "survive at any cost" mentality together, and they could be just as bad as whatever caused the problems to begin with. It's very similar to the "soldiers vs. scientists" idea behind George Romero's seminal zombie movie Day of the Dead, while the four protagonists regrouping, enjoying having the whole country to themselves, and even going on a shopping spree very much recalls another Romero classic, Dawn of the Dead. And although the infected may not be zombies in the conventional undead sense, they're still used in a very Romero-esque style to make a commentary about society. And all in all, I believe Garland did an excellent job.

The ensemble cast is also worth some praise. Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris are both consistently entertaining as their characters evolve throughout the movie. Jim and Selena's character arcs seem as if they're as different as night and day, with Selena going from a jaded fighter to someone happy to be alive at all, while Jim's arc is quite the opposite. Murphy and Harris handle their characters with ease, so I'm not surprised that they've started getting roles in big American movies in the wake of 28 Days Later's success. Megan Burns is entertaining in a less-than-challenging role, and veteran character actors Brendan Gleeson and Christopher Eccleston are both fantastic. Gleeson is quite amiable as Frank, making him someone we believe truly cares for his daughter, and someone whose ultimate fate really strikes an emotional chord with the viewer. Eccleston is also very much worth mentioning, as his progression from way too cordial to a total sleazebag is both credible and unsettling.

28 Days Later, as I noted above, does draw comparisons to George Romero's zombie movies, but it is likewise in the vein of similar stories like The Omega Man, George Stewart's novel Earth Abides, and the classic Twilight Zone episode "Where Is Everybody?". And while the movie doesn't give us anything that we haven't seen before, it is something we haven't seen in a while. It's strong, smart, never relenting or insulting its audience by cheating its way out of things. 28 Days Later isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I thought it was sheer brilliance, with intense direction and music, solid acting, and an intelligent script. Go check it out.

Final Rating: ****½

Wrong Turn (2003)

If you know anything about horror movies, then you've probably heard of Tobe Hooper's 1973 classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The tale of a group of travelers who fall victim to a family of cannibalistic rednecks in rural Texas has become one of the more famous entries into the horror genre, inspiring three sequels, a remake with its own sequel, a series of comic books, action figures, and a video game released on the Atari 2600 in 1982. However, unlike other well-known horror movies, it hasn't really inspired all that many ripoffs or imitations. At least, not to my knowledge. But there is one that I thought was worth watching: Rob Schmidt's Wrong Turn. A frightening homage to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a dash of Deliverance thrown in for flavor, Wrong Turn is an underrated horror movie straight out of the '70s.

We begin on the side of a cliff, conveniently sitting fifty miles from civilization in the middle of a West Virginia forest. Two people, a guy and his girlfriend, are climbing up the side. I'm not gonna bother with listing who played them, because they're only in the movie for less than five minutes. We barely even get to learn the names of the characters. The guy makes it to the top, while his girlfriend still struggles to climb up. He disappears just as she begins to ask him to help her up, and after a few moments, blood drips down onto her face. At that moment, the guy's body goes flying off the side of the cliff. The girl jumps down to the ground and runs off. She gets twenty feet from the car before tripping on a length of barbed wire and being dragged off-screen by someone laughing like a maniac.

At this point, the opening credits roll. We see various newspaper clippings with headlines like "deformity caused by inbreeding," "inbred-related psychosis," "resistance to pain," and "violent outbursts." We also see various missing persons posters, bloody scissors and knives, barbed wire, arrows, and some really hideous deformed people. It's like a demented episode of Maury Povich's talk show, one of the episodes where Maury takes a bunch of people with deformities and birth defects and parades them out on stage like some kind of freak show. Regardless, the opening credits are where we're introduced to the idea of cannibalistic inbred freaks of nature, while still leaving things vague enough to be scary.

Anyway, the credits end, and it's now a few days later. We meet a medical school student named Chris (Desmond Harrington), who's on his way to a job interview while listening to a story about the search for two missing rock-climbers (the ones from earlier) on the radio.

Chris happens to arrive at a traffic jam. According to a trucker, the traffic is backed up for five miles thanks to a chemical spill, and it'll be forever before it's cleaned up. Being short on time, Chris turns around and takes an abandoned dirt road in the middle of the woods. He takes a wrong turn, thus the title, and accidentally rear-ends a van driven a group of friends on a hiking trip. The wreck introduces Chris and the viewers to Jessie (Eliza Dushku), Carly (Emmanuelle Chriqui), Evan (Kevin Zegers), Scott (Jeremy Sisto), and Francine (Lindy Booth), who're stranded on the road after running over a strip of heavy-duty barbed wire lied across the middle of the road. Evan and Francine stay at the car while the other four decide to walk down the road in an attempt to find some help. This isn't exactly a good thing, since they're promiscuous stoners. And you know what happens to promiscuous stoners in horror movies, don't you? I'm sure you do.

Time goes by and the four others arrive at a really run-down cabin, oblivious to the fact that their friends have been brutally murdered. Dozens of rusty, abandoned cars and bicycles decorate the front yard. That should be their first hint at something being wrong. In fact, Scott suggests that they leave immediately, citing Deliverance as the reason. He's smart. I like Scott. Despite his brilliance, Chris walks right on in, hoping they have a phone. What they should have done is walked around looking for an actual phone line before assuming they had a phone. I know phone companies are starting to bury phone lines nowadays, but in rural West Virginia, I'm sure that there would still be telephone poles. The pack of geniuses also decides to snoop around the rundown shanty. Not too bright, are they? They discover formaldehyde-filled jars and Tupperware containers filled with teeth, brains, and various other body parts. Mmm, cannibal stew. Yummy.

Jessie also happens to stumble on a pile of barbed wire similar to the one that she and her friends ran over. She puts two-and-two together, long after the audience already has. Coincidentally, one of the things discovered in the house is a tiara. If you watch the opening credits closely, you'll notice in one of the missing persons posters, one of the missing is wearing a tiara. It's the little details that make movies good for geeks like me. Right about now, an old wrecker truck pulls up to the house, pulling Scott's van behind it.

The group panics, and unable to escape the house, Jessie and Chris hide under a bed while Carly and Scott hide in a closet. Turns out whoever killed Francine and Evan live in the house, as Fran's dead body is flopped down in front of Scott and Jessie. It only lies there for a moment, before it's snatched up, thrown onto a butcher's table, and you can guess what happens next. We flash forward to later. I don't know how much later, but it was later enough for the inbred, cannibal mountain men to eat Francine's leg before deciding to take a nap. The group tries sneaking out of the cabin, but one of them makes a noise and the nutjobs begin chasing their prey through the woods, a chase that lasts all night and part of the next day.

This wasn't a bad little movie at all. The production value looks to be slightly higher than your average direct-to-video thriller, but that's not exactly a bad thing. The acting also left something to be desired. Jeremy Sisto gives us his best impersonation of Jeff Goldblum at times, while I just wanted to kick Emmanuelle Chriqui. Sure, most people would be reduced to whining, blubbering idiots if confronted with situations like in the movie, but that doesn't make her performance any less annoying. You just have to draw the line somewhere. Eliza Dushku and Desmond Harrington chip in with watchable performances, however.

I also should give a thumbs-up to both the score and the special effects. The score, composed by Elie Cmiral, is good, really good. I've heard better, but it's effective in creating plenty of tension in otherwise tame scenes. The special effects, done by Stan Winston's effects team, are also excellent. It's good to see Stan Winston involved with something other than killer robots from the future. The editing is sharp, and Rob Schmidt's directing gives it a gritty feel with a glossy Hollywood finish.

Wrong Turn isn't a bad movie, but it's nothing earth-shaking. Without the twisted inbred cannibal yokels, it'd be just the same old slasher song and dance. I'm not complaining, but it's nothing I haven't seen before. It's probably just worth a rental to those of you people who are big Eliza Dushku fans, or wanted to rent a horror movie at the local Blockbuster and nothing else struck your fancy.

Final Rating: ***

Willard (2003)

Imagine a rat. A chubby, fuzzy, squeaky little rodent hiding in the walls, in the shadows. Now imagine a few dozen of the little buggers hanging out in your basement. That doesn't sound too fun, does it? If you don't think so, then this review is not for you.

A large multitude of rodents were the stars of the 1971 film Willard, featuring Bruce Davison as its human protagonist. Based on Stephen Gilbert's novel Ratman's Notebooks, the movie has become something of an obscure cult classic since its release and inspired a sequel, Ben, in 1972. (However, it should be noted that both movies were eclipsed by Ben's Oscar-nominated theme song, the first hit song of Michael Jackson's solo career.)

Both Willard and Ben have faded into relative obscurity, but that didn't stop New Line Cinema from releasing a remake of Willard in 2003. Made by the minds that created the Final Destination trilogy, the movie was an enormous failure at the box office, but I think that it should have done a lot better.

Willard tells the story of Willard Stiles (Crispin Glover), a social misfit tending to his ailing, bed-ridden mother (Jackie Burroughs). Willard's stuck in a dead-end job at the company his deceased father founded, and his boss, Frank Martin (R. Lee Ermey), absolutely hates him. In fact, Willard continues to be employed only because his late father made it a condition of his partnership with Martin. If it weren't for that, he'd be in the unemployment line. Willard is at the pinnacle of loneliness until he discovers a small white rat stuck in a trap in his basement. He forms a close bond with the rat, and impressed by its intelligence, he names it Socrates.

Willard is introduced to other rats in the basement as well, and discovers that he is almost a Pied Piper to his new friends. With simple commands, the rats, whose numbers grow into the hundreds, will do whatever he tells them to do. Willard also discovers another rat he hadn't seen before, a rat four times bigger than any of the others that he jokingly names "Big Ben."

Back at work, Mr. Martin has hired a lovely office temp, Cathryn (Laura Elena Harring), to cover for Willard’s incompetence. She takes pity on Willard and decides to help him with his problems, at one point giving him a cat to keep him company. Yeah, that's right. She gave a cat to a guy with an army of rats in his basement. You can assume how that went over with his little friends.

Regardless, Cathryn's help doesn't seem to work, but the help of the rats does, assisting Willard by letting him relieve some of his building rage. After noticing some of the rats have taken a liking to chewing on an old tire, he decides to take some of his friends by Mr. Martin's house in order to vandalize his beloved new Mercedes. But popping some tires is just the start. Soon, Willard decides to bring great vengeance and furious anger upon his oppressors with his legion of rats.

You don't really see movies like Willard anymore. It's a weird movie in a time when weird movies just don't come along too often. Shirley Walker's score, which (in what I believe is a first) included an accordion section, made the film feel very odd, which was befitting of a movie about an extremely odd fellow. The acting is also absolutely wonderful. R. Lee Ermey's take on Mr. Martin is so much fun to hate, and Mrs. Stiles is both saddening and disturbing at the same time. She also serves as proof that sometimes, putting your senior citizen relative in a rest home just might be a good thing. But most commendable is Crispin Glover as Willard. Glover is absolutely wonderful in the title role, and if he continues doing movies like this, I'm sure he'll be the next cult star. Having not yet seen the 1971 version, I can't really compare the two, but I do enjoy this one very much.

There's also plenty of fun references and things to notice in the movie. Bruce Davison, star of the original Willard, is seen in portraits and photographs as Willard's father, and the scene in which the rats swarm Cathryn's cat is set to Michael Jackson's 1972 hit "Ben," which I noted earlier as being the theme song to the original film's sequel. The cat's name also happens to be Scully, which I think might be a reference to The X-Files. In fact, I'm sure it is, as writer/director Glen Morgan once served as one of the main writers for The X-Files. And I also think it's kinda funny that a woman named Cathryn is so involved with a guy who loves rats.

I can guarantee that Willard won't appeal to everybody, which is probably the reason that it bombed out of theaters after just two or three weeks. It might disgust people who hate rats or love felines. Like I said, you don't see this kind of movie anymore. If I had to compare it to any specific style, it's almost reminiscent of something Tim Burton would make. And that's not a bad thing, is it? If rats don't bother you, and you like campy thrillers or just odd movies, go check it out. You might not be disappointed.

Final Rating: ****

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

You know what movies lack nowadays? Originality. The sleeper hit Jeepers Creepers gave cinema a good shot of originality back in the summer of 2001, and it wasn't a bad film at all.

Darry Jenner (Justin Long) and his sister Trish (Gina Philips) are driving through some back roads on their way home from college, discussing an urban legend. It just so happens that a young couple they knew died on the particular road, with Darry noting "they never found her head." Trish also happens to mention that she "always thought this would be the road [she]'d die on." Meanwhile, a huge truck, driven by who they assume is a redneck, starts hassling them, apparently trying to run them off the road. They finally swerve into a field, and the truck flies by.

Finally getting back on the road, the siblings see the truck parked next to an abandoned church, and someone in a long coat and wide-brimmed hat dumping something into a drainpipe. Something wrapped in a sheet covered in red stains. What could it be? Could it be a dead body? Could it be a sheet covered in red paint and cherry Kool-Aid? These meddling kids just have to find out. All they need is a talking dog and a dork in a neckerchief and they'd be the Scooby Gang.

They turn around and wait until they're alone, then Darry looks down into the drainpipe before accidentally falling in. Darn the luck. But you know he was gonna fall in. Why? If they'd kept on driving and pretended nothing happened, the movie would have been five minutes long. Anyway, it turns out that poor Darry has landed in a giant cave, and the walls are covered with dead bodies. Darry searches for an exit, and happens to discover the couple he was discussing with his sister: dead and sown together, with her head stitched back onto her neck. She really did lose her head.

Darry finds a way out, as it turns out the cave is actually the basement of the old church, and all they're really concerned with is getting out of there. They call the police from a pay phone at a diner (since Darry's cell phone battery is dead), and they're told a unit is on the way. While they wait for the cops, the pay phone starts ringing. Darry picks it up, and on the other end is an old woman who tells them that the basement full of bodies is called "the House of Pain," and warns them about the truck and the song "Jeepers Creepers." If they hear that song, they're in deep, deep trouble.

The cops arrive at the diner, and Darry tells them his insane story about seeing the House of Pain. Naturally, they don't believe him, and the cops agree to follow them out to the old church so Darry can prove it. The cops hear a report over their radio that the church is burning down, and in Darry and Trish's car, they land on the song "Jeepers Creepers" on the radio. Through the rear windshield behind them, we can see who we'll call The Creeper (Jonathan Breck) standing on the roof of the police car. And guess what? He's got a huge battle axe with him.

Anyway, the kids eventually end up at the police station, where they call their parents and meet Jezelle (Patricia Belcher), who happens to be the nutty old lady that called them at the diner. She tells them all the necessary backstory about the Creeper. Backstory, you ask? Why yes. Every twenty-three years, for twenty-three days, the Creeper gets to eat... us.

You don't see to many movies about man-eating monsters anymore, especially man-eating monsters that wheel around in old beat-up trucks. So we can't say the movie's not original. However, much of the movie just doesn't seem all that good. Don't get me wrong, I like the movie. But after the opening, it seems dull. And don't get me started on the crazy psychic lady. Oh man, do I hate her. I wanted to see the Creeper just rip her head off and crap down her neck, and it never happens.

However, I will give the movie props for having some cool moments. The entire opening, up until the kids discover the House of Pain, is great (very reminiscent of films like Duel), and the tongue scene (you'll know what I mean when you see it) is wonderfully disgusting. And the ending shows a lot of bravery, because it's not the typical "let's wrap things up with a bow" Hollywood ending.

The acting is a mixed bag. I liked Gina Philips in her role, but Justin Long seemed inconsistent. He was good at times, annoying at times. But at least he wasn't as bad as Patricia Belcher. I never ever ever want to see her in a movie or on TV again. Ever. She makes me want to start throwing bricks every time I see her. Both her character and her acting ability are absolutely awful. Eileen Brennan, who you might recognize as Mrs. Peacock from the far underrated Clue movie, shines in her appearance as the eccentric Cat Lady. Even though she's only in one scene, she's still better than Patricia Belcher. The music, composed by Bennett Salvay, isn't bad at all. Creepy, foreboding, and almost a character in itself. Victor Salva made the wise decision to play up the music instead of sound effects in scenes like the opening car chase.

Overall, I'll give Jeepers Creepers a thumbs-up. You wouldn't miss anything by not watching it, but there are some really awesome moments that deserve to be seen. It's worth a rental if you're looking for a way to kill an hour and a half.

Final Rating: ***