Haggard (2003)

The reality show trend that rules the entertainment world has created a new kind of celebrity: people who are known for just being themselves. As an example, cast members from the controversial MTV stunt show Jackass seemed to pop up everywhere following the show's successful jump to the big screen in 2002. Jackass ringleader Johnny Knoxville had a starring role in the big-screen adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard along with major supporting roles in Men in Black 2 and the remake of Walking Tall, while Chris Pontius and Steve-O had their own nature show, Wildboyz, on MTV2. Meanwhile, skateboarding virtuoso Bam Margera made a name for himself not only through Jackass, but through a series of underground skateboarding videos and his show Viva La Bam. He's even made his own movie. That direct-to-video flick, Haggard, just may be the weirdest vanity project ever made.

Ryan (Ryan Dunn) can't catch any breaks. He's completely obsessed with his cheating ex-girlfriend Glauren (Jenn Rivell), even though their relationship is long over. Ryan just refuses to let go, and incessantly tries to push his way back into her life. When he discovers that Glauren has hooked up with a sleazy headbanger named Hellboy (Rake Yohn), he absolutely snaps. He becomes so infuriated that he recruits his friends Valo (Bam Margera) and Falcone (Brandon Dicamillo) to help give him some closure on things. Valo and Falcone think he's crazy, but when he offers them each a hundred dollars to vandalize her house, they can't say no.

In the meantime, Ryan flirts with insanity. He has a run-in with a police officer (Tony Hawk) while blowing off steam, he frquently butts head with his roommate (Don Vito), and even gets stabbed in the eye with a fork. Even after Ryan commissions Valo and Falcone to break into Glauren's house and find concrete proof of her indiscretions, they continue to push their friend into finally moving on for good.

Part comedy, part music video, and part skateboarding exhibition, Haggard is a true oddity. The film was directed, edited, co-starred, and co-written by Margera, and he has put together a quite bizarre piece of work with this one. If Adam Sandler's films are vanity pieces, then Haggard is an insanity piece. The cast is made up almost entirely of Margera's friends and relatives, features extensive skateboarding montages, and is set to music from bands that Margera is involved with or religiously listens to. Margera's character is even named after Ville Valo, the lead singer of Finnish rock band HIM, Margera's favorite band. All of this makes Haggard seem like little more than an elaborate home video. Yet, when the film can stick to the main story, which seems to run for only about half of the movie's 96-minute running time, Haggard is actually quite entertaining.

Dunn's acting is very good, considering Haggard is the first movie that doesn't require him to do insane stunts. His character is easy to identify with, and even feel sorry for. Meanwhile, Margera's acting is decent at best, but his ability for writing (he co-wrote the movie with Dicamillo and Chris Aspité) and directing shine. Naturally, he takes time to show off his skateboarding prowess. While it may fit in perfectly with the chase scene, the various montages of him skateboarding really don't fit in with the rest of the movie.

However, Margera is a far better director than he has any right to be. The film boasts rich colors and gorgeous cinematography courtesy of long-time Margera collaborator Joseph Frantz, and though the time-lapse effect is far too overused, the editing keeps the movie at a fast pace so nothing really drags.

The third member of the movie's main trio, Dicamillo, is the movie's true comic relief. He primarily plays Falcone, but shows his comedic talent with no less than four other minor roles. He steals many scenes with his frantic delivery, and gives us many memorable lines and moments. Also worth noting are Chris Raab and Margera's uncle Don Vito, both of whom turn in hilarious performances as Falcone's weirdo cousin and Ryan's hedonistic roommate respectively.

The movie contains some funny and insane moments, and like Jackass, the viewer finds themselves laughing in spite of themselves. Comparable to an Kevin Smith film on LSD, Haggard is a low-budget independent movie that actually does something different, and is all the better for it. Haggard is one of those films which has no right to be as good as it is, but is light-years better than anyone would ever expect. It's definitely cheap, both in production and execution, but it contains quite a bit of energy (which is helped by funny cameos from various pro skateboarders, as well as a killer soundtrack) and has some legitimately funny jokes.

If Margera could have cut back on all the skateboarding and musical montages, it could have been the next Clerks. I mean, it seems like at least sixty percent of the movie is just meant to show off that Margera can skateboard and use time-lapse photography equipment. As it is now, the movie is simply an oddity that I doubt will gain much of an audience outside of diehard fans of Margera's crew. However, I recommend it if you're at all interested in seeing a group of former Jackass cast members make an actual movie, if you're a fan of independent comedies, or if just need a way to kill some time and have a few laughs for an hour and a half.

Final Rating: ***

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

In my Night of the Living Dead review, I mentioned that it was the first movie that came to my mind when I thought of great Creature Feature movies. If you're reading this, you've stumbled upon the second movie that comes to my mind: a little movie called The Return of the Living Dead. Released in 1985, it beat George Romero's Day of the Dead as the zombie movie of choice that year, and has become one of the more popular cult classics of the last twenty years. How well does it hold up? We'll see.

Freddy (Thom Mathews) has just started a new job at a medical supply company, conveniently located near a rundown old cemetery, and Frank (James Karen), a fellow co-worker, is showing him the ropes on his first night. After their boss, Burt (Clu Gulager), leaves for the night, Frank starts telling Freddy a story about how Night of the Living Dead was based on a true incident. The story goes that a chemical spill in a military hospital revived the bodies in the morgue, and as part of the coverup, the government forced the makers of Night of the Living Dead to change various bits and pieces of the movie so their story wouldn't match what really happened.

Naturally, Freddy thinks Frank is full of crap. Frank shushes him, telling him that some canisters that hold the re-animated bodies are in the basement. He goes on to explain that the government took all the bodies from the morgue, stored them in big oil-drum canisters, and shipped them off to a research facility. Due to a snafu in the paperwork, a few of the canisters were dropped off at the medical supply company instead. Frank takes Freddy down to the basement to prove it, and he smacks one of the canisters to show how strong they are. This proves to be a horrible mistake, as the canister cracks open, and a burst of noxious chemicals spew into their faces.

The chemicals end up re-animating a "split dog" and some butterflies, as well as a cadaver locked in cold storage. They freak out, eventually calling Burt to help them deal with the cadaver. Burt suggests hitting it in the brain, since it worked in every other zombie movie. Stabbing it in the head with a pickax and sawing its head off don't work, so they eventually decide to hack the body into pieces and take them to Ernie (Don Calfa), who works at the mortuary next door. Why? The mortuary happens to have a cremation furnace, that's why. They convince Ernie to burn what's left of the cadaver, but the smoke from the furnace pumps into the nearby cemetery, where Freddy's girlfriend Tina (Beverly Randolph) and a group of their friends are partying. The smoke re-animates the dead bodies in the cemetery, unleashing an army of brain-eating zombies that Freddy and his friends must escape.

Honestly, The Return of the Living Dead is some of the most fun I've ever had watching a movie. It's got lots of great looking makeup effects, and it has a perfect combination of both horror and humor. It serves as an homage to classic zombie movies of the past, but has fun at their expense as well. That can be obviously seen in a moment where Burt, Freddy, and Frank realize that their pickax-to-the-brain attack on the cadaver didn't work. Frank's response: "But it worked in the movie!"

The acting is better thane expected as well. James Karen and Thom Mathews turn in good performances (so good they brought them back for the sequel as extremely similar characters), as do Don Calfa and Clu Gulager. Almost all of the punks, especially Miguel Núñez and the late Mark Venturini, are great as well. However, I was less than impressed with Beverly Randolph, but that's just a minor gripe.

 The zombie makeup is excellent, especially for a low-budget movie from the mid-80s (the best examples being the Tarman and the Half-Lady). They're also different from the slow-moving, lumbering zombies that became the norm over the years. These suckers can run, talk, and they're clever too. It's definitely a nice breath of fresh air. The punk element is a nice addition as well, just because all the punk songs on the soundtrack make the movie that much cooler. Plus there's one punk, played by Linnea Quigley, that's absolutely naked in 98 percent of her scenes. As you can imagine, she became a B-movie "Scream Queen" thanks to the role.

Overall, I'll give The Return of the Living Dead a full five stars for being one of my all-time favorite movies. A fine mixture of dark humor and horror with great one-liners, an awesome soundtrack, and a totally unexpected ending, I recommend it for fans of both zombie movies and low-budget B-movie thrill rides.

Final Rating: *****

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Name one zombie movie. C'mon, just name one. If you're anything like me, the first one to come to mind was probably Night of the Living Dead. A staple of late-night Creature Feature Shows, it certainly wasn't the first zombie movie, but it brought them into the limelight. Since then, zombies have become one of the most popular sub-genres of horror, appearing in everything from movies to video games. Directed by an aspiring Pittsburgh filmmaker named George Romero, Night of the Living Dead has become one of the most enduring, beloved, and imitated classics of horror, and made its director a legend. So enough ballyhoo, let's get to the review. (Hey, that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.)

The movie's plot is astoundingly simple. We begin, appropriately enough, at a cemetery in the middle of nowhere, where bickering siblings Barbara (Judith O'Dea) and Johnny (Russell Streiner) arrive to put flowers on the grave of their father. As Johnny teases his sister, they're attacked by a pale-faced man (Bill Hinzman) who they assume either drunk, crazy, or both. Barbara flees after the man bashes Johnny's head against a tombstone, eventually arriving at a secluded farmhouse. Shortly thereafter, a man named Ben (Duane Jones) shows up in a stolen truck, and he begins to barricade the house to protect them from the growing number of zombies outside. They find a band of five survivors hidden in the basement: young couple Tom (Keith Wayne) and Judy (Judith Ridley), and the Cooper family, Harry (Karl Hardman), Helen (Marilyn Eastman), and their injured daughter Karen (Kyra Schon). The panic-stricken group must now defend themselves from not only a veritable army of flesh-eating ghouls, but from the growing tension and cabin fever inside the house.

The first chapter of what's known as Romero's "Dead Trilogy" (the other parts being 1978's Dawn of the Dead and 1986's Day of the Dead), Night of the Living Dead has spent the last four decades cementing its reputation as one of the true shining stars of the horror genre. The movie is also a prime example of a movie that has no humor (outside of one throwaway line), but rather paints a bleak portrait of society. George Romero's "Dead" movies have always been known for their underlying social commentaries, and Night is no different. Though he was probably cast just because he was the best actor to audition for the role, having Duane Jones, an African-American, as the lead actor surrounded by a cast of Caucasians seemingly gives the movie a condemning outlook on racism. Jones's character takes charge of the situation almost immediately, a move which causes him to butt heads with Karl Hardman's antagonistic, mean-spirited Harry. And I don't want to give away the ending, but it doesn't seem like a coincidence that it had a very "lynch mob" type of feeling to it.

When it's not making any kind of commentary on society, the script has consistently realistic dialogue, a good lesson for horror filmmakers. The genre is an extension of the fantasy realm, and to that extent, excuses often ridiculous dialogue. However, Romero shows us a realism that enhances the fear of the film. Yeah, the characters make the dumb moves associated with horror movies, but the characters actually react to said dumb moves. Though some of my fellow critics and moviegoers may disagree, the movie is visually astounding as well. The gritty look of the movie adds to the movie's claustrophobia, as if the zombies are around the corner at all times.

Of course, such illusions make the film a more frightening experience, and that's just the point. Shot in black and white with stark, natural lighting, the movie's lack of color enhances the movie's frightening atmosphere. Shadows appear everywhere, and the movie looks almost unreal. I can't say so for sure, but it's almost as if Romero meant to make the movie with a chiaroscuro style, to give the movie an unreal vibe that makes it that much more terrifying. Romero's direction is also superb. Shot in black and white with stark, natural lighting, the movie's lack of color enhances the movie's frightening atmosphere. Shadows appear everywhere, and the movie looks almost unreal. I can't say so for sure, but it's almost as if Romero meant to make the movie with a chiaroscuro style, to give the movie an unreal vibe that makes it that much more frightening.

The actors are also up to the task required of them. Duane Jones (a brave bit of casting, considering black leading men were few and far between at the time) and Karl Hardman are wonderful as the constantly clashing Ben and Harry, but on the other hand, I could take or leave Judith O'Dea's character Barbara. Her nearly-comatose, always-whining character is insanely annoying, though I'm sure that was the point. Barbara is almost like a toddler, and she often gets in the way of something more important. I found it to be an interesting dynamic compared to the rest of the cast. Barbara sits around and mopes all the time, while the other characters actually try to survive. It's almost as if she's resigned herself to the fact that like it or not, they're all screwed.

Night of the Living Dead is a masterpiece, which still holds up under today's standards. Romero takes an intense social commentary, fine acting, and graphic violence and crams them into ninety-six minutes, creating one of the most influential and important films of the twentieth century. If you have seen it, watch it again. If you haven't seen it, why not? Despite four decades having passed since its first release, it holds up as a true classic, one which leaves an indelible mark on modern cinema as we know it. 

Final Rating: ****½