The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

In a few of my other reviews and on my blog, I may have implied that while Marvel Comics have been cranking out dozens of movies based on their characters over the years, DC Comics stuck by their old standbys of Superman and Batman. But that's not entirely the case. DC has also done movies based on comics from their Vertigo imprint, as well as Catwoman, Steel, and Swamp Thing.

But while Catwoman and Steel were unbelievably awful movies that have been largely forgotten, Swamp Thing developed enough of a cult following that it spawned a sequel seven years later. That sequel, The Return of Swamp Thing, ended up being just a poor, poor decision from start to finish. Want to know why?

Abigail Arcane (Heather Locklear) has been struggling with the mysterious death of her mother. To help achieve a sense of closure, she heads down to the swamps to reconnect with her estranged stepfather, mad scientist Anton Arcane (Louis Jourdan). You may be wondering how the heck he can show up in the sequel after turning into a monster and getting stabbed and left for dead at the end of the first movie. The answer is simple: he's an evil scientist, so evil science saved him. The equally crazy Dr. Lana Zurrell (Sarah Douglas) used some wacky experiment to resurrect him and return him to human form, but that serum is now wearing off and causing Dr. Arcane to age at a rapid pace.

Seeking a way to slow Dr. Arcane's aging to a crawl and grant him immortality, his team of scientists have been merging human DNA with a assortment of creatures. There hasn't been any success in finding what he's looking for, but it does result in a small army of hideous mutant freaks. But with Abigail's recent arrival to his compound, Dr. Arcane thinks he may have had a breakthrough. The DNA of Abigail's mother served as the catalyst for the original formula that brought him back to life, and because she and her daughter share a similar genetic code, Dr. Arcane believes that Abigail is the key to unlocking the recipe for eternal life.

But once Abigail catches wind of what her stepfather has in store for her, she flees into the swamp. She is quickly discovered and befriended by Swamp Thing (Dick Durock), the walking, talking pile of vegetation himself. The two bond over their common enemy, and a really awkward romance blossoms between them. Yeah, I know she's a human and he's more plant than man, but Abigail's a vegetarian, so it's okay. (That's the movie's logic, not mine.) But, like any comic book movie worth its salt, good and evil will come to blows, and Swamp Thing and Dr. Arcane have an explosive final confrontation in Arcane's laboratory.

The Return of Swamp Thing is, without a doubt, one of the silliest movies I've ever seen. I honestly cannot believe that someone produced this movie and thought it was good enough to release theatrically. What's more baffling is that there's absolutely nothing about this movie that shows that anyone involved took the source material seriously. During the period between the first and second movies, the character of Swamp Thing had been predominantly handled by Alan Moore, who redefined the character and established the series as a gothic, supernatural horror saga. But I guess the powers that be chose not to follow in the comic's footsteps with The Return of Swamp Thing, creating a sci-fi comedy that is basically one big joke.

So let's begin the critiquing with the direction by Jim Wynorski, a filmmaker who's made developed a rather extensive résumé via his work on dozens of lame B-grade horror movies and glorified softcore pornography. I don't believe anyone would accuse Wynorski of being a good director who makes genuinely good movies, and I doubt that The Return of Swamp Thing is one that would change your mind on the matter. Wynorski's work here is consistent enough, though, but it's underwhelming and ultimately unimpressive. He just doesn't really do anything to make the movie stand out.

The same can be said for cinematographer Zoran Hochstatter, whose camerawork is pedestrian at best. Wynorski does, though, manage to get an acceptable musical score from composer Chuck Cirino. Cirino's music sounds similar to the work of Enrico Morricone at times, so if you're going to imitate someone's music, it might as well be someone good.

The best aspect of the production is the monster makeup effects. Swamp Thing's costume is a drastic improvement over what we saw in the previous movie, looking like Dick Durock just spent a month doing nothing but crawling around in the muck and mire of the swamp. And we can't forget the fantastic-looking half-man/half-creature mutants, either. We've got appearances from a cockroach man, an elephant man, an alligator man, and most prominently, a leech man. The creatures are wonderfully disgusting, though it's disappointing that they weren't used in a movie of better quality.

And then there's the script, penned by Grant Morris and Neil Cuthbert. And after watching the movie a few times, I'm beginning to think that the person or persons who approved this script for production had to be on the most massive drug trip of all time. I say that because it has to be one of the stupidest, most completely inane things ever written. The dialogue is atrocious, the characters are just plain dreadful, and nothing in it makes sense. There's the useless subplot where two annoying kids try to take a picture of Swamp Thing so they can sell it to a tabloid, along with the utterly idiotic scene where Arcane's chief security guards compare scars, similar to the famous scene from Jaws. Other than to pad out the running time, is there any reason at all for this crap to have been written, not to mention actually filmed and left in the final cut of the movie?

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention one of the stupidest parts of the movie, the most bizarre love scene I've ever seen. I mean, I thought the sex scenes from Showgirls and BloodRayne were bad. But The Return of Swamp Thing's just might blow them out of the water. So here's the scene: Swamp Thing has saved Abigail from her stepfather's goons, and they're really falling for one another. Abigail starts putting the moves on him, and Swamp Thing is all, "You weirdo, I'm a giant plant." Her response: "It's okay, I'm a vegetarian." No, really, her response was actual dialogue taken verbatim from the movie. Oh, but the madness doesn't stop there. Swamp Thing decides to indulge her, giving her some kind of root from his body to eat. Abigail eats it, and proceeds to hallucinate that she's having a romantic liaison with a regular human man. It's not steamy or exploitative or anything like that, it's just really weird. Not only does the scene make no sense at all, but it's a scene that really makes you sit back and wonder just what you're watching and why you're watching it.

Bringing up the rear is the cast, none of whom are really worth talking at length about. But I guess I'll have to talk about them anyway, because this paragraph would only be two sentences long if I didn't. Louis Jourdan returns as the villainous Dr. Anton Arcane, and he once again receives top billing. And why is that? In both movies, Jourdan is given the full star treatment, when you'd think that it would make more sense for Dick Durock — the actor actually playing Swamp Thing — would be the headliner. It's like how Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman outranked Christopher Reeve in the Superman movies, or how Jack Nicholson and Arnold Schwarzenegger were given top billing over Michael Keaton and George Clooney in their respective Batman movies. But I guess there's no sense in complaining about something as trivial as that.

Anyway, Jourdan hands in practically the exact same performance from the first Swamp Thing movie, only hammier and even more over the top. It's like he decided to become a combination of Cobra Commander, Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget, and Dr. Evil. He is entertaining at times, like during the scenes where he's arguing with his character's pet parrot. But other than that, you get the feeling that he knows just how bad this movie is, and that he'd rather be anywhere on the face of the planet than on the set. And I can't say that I really blame him, either.

Next on the list is Heather Locklear, who had recently made a name for herself with her roles on T.J. Hooker and Dynasty. And if those shows were two steps forward, The Return of Swamp Thing is ten steps back. The movie didn't exactly help her career, and her performance didn't exactly help the movie either. Locklear plays the role like she barely has a brain in her head, while delivering her lines almost as if she was supposed to be playing a Valley girl. She is charming, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but wonder just what she was thinking when she went into the role.

The rest of the supporting cast is more of the same. Sarah Douglas is okay, I guess, as Dr. Arcane's assistant. But the thing is, you can tell by the look in her eyes during the movie that Douglas came to the realization that her career had hit rock bottom. She was great in Superman II, but it seems like she just went into a tailspin afterwards. It's a shame, really.

Meanwhile, Ace Mask and Joey Sagal are humorous in their minor roles. (And for the record, "Ace Mask" is one of the coolest names ever. It sounds like a badass Mexican wrestler.) And then there's Monique Gabrielle, who could probably be out-acted by a mannequin. Her performance is so wooden that she was probably fighting off a swarm of termites during the filming of her scenes.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention RonReaco Lee and Daniel Taylor as the aforementioned kids who want to sell a picture of Swamp Thing to a tabloid. I thought the "Jude" character from the first movie was awful and useless, but Lee and Taylor's characters duplicate that while the actors add "annoying" to the mix. Lee isn't too bad, but he's the lesser of two evils. Like I said before, the characters are useless and their subplot is unnecessary. Were Morris and Cuthbert so hard-up for material to get the script to feature-length that they had to keep this crap in? I will say though, that for all their annoyances, Lee and Taylor do provide the movie's funnier moments. But that one compliment is like finding a tiny diamond in a giant mountain of turds.

Last but not least is Dick Durock, who returns to the title role of Swamp Thing. If anything, Durock contributes the least bad performance of the movie. I didn't particularly care for his work in the first movie, but Durock steps it up for the sequel by being entertaining in a silly way. The character as presented in these movies has very little depth, if any at all, but Durock does as good a job as he can. And he must have impressed somebody, because they brought him back to reprise the role on the live-action television show from the early '90s.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about The Return of Swamp Thing is that it was not only released in the same year as Tim Burton's modern classic Batman, but that both were produced by Benjamin Melniker and Michael Uslan. The mere notion that the same two guys produced both one of DC's goofiest movies and one of their best in the same year just boggles my mind. But that said, The Return of Swamp Thing is one of those flicks where the label "so bad, it's good" most certainly applies.

I implied earlier that the movie's failure to take the source material seriously was a bad thing. It certainly made for a bad movie, but the movie doesn't even take itself seriously, which makes it somewhat endearing. The movie's opening credit sequence — a montage of various art from the Swamp Thing comics, set to Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Born on the Bayou" — is worth the price of admission all by itself. And I wouldn't be surprised if the licensing fees for that song ate up ninety percent of the movie's budget. But in any event, The Return of Swamp Thing is a movie that I can't really recommend to the general public, but would give to anybody who holds an appreciation for campy B-movies with no sense of shame. I've most assuredly seen better, but I've seen a whole lot worse.

Final Rating: **

Swamp Thing (1982)

In my review of Blade, I said that while the most famous and popular type of superheroes are the ones fighting crime in masks or capes, there are others out there who don't quite fit that mold. While I was initially describing Blade's titular vampire slayer, what I said could also be used to describe the star of the movie I'll be reviewing right now. Created by writer Len Wein and artist Berni Wrightson, Swamp Thing made his first true appearance in 1972, inspired by a very similar character that Wein and Wrightson had created a year earlier for DC's House of Secrets comic.

Swamp Thing has been an enduring secondary character for DC, with famous writers like Gerry Conway, Alan Moore, Grant Morrison, and Mark Millar having tackled Swamp Thing over the years. He's also proven popular enough to have inspired a number of different media properties, with the early 1990s seeing the appearance of a television series on the USA Network, an incredibly short-lived cartoon on Fox, and a line of action figures manufactured by Kenner.

But what could arguably be called the most famous adaptation of Swamp Thing is the motion picture written and directed by Wes Craven. Yes, the man behind such classics of the horror genre like The Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, and A Nightmare on Elm Street also directed a movie based on Swamp Thing. The movie has developed something of a very minor cult following since its release in 1982, so let's try to see why.

Welcome to the swamps of South Carolina, where Dr. Alec Holland (Ray Wise) is developing a new form of plant life that can live and thrive in even the harshest of environments. This discovery amazes Dr. Holland's colleague, Alice Cable (Adrienne Barbeau), while simultaneously garnering the attention of rival scientist Anton Arcane (Louis Jourdan). Arcane sends his personal team of mercenaries to steal Holland's research before he can hand his results over to his government overseers. And naturally, the mercenaries do a little bit more than just steal some files. They go as far as to kill everyone in Holland's laboratory, and in the fracas, Holland himself is doused with chemicals and set on fire. He flees out into the swamp, leaving the mercenaries to presume him dead.

But Alice has survived, having absconded with a journal containing Holland's most important research. Arcane's henchmen march through the swamp to find her, but they instead find nothing but trouble. Instead of dying, the exposure to the chemicals mutated Holland into "Swamp Thing" (Dick Durock), a walking, talking, humanoid mass of vegetation bent on getting vengeance against those who have caused his transformation. And as he tears through the mercenaries to protect Alice, he doesn't plan on stopping until he gets his hands on Arcane.

Back when Swamp Thing was released, making a movie based on a comic book was something that wasn't really done all that often. As a matter of fact, movies based on comic books were incredibly rare at the time. The only ones around were the first two Superman movies. But while the Superman movies were fantastic flicks that took the material seriously. Meanwhile, Swamp Thing forgoes the supernatural nature of the comic books to give us a schlocky B-grade monster movie. Yeah, it's endured as a minor cult classic amongst comic book fans, but the movie could have been a whole heck of a lot better. Maybe it's the nostalgia factor that's made it so popular? Maybe I'm looking too deeply into a movie that's essentially a swamp monster killing off one-dimensional bad guys? I don't know. But there was just something about the movie that prevented me from becoming fully engrossed in it. Perhaps this review can help me figure out what that problem was.

As said before, the movie was the handiwork of Wes Craven. Even over twenty-five years after Swamp Thing was released, Craven still seems like an odd choice to write and direct a movie like this. At the time, he had gained recognition for The Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes, a pair of graphic, misanthropic horror movies that are quite unlike the movie I'm reviewing now. Then again, Craven also directed the Meryl Streep drama Music of the Heart in 1999, so what do I know?

But anyway, back to the movie at hand. The truth is that Craven's direction here is, frankly, uninspired. With the hokey cinematography from Robbie Greenberg, cartoony scene transitions that are both lame and unfortunately overused, unexciting fight scenes and chase sequences that go on too long, and incredibly ugly costumes for the monsters, it really ends up resulting in a movie that's more camp than anything else. At least Craven was able to get some good music from composer Harry Manfredini. Coming off of his breakthrough success with Friday the 13th, Manfredini does a fine job here. My only complaint is that is some of it sounds like he merely recycled some of his Friday the 13th music for Swamp Thing. When you've seen the early Friday the 13th movies as many times as I have, you tend to pick up on little things like that.

Seriously, though, let's go back to those monster costumes really quick. While Swamp Thing's costume looks acceptable from a distance, but when featured in close-ups, it looks pretty unrealistic. And it's really hard to believe that Ray Wise could have transformed into something with completely different facial features. However, the crappy Swamp Thing costume pales in comparison to the costumes that appear later in the movie. In an odd twist, the villainous Anton Arcane utilizes a concoction similar to the chemicals that created Swamp Thing. Said concoction turns one of Arcane's henchmen into Marlon Brando's creepy little sidekick from The Island of Dr. Moreau, while mutating Arcane himself into... well, I can't even begin to describe just how terribly hideous this abomination is. You cannot imagine how much trouble I'm having trying to think of things to say about it. I can understand that a low-budget monster movie circa 1982 isn't going to have tip-top special effects, but this is absurd.

Craven also wrote the screenplay, which I thought was just as silly as his direction. Swamp Thing was made during that era where comic book movies were lighter and more family-friendly, and Craven's script is certainly evidence of that. Now I can't say that I've read any Swamp Thing comics that were published prior to the movie's release, but they can't possibly be as ridiculous as what Craven gives us. If the comics were anything like the movie, then it's a good thing Alan Moore came along and changed things up. Really, what was Craven thinking? His script is full of cheesy dialogue, an unintimidating villain, and one of the most useless characters in cinematic history. Seriously, did the "Jude" character actually serve any sort of purpose? Any purpose at all? Come on, Craven! You could have done better than this!

Last up is the acting, which is mediocre at best. I'll admit that I liked Ray Wise as Alec Holland. Wise is good in pretty much everything I've seen him in, so that isn't much of a surprise. But thanks to the nature of the character, he's is sadly gone within the first thirty minutes of the movie. It's a shame that they couldn't have him play both facets of the character, because he could have done better than Dick Durock. He has his moments, but most of the time, Durock seems stiff in the role. His delivery is wooden, and he manages to inspire all the sympathy one would have for a smelly pair of well-used gym socks.

I can't really say that I felt Adrienne Barbeau did all that great of a job either. She has something of a following due to her status as a Scream Queen during the first half of the '80s, but she's never done anything for me (outside of her wonderfully bitchy performance in Creepshow, that is). And I can't say I was impressed with her performance here, either. It also seems like the costume designer was given only one suggestion: Make sure the audience's attention is focused squarely on Barbeau's chest. Even the movie's poster (as seen above) makes a point of emphasizing it. It's like they were just a step away from having a flashing neon sign pointing right at the goods for the entire movie.

And then there's Louis Jourdan as the villainous Anton Arcane. Jourdan's performance is hammy to an unconscionable degree, making even the most over-the-top B-movie actors look like master thespians. Jourdan does not make for a great villain, and only serves to make the movie even lamer. And let's not forget Reggie Batts as Jude, a character that is neither needed nor really wanted. He serves his purpose in only one scene, but just keeps turning up in random scenes for no good reason at all. According to his IMDB profile, this is Batts's only performance in anything, and perhaps that's for the best. Sure, he's funny in some scenes. But mostly, he comes across as Steve Urkel hopped up on Quaaludes. And that's terrible.

So yeah, I didn't think Swamp Thing was as good as its reputation might have let on. The property does have potential, and could possibly turn into something good if done with today's comic-respecting cinematic world. But I can come up with two reasons why this attempt might have turned out the way it did. One reason is because Craven and the cast used Swamp Thing to create a bad homage to the B-grade monster movies from the '50s.

And what is the second reason? It's just so freaking repetitive. After Holland's transformation into Swamp Thing, the rest of the movie becomes "chase scene, the bad guys capture someone, they escape, chase scene, capture, escape" over and over. If Craven and company don't care, then I can't find any reason for me to either. Do I think there will be a good Swamp Thing movie someday? Sure, I don't see why not. But this initial try just isn't it. I can't say that I thought it was a truly bad movie, but it's just that it isn't a particularly good one either.

Final Rating: **

Man-Thing (2005)

While I've said in other reviews that not every superhero fits the "masked crimefighter" mold, it can most assuredly be said that not every comic book protagonist is a superhero. Some fight demons, vampires, or other forces of darkness. Others seek redemption, to survive in a world gone to Hell, or to merely kick the crap out of those who have wronged them. And then there's the few who are just plain monsters. No kidding, actual monsters.

In the pantheon of comic monsters, one of the most notable is Man-Thing. Making his first appearance in 1971 within the pages of Marvel's Strange Tales #1, the creature known as Man-Thing was the creation of writers Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, and artist Gray Morrow. The character has popped up primarily in the horror and science-fiction comics published by Marvel over the last few decades, and also provided a forum for writer Steve Gerber to create the one and only Howard the Duck.

But Man-Thing has really never achieved the same level of fame that other secondary characters on the Marvel or DC rosters have garnered. It's as if Man-Thing is to Marvel Comics what someone like Ambush Bug is to DC Comics: a D-list character that has developed his own fanbase while remaining virtually unknown to the general public. Although he has remained relatively obscure over the years, Man-Thing was eventually chosen to follow in the footsteps of other, more notable Marvel characters and star in his own movie.

But, alas, there's a catch. There's always a catch. It turns out that instead of getting a theatrical run, the Man-Thing movie would premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel on April 30, 2005, before heading to DVD the following summer. Maybe you could call it a throwback to that bygone era of the '80s and '90s when Marvel's movies suffered similar fates? So let's jump into this thing and see if it turned out as bad as its "Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie" pedigree would have you believe.

Welcome to scenic Bywater, a small Florida town that's actually more swampland that civilization. Big city lawman Kyle Williams (Matthew Le Nevez) is — quite literally — the new sheriff in town, and on his first day on the job, he's already up to his neck in things to worry about. He has a mountain of missing person reports on his desk, and he's called out to break up a protest organized by a group of environmentalists led by local third grade teacher Teri Edwards (Rachael Taylor). She and her fellow tree-huggers have gathered together in opposition of Frederick Schist (Jack Thompson), an unscrupulous oil tycoon who plans to extend his business into the swamplands he has bartered away from the area's Native American community.

And that's when the mutilated corpses start turning up. The murders and disappearances are initially attributed to alligator attacks, while Schist puts the blame on Rene LaRoque (Steve Bastoni), a mysterious swamp-dwelling rogue who harbors a grudge against Schist and his company. But as Sheriff Williams's investigation continues, he is led lead to Pete Horn (Rawiri Paratene), a wise old Native American who tells the sheriff of the mystical forces that dwell within areas of the swamp his people consider holy. An ancient spirit has arisen from the swamp's murky depths, angered by the encroachment into his sacred territory. This spirit takes the form of a walking heap of muck and mire, and seeks to extract bloody vengeance from all those who dare intrude upon the swamp he protects.

As a cinematic adaptation as a character from the pantheon of Marvel Comics, Man-Thing is pretty awful. It is, as I noted in the introduction, a throwback to the "good old days" of lame yet strangely lovable Marvel movies like Howard the Duck. I'd go as far as to say that it's a good thing that Man-Thing was shuttled off to the Sci-Fi Channel and video store shelves without a theatrical release. Otherwise, it might have set Marvel's stake in the genre of comic book movies back fifteen years. But when viewed from the context of it being a low-budget B-movie, Man-Thing isn't too bad. It's actually — gasp! — kinda fun. I know, right? Who would've thought? I actually thought it was an entertaining movie. I'm not saying it was a good movie by any means. I'm just saying that I didn't hate it. Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are.

Let's talk about the direction first. At the helm is Brett Leonard, the man behind such classics as Virtuosity, Highlander: The Source, and The Lawnmower Man, the one Stephen King adaptation that was so screwed up that King himself fought to get his name taken off of it. While he isn't known for directing pinnacles of cinematic achievement, Leonard at least shows some sense of competence with Man-Thing. He manages to keep the pace moving fast, never letting us slow down to consider any inconsistencies or general goofiness that may crop up over the course of the movie.

He also manages to give the movie a certain creepy atmosphere that works in its favor. Steve Arnold's cinematography during the dark swamp scenes is a little murky at times, but other than that, Leonard manages to hold it together as well as he can. The aforementioned creepy atmosphere is assisted by the spooky musical score contributed by Roger Mason. It works well in establishing the necessary auditory environment for the movie, and I give it a thumbs-up.

Next up is the screenplay written by Hans Rodionoff, whose only other claims to fame are the direct-to-video sequels The Skulls II and Lost Boys: The Tribe. And before you start getting your hopes up, I must say that Man-Thing's script is typical of the movie's status as a B-grade monster movie that made its world premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel. Know what I mean?

Rodionoff's script isn't exactly what you would call solid, thanks to its cheesy dialogue, an overabundance of clichés, and character development that's so lacking that it's practically nonexistent. These aren't really characters so much as they are caricatures of characters. There's the protagonist, his love interest, the villain, the man who knows a little too much, the red herring, and everyone else is lame cannon fodder for Man-Thing.

And the really crummy part is that Man-Thing — the character the movie is named after and the character the movie is supposed to be about — is treated almost as if he were any other movie monster, only he doesn't have as much screen time as you'd expect. We get our first fleeting glimpse of Man-Thing at the 47-minute mark, but his appearances are just shots of an arm or a leg, with his full visage remaining obscured or out of focus. He doesn't make his grand reveal until the final 23 minutes of the movie. This was probably done for both budgetary concerns and to try adding a modicum of suspense, but I guess I've been spoiled by seeing too many Godzilla movies. I will say, though, that Rodionoff's script isn't as bad as it could have been. I've seen a lot of movies with worse scripts, so Rodionoff did a better job that I'd have expected. (I know that's a lame backhanded compliment, but nobody asked you for your opinion.)

And I think I should explain what I said earlier, about why I felt that the movie is a bad adaptation of a comic book. I said that because it feels like so little of the comic book actually made it into in the movie. There's a fleeting reference to the Nexus of All Realities, and some characters are named after important writers and artists in Man-Thing's history. But other than that, there's not a whole lot to connect the comics to the movie. It's as if the filmmakers had a completely different movie lined up, and then they stumbled upon the movie rights for Man-Thing and just did a little tinkering to the script to create what we have now.

This, to me, is evidenced in the differences in how Man-Thing is depicted. In the comics, he was originally Ted Sallis, a biochemist who was transformed into a shambling, nearly mindless heap of vegetation via a combination of an experimental serum and the supernatural forces dwelling within the Florida Everglades. In the movie, Ted Sallis became a Seminole Indian who was killed and buried beneath an oil rig out in the swamp. Thanks to the supernatural nature of the swamp, his remains are shaped into a violent force of nature that is charged with protecting the endangered swamp from unwanted outsiders. I can understand if they changed the origin story to avoid comparisons to the similar origins of Man-Thing's DC Comics counterpart Swamp Thing. But were the changes that necessary?

And while the comic book version of Man-Thing would only fight if provoked, it really feels like the movie version is basically the bastard child of Swamp Thing and Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movies. This is particularly evidenced by the fact that he kills with what appears to be as little discrimination as possible. At the beginning of the movie, he kills a guy who's in the midst of, shall we say, showing a lady friend a good time. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. The comic's very awesome tagline was, "Whoever knows fear will burn at Man-Thing's touch!" But I'd guess that if you retrofitted that for the movie, it would be, "Whoever enters the swamp will have their arms and legs torn off and a tree shoved up their butt by Man-Thing!" That's a little too wordy, but it's an accurate description.

Lastly is the acting, and I have to say that if you're going to cast a number of foreign actors to play Americans, make sure you have a dialogue coach to teach them the proper accents for their characters. Both the production and the casting were outsourced to Australia, and the movie's country of origin shows. I'm from the South, and I've never heard anyone speak like the people in this movie. Either the accents the actors were aiming for are way too over-the-top (as is the case with the actors playing the stereotypical racist drunks and slack-jawed yokels), inconsistent (as is the case with pretty much everybody else), or just not there (as is the case with Rachael Taylor). Seriously, Taylor is a charming actress and she does a fine job here, but the fact that I honestly can't tell the difference between her natural Aussie accent and her attempts at a Southern accent really says something.

Taylor does well enough, though, as does our hero, Matthew Le Nevez. Le Nevez's accent may not be 100% believable, but other than that, he does a respectable job as the inexperienced yet dedicated sheriff. My only problem is that Le Nevez and Taylor don't seem to have much a romantic spark together. Maybe it's just the poor way the relationship between their characters is developed within the script, but it just seems like they have four or five unromantic scenes together, then they're making out by the end of the movie. They could have at least had a fistfight or two like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner in Daredevil. All we get out of Le Nevez and Taylor is a few arguments, her kicking him in the crotch once, and then they're all friendly with one another. It's crazy.

The rest of the cast is acceptable by B-movie standards. Jack Thompson is wonderfully sleazy as the villainous Frederick Schist. I just wish they'd gone one step further and given him the middle initial "A.," just so they could have utilized the cheesy "F.A. Schist" wordplay that appeared in a storyline involving Man-Thing back in the '70s. The movie version's corporate emblem already bears a suspicious similarity to a Nazi swastika, so what would have been hurt by naming him F.A. Schist?

I also thought Rawiri Paratene did well as the stereotypical wise old Native American, and I really liked Robert Mammone and the aforementioned director Brett Leonard as a curious cryptzoologist and the county coroner, respectively. Steve Bastoni handed in a fine performance himself, giving the character a certain mysterious charisma that made him interesting to watch despite the lack of screen time or character development. And lastly, I'll just say that John Batchelor and Ian Bless, who play a pair of greasy-looking rednecks who do the occasional bit of grunt work for the villain, probably shouldn't quit their day jobs.

So yeah, that's Man-Thing. There's not a whole lot else to say about it. If you're looking for a Marvel Comics movie on the level of Iron Man or X-Men, then Man-Thing probably isn't it. Even if you lower your standards to Elektra levels, you still might be left feeling a teensy bit disappointed. But if you enjoy cheap B-grade monster movies like Mansquito or Boa vs. Python, it could possibly be right up your alley.

I'll actually go out on a limb and say that it has just about everything a fan of B-movies could want. There's a guy who has been transformed into a gross monster, corporate malfeasance, clueless cops, lots of violence, actors you've probably never heard of, some explosions, and a girl gets topless within the first five minutes of the movie. It's basically the Snakes on a Plane of comic book movies, only without Samuel L. Jackson or any Internet buzz. If that sounds good to you, go rent Man-Thing. Though I'm presenting it with a score of two and a half stars on my Five-Star Sutton Scale, I'm still giving it a recommendation as a guilty pleasure. You monster movie fans will love it.

Final Rating: **½

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Superheroes come in all shapes, all sizes, and with all kinds of special abilities. But none are quite like Blade. Instead of fighting megalomaniacs, aliens, insane clowns, or green goblins, Blade's enemies are those classic villains, vampires. Himself a half-vampire, it's Blade's job to eliminate every supernatural bloodsucker he comes across. Though Blade is a relatively obscure character in the Marvel Comics pantheon, New Line Cinema bought the movie rights to the character and released a live-action adaptation in 1998.

Though the movie was only a moderate financial success, its impact is still being felt ten years later. I spoke of this in my review of it, but Blade revolutionized the entire superhero movie genre. Bryan Singer's X-Men might get the lion's share of the glory due to both the Blade character's lack of notoriety and X-Men's genre-revolutionizing special effects, but Blade truly got the ball rolling. A sequel was released in 2002, which turned out to be even more popular than its predecessor. So reasoning that they should probably ride this money train as long as they could, New Line released a third movie, Blade: Trinity, in 2004. It might not be as good as Blade II, but it's not so bad.

Our story naturally picks up sometime after the events of Blade II, and the tireless vampire slayer Blade (Wesley Snipes) is continuing his seemingly unending war against the vampire race. Realizing that they're on the losing side of this war, a group of vampires have concocted a plan to turn the tables on their foe. As he tears through a vampire hideout, Blade is tricked into killing a normal human being used as bait. News footage of this is used to spin Blade as a psychotic serial killer, shooting him to the top of the FBI's most wanted list. The FBI manages to track Blade to his hidden compound, and although his sidekick Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) sacrifices himself in the ensuing fracas, Blade is defeated and taken into police custody.

But as certain vampire-sympathetic police officers prepare to hand Blade over to the vampire sect who set him up, they're interrupted by Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and Whistler's long-lost daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel). The duo breaks Blade out, rushing him back to their own hideout. There, they introduce him to their own ragtag group of vampire slayers, dubbed "the Nightstalkers." Though initially reluctant to join the Nightstalkers due to their relative inexperience, Blade agrees to partner with them after Hannibal reveals himself to be a former vampire who had been cured. During the following grand tour of the Nightstalker facility, they tell Blade of their discovery that Danica Talos (Parker Posey) and her posse of bloodsuckers have found and awakened the ancient — and the very first — vampire known as Dracula (Dominic Purcell), who now answers to the name "Drake." With Drake on their side, Danica hopes that they can finally eliminate Blade and instigate the vampire version of the "final solution."

To combat this newfound threat, the Nightstalkers have developed a biological weapon they've named the Daystar. The Daystar is designed to kill any and every vampire in the nearby area, but there's two catches. The first is that they need to add some of Drake's blood to the Daystar recipe. Because he is the progenitor of the entire vampire race, his pure blood could maximize the Daystar's potency. The second catch: Because of Blade's unique situation as a half-vampire, the Daystar could possibly kill him too. But that is a risk Blade is willing to take if it means another step towards winning his fight against vampires.

Since its release in 2004, Blade: Trinity has often been referred to as the weakest chapter in the Blade trilogy. And I can't really argue with that, because it's the truth. From both a critical and a financial standpoint, Blade: Trinity was the least successful of the entire trilogy. But I don't think it's the truly bad movie that critics like Roger Ebert and the like might have you believe. Sure, it isn't as great as it could have been. But I still thought it was a fun, enjoyable movie in spite of the flaws it may have. I liked it, and I'll make an attempt tell you why.

Let's start with the direction from David Goyer. Goyer steps into the director's chair after Blade II director Guillermo Del Toro passed on the job so he could make Hellboy, and I have to applaud him for taking a shot. He'd only helmed one other movie prior to this, and his inexperience shows. However, Goyer also shows signs of competence as a director too. He gets some fine camerawork from cinematographer Gabriel Beristain, and he succeeds in maintaining a relatively quick pace so that the movie never lulls for too long at any given time.

There are a few scenes that could have stood being trimmed or cut entirely, like the revelation of the "vampire final solution" and the scene where Drake kills two unassuming Goth kids just because they were selling crappy Dracula merchandise. But outside of that, I didn't think Goyer did that bad of a job as director. I also liked the music composed by Ramin Djwadi and The RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan. Their hip hop and techno-oriented score suits the movie well. Their music fits the tone that Goyer was aiming for, and really backs up the visuals.

Meanwhile, Goyer's script isn't too bad, but it isn't really as strong as it could have been. Could it be that after writing the first two movies in the trilogy, Goyer simply ran out of steam? It just seems that the jokes are way too plentiful (and in some cases, way too lame), some scenes don't contribute as much to the overall narrative as they could, and Drake doesn't really come across as the end-all, be-all of enemies. He just doesn't feel all that threatening. And why do they say he changed his name from "Dracula" to "Drake"? What's so wrong with just calling him Dracula? Was there some kind of copyright problem where they were only allowed to call him Dracula once or twice? If Buffy the Vampire Slayer can fight a vampire that's actually named Dracula, then why can't Blade? Sigh.

Lastly is the cast, most of whom do as fine a job as they can. Wesley Snipes is once again engaging as the titular vampire hunter. The character's evolution from stoic, emotionless badass to snarky tough guy — an evolution that began in Blade II — seems complete here, and Snipes handles the role with a certain enthusiasm. I know in retrospect that Snipes was less than thrilled with Blade: Trinity for reasons that include his screen time being cut in order to place more emphasis on the Nightstalkers, but that doesn't change the fact that they couldn't have asked for a better person to play Blade.

I also enjoyed Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds as Blade's new backup. Biel is credible as Abigail Whistler, giving the character a tough courageousness that makes her thoroughly likeable. And Reynolds... well, if you've seen practically any of Ryan Reynolds's movies, you know what to expect from him. The role was supposedly specifically written with his comedic talents in mind, so he's able to comfortably assume the role of Hannibal King and make it his own. The only really bad part is that virtually every word he says and every move he makes is some kind of wisecrack. After a while, you begin to think that the character is just a cheap one-trick pony, and you just want him to shut up for two seconds and be serious.

The rest of the cast is something of a mixed bag. Parker Posey and pro wrestler Triple H are both effective in their roles as members of the vampire clan trying to vanquish Blade, and Patton Oswalt is funny is what is essentially an extended cameo as the armorer for the Nightstalkers. And once again, I enjoyed Kris Kristofferson's performance, despite his glaring lack of screen time. I'm disappointed that Goyer felt the need to kill his character off, especially so early in the movie, but Kristofferson still plays the role like a champ.

But the only member of the extended cast who I wasn't really impressed by was Dominic Purcell as Drake. If his performance was a dog, they'd have taken him out behind the shed and shot him. Drake is perhaps the least frightening depiction of Dracula that I've personally ever seen, thanks to a combination of poor writing and Purcell's poor acting. Seriously, Leslie Nielson made a better Dracula in Dracula: Dead and Loving It than Purcell did in Blade: Trinity. And that's terrible.

David Goyer handles Blade: Trinity differently than the directors of the prior Blade movies. It isn't the gritty, no-nonsense action movie that Stephen Norrington made, or the would-be Brothers Grimm tale that Guillermo Del Toro crafted. Instead, Goyer gives us something that is style over substance, an odd amalgamation of elements of the first two movies with a glossier, mainstream sheen and a silly sense of humor. That's why Blade: Trinity is often looked at as the trilogy's redheaded stepchild. (But that's still better than the television series, which could be viewed as the franchise's answer to Cousin Oliver.) I still thought it was an amusing movie in spite of its flaws, so I'll give it three stars on my Five Star Sutton Scale. Now if only Wesley Snipes would stay out of legal trouble for them to make Blade 4...

Final Rating: ***

Blade II (2002)

There once was a time when superhero movies weren't the money-making juggernauts they are today. In that day and age, you could count the number of truly good superhero movies on one hand and have fingers left over. But times change. The superhero movie genre underwent a dramatic change at the turn of the twenty-first century, and it's all thanks to the movie Blade. The titular vampire slayer from the pages of Marvel Comics is neither a mainstream nor a traditional superhero by any means, but when the live-action movie he inspired was released to theaters in 1998, its success prompted movie studios to take a fresh look at how they adapted comic book properties into feature films.

And of course, the success of Blade meant that New Line Cinema wouldn't hesitate in approving a sequel. That sequel — the appropriately-titled Blade II — greatly improves upon its predecessor by not only trying to avoid Blade's flaws, but delivering more of what we'd expect: lots of vampires, exciting action, and good old-fashioned violence.

Two years have passed since the events of the first movie, time that Blade (Wesley Snipes) has spent searching for the missing body of his lost mentor, Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson). He eventually finds his old friend in the Czech Republic, turned into a vampire and kept alive in suspended animation. Bringing Whistler back to his base of operations, Blade administers an accelerated version of the anti-vampirism cure developed in the first movie. The cure works, and while Whistler is grateful to be a human again, he isn't exactly enthused with some of the changes made to he and Blade's operation in his absence.

And by that, I mean Whistler is less than impressed by Blade's choice in a new sidekick, a disrespectful goon named Scud (Norman Reedus). But while Whistler and Scud squabble, a bigger problem presents itself when two vampires infiltrate their hideout and propose a temporary truce with Blade. He agrees to this truce, and the vampire pair escort him to the fortress of Eli Damaskinos (Thomas Kretschmann), an ancient vampire elder.

He brings to Blade's attention Jared Nomak (Luke Goss), an incredibly violent vampire who is spreading a new, evolved form of vampirism named "the Reaper virus." Nomak's bloodlust drives him to not only attack humans, but vampires as well. Nomak is slowly but surely infecting others with the Reaper virus, and its spread threatens both the human and vampire races. Damaskinos and his clan offer to temporarily suspend their hostilities with Blade and partner with him in order to combat Nomak and the growing number of Reapers he has created. Blade accepts, entering into an uneasy alliance with Damaskinos's daughter Nyssa (Leoner Varela) and a squad of vampire assassins known as the Bloodpack. But as Blade and the Bloodpack prepare to wage war with Nomak, secrets soon come bubbling to the surface that ally against ally.

I enjoyed the first Blade movie, but that didn't change the fact that it had its share of flaws. Blade II improves upon its predecessor's methods, operating with more focus, greatly improved special effects, and more imagination. Now that's not to say that this movie doesn't have its own flaws, but that doesn't stop it from being an entertaining piece of action cinema. Blade II might still just be your typical modern action movie, but it is handled in such a way that puts it at a higher quality than other movies such as this. It's also a stronger movie than Blade, so let's get into what makes it that way, shall we?

A lot of the movie's fantastic quality comes from the work of director Guillermo Del Toro. He's no stranger to vampires, as his debut movie — the 1993 Mexican flick Chronos — also delves into the realm of undead bloodsuckers. But Blade II is a much different beast than the other, more fantasy-oriented work that Del Toro is known for. It is, as I said, pretty much a straightforward action movie with vampires as the villains. However, Del Toro is a very artistic filmmaker, which means good things for Blade II. The movie is visually astounding, with stunning camerawork (thanks to cinematographer Gabriel Beristain), CGI and special effects that have vastly improved upon the original movie's, and a Brothers Grimm-like tone.

Blade II might not be the same kind of glorified fairy tale like Pan's Labyrinth or the Hellboy movies, but Del Toro's work here gives the movie that sort of vibe. There's a reason why Blade II is considered by quite a few people to be the best chapter in the trilogy, and I'd reason to bet that Del Toro's direction is the reason why. There's also some great music composed by Marco Beltrami that, when combined with the hip hop songs comprising the soundtrack, the movie boasts an auditory experience that greatly backs up the visual one.

Next up is the screenplay, penned once again by David S. Goyer. Goyer seems to have learned from the mistakes made in the first Blade movie by eschewing some of the cheesy, over-the-top dialogue and characters that were so prevalent. Goyer's script does include a joke or two that don't really work, a character who is quite annoying, and a twist regarding one character's allegiances that is both lame and obvious in retrospect. But other than that, Goyer's script is tighter and more streamlined, more focused. He actually works harder in order to create intimidating villains and characters you can root for.

But as I said, there are weak spots in the script, particularly the occasional gaping hole in the movie's logic. The biggest one is at the very beginning of the movie, when the two vampires deliver their message of a truce to Blade. They sneak into the building dressed like ninjas, then engage in a fight with Blade. I know it was done to add a little excitement to the movie, but for their own sake, wouldn't it have been easier for the two characters to simply knock on the door and deliver the message without having to be so sneaky about it? What if Blade had killed them before they could say anything? Then their whole mission would have been shot, and it would have blown the entire movie within the first twenty minutes. Maybe I'm looking too deeply into things, but seriously, it's the little things that get noticed the most.

Last but not least is the cast. As with the prior movie, the acting portion of Blade II is primarily dominated by Wesley Snipes. He's not as stoic nor as conflicted as he was previously. Instead, Snipes seems more focused on making Blade the ultimate ass-kicker. Through Snipes's performance, we get the impression that Blade is having fun hunting vampires, offering the occasional bit of sarcastic trash talk while reducing his bloodsucking foes to piles of ash. And because of his engaging, charismatic performance, Snipes draws us in and makes the movie as a whole more entertaining.

The rest of the cast, for the most part, do well too. Kris Kristofferson is once again amusing as Blade's perpetually grumpy sidekick and father figure, while Ron Perlman is fun as a member of the Bloodpack that finds great amusement in antagonizing Blade. I also thought Leoner Varela was engaging in her role as a potential love interest for our hero, while Thomas Kretschmann did a fine job playing the creepy vampire elder. And I would be remiss if I failed to mention Luke Goss as our lead villain. Goss's performance as the vampire's vampire is everything that Stephen Dorff wasn't in the first movie: intimidating, no-nonsense, and just plain scary. Goss is great, one of the movie's real bright spots.

However, I'd be lying if I said that I thought all of the cast put forth their best efforts. I don't know whether it's the actor's fault or Goyer's fault for the creation of such an irritating character, but every second Norman Reedus was in a scene, I wanted him to go away. That's one misfire that's managed to carry over from Blade into Blade II: the annoying sidekick. I don't see the necessity for that same character archetype to be used again, something that isn't helped by the fact that if I could have, I'd have reached into the screen and smacked the Scud character every time I saw him. Though I will admit that the character being such a pain in the neck makes his final fate that much more gratifying.

That aside, Blade II is quite simply a fun and entertaining movie from start to finish. The cast and crew should be proud of themselves for putting together such a solid movie. Sure, Blade isn't among the most recognizable characters in Marvel's stable of superheroes, but that doesn't stop Blade II from being a fun way to spend two hours of your time. It's everything that you could want to see in a movie cut from this kind of cloth. So on the patent-pending Five-Star Sutton Scale, Blade II earns a solid four stars. Go check it out, and you'll see what I mean.

Final Rating: ****