Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD (1998)

Not every comic book hero has to wear a fancy costume or have superpowers. Others can get by just by being themselves. One of these characters is Nick Fury. Created by industry legends Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, Fury first appeared in 1963 as the leader of the Howling Commandos, an elite unit of Army Rangers fighting in World War II.

The book was a solid seller, but Marvel Comics saw the popularity of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and the James Bond villains known as SPECTRE and couldn't help but capitalize upon it. Fury was reimagined in 1965 as a super-spy in charge of the government-endorsed espionage agency SHIELD. Fury and SHIELD have been mainstays within the company ever since, often having an influence on many of the characters within Marvel's fictional universe.

Though Fury's headlining books have rarely lasted long, he's been such a stalwart supporting character that he even got to star in his own motion picture. Okay, so it wasn't a huge movie. It didn't even go direct-to-video. Instead, the movie aired on the Fox Network on May 26, 1998, as the pilot episode of a potential television series that never materialized. One of the most obscure movies to be based on Marvel's characters, Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD is really one of those flicks that earned its obscurity.

Colonel Nick Fury (David Hasselhoff) is retired, having left SHIELD five years earlier for a solitary existence in a remote location in the Yukon. He'd really rather be left alone, but he just might have to come out of retirement. His old enemies, the terrorist agency known as HYDRA, have surfaced once again. Leading this new incarnation of HYDRA are Andrea von Strucker (Sandra Hess) and her brother Werner (Scott Heindl), who have acquired the cryogenically frozen body of their villainous father, Baron Wolfgang von Strucker (Campbell Lane). Their intent: to use their father's DNA to create a sample of the lethal Death's Head Virus.

Despite his initial hesitation to return to active duty, Colonel Fury is prompted to rejoin SHIELD after the Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine (Lisa Rinna) passes along the information that the von Strucker siblings killed one of his closest friends when he attempted to thwart the theft of their father's body. Kill one of Nick Fury's friends, and he's gonna get pissed.

SHIELD has deduced that Andrea, now answering to the codename "Viper," has packed the Death's Head Virus into four missiles pointed at Manhattan. And unless HYDRA recieves one billion dollars, those missiles will be launched. The only person alive who could possibly give SHIELD the cure is Arnim Zola (Peter Haworth), a Nazi scientist who helped Baron von Strucker develop the virus in the first place.

But just their luck, Viper has planted herself within SHIELD as a spy, using their information to find Zola and take him into HYDRA's custody. It also presents her with the opportunity to infect Colonel Fury with a poison that will kill him within 48 hours. SHIELD is now stuck in a race against time to not only locate HYDRA's missiles, but find a way to save Colonel Fury's life. 

Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD is a movie made during a really weird time. Its first airing back in 1998 came just three months before Blade completely revolutionized the way Marvel Comics properties were approached. It still bears resemblances to the cheesy, forgettable Marvel movies that came before it. However, perhaps it is unfair to judge it as a legitimate motion picture. After all, as I noted in the opening paragraph, it is actually the pilot episode of a television series that was never picked up. And when looking at it from that angle... yeah, it's still not all that great. If it actually had become a full-blown series, I doubt it would have lasted more than a handful of episodes, let alone a full season. It probably would have ended up going the way of other action shows like Thunder in Paradise, running for so many episodes before fading into complete obscurity following its cancellation.

The man in charge is veteran television director Rod Hardy, whose work here is competent yet somewhat underwhelming. He does the best he possibly can, but Hardy seems hampered by his apparently meager budget. This leads to sets and studio backlots that look second rate, the occasional lackluster costume, and special effects that could have used a little improvement. With a larger budget, the effects would surely have looked more impressive. But instead, you can tell what's green-screen work and what isn't. None of it is 100% convincing, but for the most part, it's at least forgivable. Hardy does, though, manage to keep things rolling at a steady pace, and he also gets some ambitious cinematography from James Bartle and a good musical score from Kevin Kiner. All in all, Hardy's direction turned out better than it should have been.

Handling the script is David Goyer, the same guy who wrote the Blade trilogy and Chris Nolan's Batman movies. No, I'm not joking. Goyer's script is where the movie really starts to become flawed. Outside of Fury, Vallegra, and Viper, the characters all seem to blend together and become forgettable. Granted, this is most likely due to the movie being a pilot for a TV show, thus necessitating the need to really emphasize the primary characters. But still, you'd think Goyer would have tried to do something to make the supporting characters indistinguishable from one another.

However, he does at least try to overcome this with some particularly good moments, like one funny scene where Fury uses his pistol to handle a troublesome elevator control panel. But these scenes end up becoming fewer and far between as the movie progresses, and unfortunately starts rendering the script kinda dull. The whole thing is really inconsistent, which ultimately brings the movie down.

Last on my list is the cast. David Hasselhoff stars in the lead role, and I think he was only hired due to his name. He'd had something of a career resurgence a few years earlier thanks to the initial popularity of Baywatch, and I guess the producers felt that if they could get him, they'd be set. The problem is that he seems to have decided to do his best impersonation of Kurt Russell's "Snake Plisskin" character for the entire movie. That is, if Snake Plisskin was more prone to make the occasional corny pun or witty quip. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't do a completely horrible job, but "The Hoff" doesn't really seem like he's on his A-game. His whole gruff, macho thing ends up becoming silly after a whole.

And then there's our villain, as played by Sandra Hess. She apparently couldn't get a handle on the German accent she took on for the character. Sometimes it's barely there, and at other times, it's so thick you can practically see it. Even when overlooking the flaws in her accent, Hess's acting is really hammy. The character is written as if it were hearkening back to the goofy spy movie villains of the '60s, and Hess goes out of her way to give a performance to match. She's over the top, but it's unfortunately not in the fun "Frank Gorshin as Riddler" kind of way. Her performance is just "bleh" if you ask me.

Rounding out the hat trick of important characters, Lisa Rinna was okay. I must admit that I almost didn't recognize her, as Botox, collagen injections, and plastic surgery have made her look more than a little bit different between 1998 and now. But looks aside, Rinna's performance isn't bad. She's likable in the role, but the bad part is she's kinda forgettable.

That's really the problem with the entire movie: it's forgettable. I just watched the thing and I don't remember half of what happened. As I said earlier, I doubt a Nick Fury TV show would have lasted very long had it become more than just this movie. It's not as bad as the earlier Marvel movies, but it's not that great either. I think if I was absolutely forced to give it a standard star rating like I usually do, I'd give Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD two stars out of the usual five. It's a rare movie to find, but unless you're an absolutely devoted fan of Nick Fury or Marvel Comics, it's really not worth the effort to find it. 

Final Rating: **

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Everybody knows somebody with a bad temper. And if you're a fan of comic books, or superheroes in general, the first thing the phrase "bad temper" will bring to mind is most likely the Hulk. The destructive alter ego of scientist Bruce Banner, the Hulk was unleashed upon the world by creators Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1962. His comic wasn't exactly a hot seller at first, and was actually cancelled after only six issues.

He made occasional guest appearances in other comics for a while, but by 1964, Marvel Comics had caught wind of the Hulk's popularity with college students and gave him a co-starring role in their Tales to Astonish comic. He gained even more recognition through Tales to Astonish, so much so that Marvel actually changed the name of the book to The Incredible Hulk in 1968.

But it took another ten years after that for the Hulk to become a true household name, which happened when a live-action television series focusing on the character debuted on CBS in 1978. Starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno, the series — bearing the appropriate title of The Incredible Hulk — has remained a cult classic and still defines the character in the eyes of many who don't read comics.

So influential was the television series that when Ang Lee's cinematic adaptation of the character hit theaters in 2003, people were less than enthused. People were expecting either an adventure in the vein of the show, or a straightforward action movie where the Hulk spends the entire movie smashing things. Instead, we got a drama featuring existentialism, poodles on steroids, and incredibly unconvincing CGI. It wasn't necessarily a bad movie, but it was no great shakes, either. It just wasn't the type of Hulk movie that anybody wanted to see.

So when Universal Pictures gave the go-ahead to another Hulk movie, the decision was made to completely reboot the franchise and let Marvel themselves handle the movie's production. The resulting movie drew its inspiration from the TV series, right down to sharing a name. And the truth is that it's a better movie for it.

Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) was once nothing more than a mild-mannered scientist. That all changed when, while working on a top-secret project for the United States military, he suffered an accidental overdose of gamma radiation. Instead of killing him, the exposure to the radiation instead causes him to involuntarily transform a violent green-skinned leviathan called "the Hulk" whenever he loses control of his emotions. Thanks to the wanton destruction created by his Hulk persona, Bruce has spent the last five years as a fugitive.

After spending half a decade hiding from General Thunderbolt Ross (William Hurt) and the Army, Bruce has finally found a little bit of peace. He's gotten a job at a soda bottling plant in Brazil, and with meditation and training in martial arts, he's gone 158 days without becoming the Hulk. He's also spent his time searching for a way to stop himself from ever transforming again, hunting for an antidote with the help of Samuel Sterns (Tim Blake Nelson), a scientist with whom Bruce has been anonymously corresponding online.

But when an accident at the bottling plant results in someone being stricken with gamma radiation poisoning, General Ross follows a trail of clues right to Bruce. He sends in a team of soldiers to capture his quarry, but the ensuing chase provokes an appearance from the Hulk. The Hulk tears through the soldiers and escapes, leaving only team leader Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) behind to tell the tale.

A rattled Bruce flees back to the United States soon thereafter, hoping to find more data regarding his condition and help Sterns's search for a way to suppress his monstrous alter ego. His search leads him back into the life of former flame — and General Ross's estranged daughter — Betty (Liv Tyler). Their happy reunion doesn't last too long, however; Betty's boyfriend Leonard (Ty Burrell), concerned for the safety of both Bruce and Betty, has led her resilient father straight to them.

Though the Army has yet to figure out a way to defeat the Hulk, they've come up with a new plan. Blonsky has volunteered to take controlled doses of a military-developed "super soldier" serum, an experiment that General Ross hopes will enhance him into someone who can stand toe to toe the Hulk. As a reconnected Bruce and Betty try traveling to Sterns's laboratory in New York City, they must evade General Ross's soldiers and an increasingly aggressive Blonsky, who the serum treatments are quickly rendering more monster than man.

The Incredible Hulk might not bear the sophistication of similar movies, but it's nothing short of fun. And I can't speak for anybody else, but in my eyes, being fun can go an awfully long way. It's the complete mirror opposite of Ang Lee's depiction of the Hulk, forsaking much of the angst-filled soul-searching that comprised the previous movie for a greater emphasis on action, adventure, and wanton destruction. And with Bruce Banner's struggles to find a cure, the movie is a spiritual successor to that classic television show, embracing it to the point of nearly being a stylized remake of the show. Borrowing trace elements of both the television show and the previous movie, this new telling of the Hulk's story has a particular aura of familiarity that makes it easy to jump into once things get rolling.

The movie definitely has a more action-oriented tone, which is thanks to director Louis Leterrier. Leterrier is no stranger to action, having directed Unleashed and the first two Transporter movies. And while The Incredible Hulk is a thoroughly different kind of action movie, Leterrier shows he knows how to craft a great action sequence no matter who the participants are. Teaming with cinematographer Peter Menzies, Leterrier has crafted a sleek, stylish movie that never fails to lose the audience's attention. Admittedly, the action scenes are primarily accomplished with CGI (which is drastically improved over the unrealistic, cartoony-looking effects from the previous Hulk movie), but Leterrier still manages to keep a handle on things.

But it's during the non-action scenes where Leterrier and Menzies really get the chance to shine. The movie boasts some very awesome camera setups thanks to Menzies, and Leterrier crafts these scenes in such a way that's quite engrossing. Assisting in that is the fantastic score composed by Craig Armstrong. Armstrong's music does a fine balancing act between Bruce Banner and the Hulk. The music has a sense of urgency and melancholy with Banner, whilst becoming more ferocious with the Hulk. Armstrong even manages to work in the old television show's theme song in a way that totally fits, something that I can say about the music as a whole.

Next on the list is the screenplay. It's credited solely to Zak Penn, but from what I understand, Edward Norton made some significant contributions as well. He doesn't receive an on-screen credit if he did, so maybe there's some kind of union restrictions in place or something like that, I don't know. Regardless, I didn't have any problems with the script whatsoever. Yeah, it's got the obligatory "Hulk Smash!" moments, but ultimately, it's a chase movie. The military is chasing Bruce Banner, and Banner is chasing a way to return to the normal, peaceful life he had before the Hulk.

There's also the fact that, like any good hero/villain combination, Banner and Emil Blonsky are mirror opposites of one another. Banner was stuck in an accident that created the Hulk; Blonsky becomes the Abomination on purpose. Banner wants to completely destroy the monster within him; Blonsky wants as much of that power as he can get. I will admit that they did try to do something similar with the previous Hulk movie, but its utter failure ultimately makes the attempt here look that much better. Granted, the effort here is already pretty darn good. But you know what I mean, right?

Last up to bat is the acting. In the lead role, Edward Norton is quite an improvement over Eric Bana. The characters are interpreted similarly, but with Norton's version taking a more proactive role in trying to quell his alter ego, it means he can put forth a completely different performance than the one we saw in 2003. Norton is very good in the role, playing Bruce as if he is not afraid of the Hulk, yet worries he will never be able to control it.

As with a lot of the movie's other aspects, his performance feels evocative of Bill Bixby's work on the old television show. You really get the sense that Norton's Bruce has lived with his situation long enough that he's resigned himself to the fact that he may never be able to get rid of the Hulk, but still tries to do it anyway. Norton is really convincing, and I really appreciated his efforts.

I also thought that Tim Roth's work was well done. The character is depicted as an aging soldier who wants Hulk's power for himself to circumvent the fact that he's past his prime, and Roth really does a great job in showing Blonsky's growing obsession with the not-so-jolly green giant. He makes you believe he's the character, which is probably the best compliment I can give him.

The rest of the supporting cast also put forth performances that better the movie. Liv Tyler is likable, and she and Norton have a believable chemistry that makes things work. William Hurt was also good in his role, effectively playing General Ross as the stubborn military man he needs to be. Ty Burrell appears in the movie as Leonard Samson, who's stepped in as Betty's boyfriend in Bruce's absence. Though the majority of Burrell's scenes were cut from the movie, he's good when he does show up. But my favorite performance comes from Tim Blake Nelson. He's really funny and energetic, and you can't help but enjoy his enthusiasm.

All in all, The Incredible Hulk is a thoroughly entertaining movie. I've been making comparisons between this movie and other adaptations of the Hulk throughout this entire review. Maybe those comparisons have been fair, maybe they haven't. But even as a stand-alone flick, The Incredible Hulk still holds up as 112 minutes of nonstop fun. My only true complaint is that I'd have saved Robert Downey Jr.'s cameo for a surprise after the end credits, just so the movie proper could have ended with a bigger punch. But that's an incredibly minor nitpick that really isn't enough to change my view of the movie. I enjoyed the movie quite a bit, so I'll definitely give The Incredible Hulk four stars and a big green thumbs up.

Final Rating: ****

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

It's no secret that the principal focus in many mainstream comic books is that eternal struggle between good and evil. But while this war is waged primarily between clearly-defined superheroes and supervillains, there are also those characters that fall in between. They are the antiheroes, those who will go to whatever further lengths they deem necessary in order to accomplish their goals. Some will use fear and intimidation against their foes. Others will lie, cheat, and steal as much as they see fit all in the name of what they believe is the "greater good."

And then there are those who will cross that line that the more traditional heroes won't by killing people if they have to. Characters like Spawn and Wolverine have no problem taking a life, but one character has become synonymous with fatal violence. Whether they be mobsters, drug dealers, gangs, corrupt cops and politicians, rapists, or any other kind of criminal, they'll all eventually meet their maker thanks to the Punisher.

Created by Jerry Conway, Ross Andru, and John Romita Sr. in 1974, the Punisher was born in a time when movies like Magnum Force and Death Wish were depicting justice from the barrel of a vigilante's gun. The Punisher was a hit with fans following his initial appearance as an assassin who had been fooled into targeting Spider-Man, and he has become one of Marvel's most prolific B-list characters. And in 1989, the Punisher became the star of the second feature film to be based on a Marvel Comics property. Starring Dolph Lundgren in the title role, the movie ended up going straight to video in North America and was forgotten relatively quickly.

He got his second chance at Hollywood stardom fifteen years later in the wake of Marvel's surging dominance in the world of comic-based movies, and the movie — starring Thomas Jane in the title role and John Travolta as the villain — was only a modest box office success. It proved to be quite popular when it arrived on DVD, however, prompting Lions Gate Films to approve a sequel. But thanks to troubles during the development phases, Jane chose not to return, and the project passed through multiple writers and directors before it was decided to simply wipe the franchise's slate clean with a reboot. The movie, titled Punisher: War Zone, finally got settled enough to enter production and see its release on December 5, 2008. Unfortunately, the movie ended up being a pretty tremendous flop that was hated by critics and quickly forgotten by moviegoers. That's a shame, because they missed out on one of the most absurdly fun movies to come along in a while.

Six years have passed since Frank Castle (Ray Stevenson) watched his wife and children die at the hands of the mob. During that time, Castle has become "the Punisher," a one-man army waging a violent war against organized crime. When a notorious mobster avoids jail after the shooting of a key witness, Castle decides to crash the party thrown in the mobster's honor. After he brutally kills all of the partygoers, he discovers that a lone survivor, Billy Russoti (Dominic West), managed to escape.

Castle tracks him to a recycling plant, wiping out nearly all of his henchmen before throwing Russoti into a glass-crushing machine. Unfortunately, Castle later learns that one of the henchmen he killed was actually Nicky Donatelli (Romano Orzari), an innocent FBI agent who was working undercover. A devastated Castle considers abandoning his life as the Punisher, swearing to make amends to Nicky's widow Angela (Julie Benz), and daughter Grace (Stephanie Janusauskas).

As it turns out, he may have a way to make up for his mistake. Russoti lived through Castle's attack, left with a hideously mutilated face that leads him to adopt the new alias "Jigsaw." Upon learning that Nicky was a mole, he targets Angela and Grace as he tries to find the money that Nicky had been left in charge of. And knowing that Castle will soon come after him, Jigsaw breaks his psychotic brother Loony Bin Jim (Doug Hutchinson) out of a mental institution to back him up and kidnaps the Donatellis and Castle's weapons supplier, Microchip (Wayne Knight). He then recruits as many punks, thugs, and goons as he can to stand between his hostages and Castle. With the FBI and the local police trying to hunt down both he and Jigsaw, Castle must fight his way through Jigsaw's personal army if he wishes to rescue those innocents who have been put in harm's way. 

Punisher: War Zone is of what has become a rare breed. They simply don't make movies like this anymore. Jason Statham's movies get close, but the days of movies like Cobra and Commando are long gone. Those action movies with unstoppable protagonists and over-the-top villains stopped being trendy when the '80s ended. But Punisher: War Zone has no trouble going back to that style. It embraces it, never once trying to shy away from its nature as a B-movie. It revels in its threadbare plot, its unbelievable characters, its hammy acting, and its over-the-top violence. It's an '80s movie with a 21st-century flair, and in spite of its flaws, it's a fun movie.

At the helm is Lexi Alexander, an Oscar-nominated short film director handling only her second feature-length production here. I'll confess that I've never seen any of her prior work, but her direction here isn't bad at all. The movie has a particular energy to it, only really slowing down when it absolutely has to. She also, thankfully, never goes the trendy route by having the camera bounce around while the editor makes a cut every half a second. That sort of thing gets old quickly, and I'm glad that Alexander never resorts to it.

And thanks to the intimate cinematography from Steve Gainer, the unique use of color and lighting, and the bountiful violence and bloodshed, Alexander is able to make the movie look like Steve Dillon's Punisher artwork leapt right off the pages of the comic books. Not only does the movie look very authentic, but the efforts of Alexander and her crew help to make it feel authentic as well. Even the music composed by Christopher Franke helped to set the tone. Its militaristic sound really supports the idea that the Punisher's crusade against his foes is not just a vendetta, but a full-fledged war.

Next on my list is the screenplay, credited to Nick Santora, Art Marcum, and Matt Holloway. You might think that because two of Iron Man's writers also handled Punisher: War Zone, the two movies might be similar in style. But if you do think that, you would be wrong. The similarities between this movie and that one begin and end with their Marvel Comics roots. All truth be told, there's no real reason to critique the writing in a movie like this, because its all superfluous. Nobody has ever accused the Punisher of being a very deep character, and the script ultimately reflects that. There's no real soul-searching or any reflecting on the nature of vigilantism. This isn't Death Wish or The Brave One. It's all just set pieces for the big action sequences. But is there anything really wrong with that? Not every movie has to have really thoughtful, profound writing or anything like that. What's wrong with having one-dimensional characters shooting each other for an hour and 45 minutes?

Last but not least is the acting. A lot of fans were concerned when it was announced that Thomas Jane was going to be replaced, but Ray Stevenson is great in the role. He totally embodies the character, playing him as a shark that cannot, will not be stopped. Stevenson is good in the parts where he has a dramatic moment of pain or self-doubt, but really, nobody goes to see a Punisher movie for an emo Frank Castle. They go to see him completely obliterate his enemies, and Stevenson is up to task when it comes to that.

The other members of the cast do fine jobs as well, though their roles are pretty much background dressing. Julie Benz and Wayne Knight are likable, while Dash Mihok and Colin Salmon are okay in their roles as a cop and an FBI agent relentlessly hunting the Punisher. Doug Hutchinson is also really good as Jigsaw's insane brother. But it is Dominic West that steals the show. His performance as Jigsaw seems to be inspired by Tommy Lee Jones's work in Batman Forever, playing the role as over the top as he can get. The incredibly silly accent he adopts only adds to the whole thing. You can tell West is having an incredible amount of fun as Jigsaw, and that fun is infectious. He doesn't make for a very intimidating villain, but he's most certainly an entertaining one.

It seems almost serendipitous that Lions Gate Films opened and closed 2008 with ultraviolent action movies featuring Julie Benz in a supporting role. Starting with Rambo and ending with Punisher: War Zone is a heck of a way for a movie studio to bookend a year. Granted, Punisher: War Zone is not perfect But it makes up for that by reveling in its own silliness. Yeah, it's incredibly violent. Yeah, the dialogue is bad at times, nor does it have much of a plot or character development. But the movie doesn't care, and it doesn't expect you to care either. And you know what? I enjoyed it a lot. It's not for everybody, but those who like this sort of thing will eat it up.

Final Rating: ***½

Steel (1997)

The comic book industry is dominated by superheroes, and I believe it goes without saying the most famous of them all is Superman. This heroic visitor from another world essentially created the entire superhero genre following his first appearance in 1938, and has since become one of the most iconic characters in all of popular fiction.

Superman's popularity proved to be so much that the entire world took notice in 1992 when DC Comics began a storyline titled "The Death of Superman." The storyline was met with tremendous financial success and was covered by worldwide media. It was soon followed by two more storylines that followed the aftermath, stretching the event out for much of 1993.

It was the third chapter in this trilogy ("Reign of the Supermen") that introduced us to Steel, an armored superhero who appeared in Metropolis in an attempt to fill the void created by Superman's death. Not very long after the character made his debut, he was picked by Warner Brothers to be adapted into a motion picture. And what a terrible, terrible decision that was.

As the movie begins, we are introduced to John Henry Irons (Shaquille O'Neal), Susan Sparks (Annabeth Gish), and Nathaniel Burke (Judd Nelson), a trio of soldiers who develop advanced weaponry for the military. Their latest creation: a cannon that generates sonic booms to neutralize enemy troops while drastically reducing casualties.

However, a cocky Burke cranks the cannon's power up to eleven during a test and inadvertently causes all kinds of damage. A senator visiting the test facility is killed, and Sparks is rendered a paraplegic. The incident leads to Burke being dishonorably discharged and Irons quitting the Army.

Irons returns to his family in Los Angeles, where he quickly picks up a job working in a junkyard owned by his uncle Joe (Richard Roundtree). He isn't back in town for long before he notices local punks packing weapons that are way too advanced for simple street gangs to have. It turns out Burke has been selling the military technology they developed on the black market, and they've found their way into the hands of the neighborhood's resident gangsters.

To combat the rising crime rate, Irons, Sparks, and Joe develop their own weapons to counteract the ones on the street. They forge a high-tech suit of armor and a customized sledgehammer, and adopting the name "Steel," Irons becomes a vigilante dedicated to cleaning up Los Angeles and getting Burke's weapons off the streets.

Do you remember Iron Man? Do you remember how awesome it was? Now imagine the complete and total opposite of that. If you can, you'll probably end up with Steel. The movie is just plain terrible from start to finish. The direction is bad, the writing is bad, the acting is bad, the music is bad, the special effects are bad, the costumes are bad, the set design is bad, the props are bad, everything is... well, bad.

The story goes that Steel was originally approved with the intention of making it a spinoff to a proposed movie based on "The Death of Superman." That movie ended up going nowhere and was ultimately cancelled, but Warner Brothers opted to just drop the Superman connection altogether and make Steel anyway. The only remaining connection whatsoever between this movie and the Superman mythos is that Shaquille O'Neal has Superman's logo tattooed on his arm.

But I hope the guy that made the call to produce Steel got fired, because the movie sucks out loud. And seriously, who had the wild idea to make a movie about Steel anyway? The truth is that he's a D-list character that I'm pretty certain has absolutely no name recognition nowadays, if he ever had any to begin with. But enough about that, let's get into just what makes this movie so awful.

The visionary genius behind Steel was writer/director Kenneth Johnson, known for his work such classic pieces of television as The Incredible Hulk, The Six Million Dollar Man, and the original versions of V and The Bionic Woman. He's also done an unbelievably exorbitant amount of made-for-TV movies. But when it comes to making theatrically released flicks, he doesn't exactly have a successful track record. The only things he's ever had released in theaters were Steel and Short Circuit 2, along with his "story by" writing credit on the third Mighty Ducks movie. And while Short Circuit 2 had its moments, Johnson should probably just stick to television.

See, my problem with Steel is just how generic it feels. I know that you can only stretch a budget of 16 million bucks so far in a movie like this, but who would have thought a theatrically-released movie from a huge studio like Warner Brothers would look so cheap? The Steel costume looks like a lame Halloween costume, and the other special effects look just plain awful. Johnson's direction doesn't do the movie any favors, either. He completely fails at setting any sort of tone beyond that of a cheesy comedy, which isn't the kind of movie you'd think this would be.

The way Johnson and cinematographer Mark Irvin film it, you'd think it was made specifically to run on a second-rate cable network instead of in theaters during the summer blockbuster season. It doesn't help anything that the score composed by Mervyn Warren is uninspired, too. Warren's music fails to stand out or set any kind of mood, and ultimately sounds as generic as the movie looks.

And then there's Johnson's writing, which is ludicrous at best. For starters, the plot is just plain weird. While the character of Steel has always struck me as a lame attempt to duplicate Iron Man, the movie's plot really feels like it's shamelessly ripping off Blankman. Both movies are about a likable African-American inventor who becomes a superhero in order to defend his neighborhood from gangs influenced by his primary nemesis. If I were Damon Wayans, I'd be pissed that Steel came along and totally cribbed ideas from my movie.

But the oddities don't end there. Why would the movie's villain, who has access to super-advanced military weapons, sell these weapons to street gangs on the black market? Wouldn't he make more money by selling them to terrorist factions or foreign dictators? Or why not sell them to guys like Lex Luthor? This is a movie based on one of Superman's supporting characters, after all. He could even have taken these weapons and turned himself into Steel's evil doppelganger (and thus trumped the Iron Man movie at least a decade). But that isn't even the craziest part of the script.

The craziest part comes in a scene where Irons visits Sparks in the hospital. Sparks is severely depressed about being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, and Irons tries giving her a pep talk to lift her spirits. The pep talk is unsuccessful, so Irons just picks her up — wheelchair and all — and carries her out of the hospital to the applause of every bystander in the area. I guess it's okay to do that to handicapped people, as long as they're wallowing in self-pity and making everybody else as sad as they are.

But really, the script has practically organized a cornucopia of goofiness. It's bad enough that Johnson's script includes self-aware references to Shaq's trouble hitting free throws and Richard Roundtree's starring role in Shaft. These bits are enough to pull you out of the movie. But then they had to go and add a wheelchair armed with laser cannons and rocket boosters. That last sentence was not a joke or an exaggeration. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I mean, I'm totally cool with the idea of creating an empowered handicapped character. But here, the effort comes across as silly.

I guess I'll just continue onward toward the acting. Back in the mid-1990s, Shaquille O'Neal was rivaling Michael Jordan for status as the most popular player in the NBA. But while Shaq was enjoying success on the basketball court, his extracurricular activities made people wonder if he was a wee bit crazy. There were his four rap albums released between 1993 and 1998. Then there was the notorious Shaq Fu, a video game so awful that there's actually a website out there dedicated to destroying as many copies of the game as possible.

And then along came his acting career. He generally gets a pass for Blue Chips, and I won't argue with that. But after the absolute disaster that was Kazaam, what idiot thought it was a good idea to cast Shaq in another movie? Were there no other tall black men willing to play the part? Or was Warner Brothers hoping that people had forgotten about Kazaam and chose to pull a bit of ill-advised stunt casting?

I will give Shaq credit for being charismatic and for actually trying. But the truth is that he's just not a very good actor. It's as simple as that. He delivers his lines in a wooden monotone, and you get the feeling that he's figured out he's made a tremendous mistake by agreeing to be in this movie. Sometimes you can just look at Shaq's face during the movie and see him realizing that if Kazaam killed his chances at a legitimate acting career, then Steel is just shoveling dirt into the grave. And it's only exacerbated by the fact that he's credited as an executive producer, too. Either he was banking on the movie being a huge success, or he figured he'd just go down with the sinking ship.

Playing our villain is Judd Nelson, whose appearance here only evidences why his career went completely down the crapper after the '80s ended. Nelson's performance is just so incredibly bad that it's impossible to believe that he's supposed to be a credible villain. There's simply no way whatsoever to take him seriously. It's practically the equivalent of an Uwe Boll movie becoming an actual person and getting cast to play the antagonist in a cheesy superhero movie.

The rest of the cast, though, do what they can. Despite her role being so poorly written, Annabeth Gish still manages to approach the role with a certain level of sincerity that I appreciated. And I also enjoyed Richard Roundtree's work. I got the feeling that he was in on the joke (meaning he knew just how bad this movie would be), and he decided to cut loose and have fun. Through all the hackneyed jokes, he still manages to be entertaining. There's also a spirited performance from Irma Hall in her small, thankless role as Steel's grandmother.

But then there's also Ray J, one of the movie's weakest parts. If you've never heard of him, that's okay. His only claims to fame are that he's Brandy Norwood's less-famous, less-talented brother, and that he was in a sex tape with Kim Kardashian. He plays Steel's little brother, and is stuck in an ultimately pointless subplot. Ray J's acting isn't really good, either. His character is pretty useless, and a combination of that and his performance ultimately renders Ray J's scenes pointless too.

I watched Steel on YouTube in order to write this review, which is helpful since I wanted to spend as little money as I could on it. If I'd had to actually buy or rent a copy of it, I'd have been better off using my money as toilet paper before setting it on fire. And in doing my usual research for this review, I discovered that the people in charge of scheduling release dates at Warner Bro. in 1997 must have been on some serious dope. It turns out that Steel hit theaters a mere two months after another disastrous DC Comics adaptation, Batman & Robin. That's like releasing two Uwe Boll movies in the same summer. I'm surprised putting so much suckage so close to each other didn't create some kind of rift in the space-time continuum.

But as harsh as this review has been, and as atrocious as Steel is, I couldn't help but be at least a little amused by how absurd the movie is. And I'm pretty sure kids between the ages of seven and twelve, or people unable to tell the difference between good movies and bad movies, might enjoy it. But unfortunately, I can't say that Steel is anything other than a big ol' giant turd. I'm sure it could have been a decent enough movie, had it not sucked so badly.

Final Rating: *½

Howard the Duck (1986)

I don't believe I would be exaggerating if I said that the comic book industry is dominated by superheroes. But as I've noted in some of my other reviews, other non-superhero comic book characters have managed to gain a little notoriety for themselves. Characters like Dick Tracy and Archie Andrews's gang of friends have all managed to make their own marks on pop culture over the years.

Another such character is the one and only Howard the Duck. Created by writer Steve Gerber and artist Val Mayerik, Howard made his first appearance in 1973 as a secondary character in Man-Thing's regular comic. He graduated to his own short-lived series in 1976, and the character's irreverent charm and unconventional style led to a cult following, along with — of all things — a failed run for the United States President's office under the banner of the All-Night Party.

But for all his comic standing was worth, what finally made Howard a true household name was his own feature film. With Universal Pictures serving as distributors and Lucasfilm Limited handling production, Howard the Duck hit theaters on August 1, 1986, earning it status as the very first Marvel Comics adaptation to receive a wide theatrical release. But more importantly, it turns out that Howard the Duck would be a tremendous failure at the box office and would develop a reputation as one of the most famous bad movies of all time.

As our story begins, we're introduced to Howard T. Duck (the voice of Chip Zien), a washed-up musician from a far-away planet where anthropomorphic ducks are the dominant species. As Howard comes home after a long day, something yanks him out of his apartment and hurls him across the cosmos. Howard lands in a sleazy back alley in Cleveland, where, despite the initial comedy of errors caused by his strange new surroundings, he ends up saving punk rock singer Beverly Switzler (Lea Thompson) from a pair of muggers. A grateful Beverly strikes up a friendship with the strange visitor from another world, inviting him to stay at her apartment until his situation can be dealt with.

The next day, Howard and Beverly begin searching for a way to return Howard back to his home planet. Their search leads them to Phil Blumburtt (Tim Robbins), a goofball working in a local laboratory. I really don't see how Phil is going to be of any assistance, since he immediately tries to see if Howard has superpowers and he thinks making quacking noises will be an effective means of communication despite the fact that Howard can speak perfect English. I'm just saying, the guy is kind of a spaz. And as it turns out, he's barely a step above the janitors on the lab's pecking order, so he probably won't be of much help anyway. But then he ends up being useful after all, matching one of Howard's feathers to one found at the laboratory of Dr. Walter Jenning (Jeffrey Jones).

Dr. Jenning and his staff had been performing some supposedly routine experiments involving the firing of a high-tech laser beam into deep space. But due to a malfunction in the laser, it ended up hitting Howard's planet and it sucked him to Earth. Howard theorizes that setting the laser to operate in reverse could send him home, but another malfunction occurs before they can test that theory. The second malfunction pulls down an entity known as the "Dark Overlord of the Universe," a beast from a distant region of space populated by demons. The Dark Overlord takes control over of Dr. Jenning, vowing to bring more of its kind to Earth and raise all kinds of hell. And as you would assume, it's up to Howard to stop the Dark Overlord and save the planet before it's too late.

George Lucas was on top of the world during the first half of the '80s. Coming off Star Wars and American Graffiti the decade prior, the success off the Star Wars sequels and the first two Indiana Jones movies made it look as if Lucas really did have the Midas touch. But then along came Howard the Duck, a movie that was met with such negativity that he supposedly disowned it. It was more than ten years after the advent of DVD before Howard the Duck got a release on the format in the United States, and I'm actually surprised that Lucas didn't try to make sure it stayed locked up in the Universal vaults for the rest of eternity. It's one of those movies that the uninitiated can watch and say to themselves, "This is goofy and kinda dumb, but it's not so bad after all." But then once they've had a little time to let the whole thing sink in, they suddenly realize, "Holy crap, what did I watch?"

Over the more than two decades since the movie's release, Lucas has been forced to shoulder a lot of the blame for this movie. And really, I don't think that's fair. He was just the movie's executive producer. All Lucas did was front the money; it was up to other people to spend it. If I had to point the finger of blame at anyone in particular, it would probably be at the husband/wife filmmaking team of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz. The whole thing is just a mess. From Huyck's muddled, hackneyed direction to his and Katz's dreadful script, they honestly could not have believed that this movie would have been successful. It honestly feels like Huyck and Katz had no idea what kind of movie they wanted to make.

The actual plot doesn't kick in until halfway through the movie, and even then, there's all this other stuff that just goes on way too damn long. Did we really need the scene where Howard beats up Beverly's band's manager and his buddies? Did the scene where Howard and Phil steal an ultralight aircraft and get chased by the police absolutely need to take up so much time? That's not even the worst of it, because there's other, worse parts that really make you wonder what audience this movie was intended for. The concept of an alien duck stranded on Earth, the fantasy elements, all the really bad duck puns, and some of the sillier moments might lend themselves to a movie made for children. It's even rated PG, too. But then there's the scene where a half-naked Beverly starts putting the moves on Howard. And before that, there's the scene where Howard gets a job as a towel boy at a bathhouse. And it's all topped off with the female duck's exposed breasts in the first five minutes. No, I am not making any of that up. Go watch the movie if you don't believe me, I dare you.

How did they manage to get attempted bestiality, a bathhouse, and a female duck with exposed human-like breasts by with only a PG rating? Did somebody slip the MPAA ratings board a little money under the table to avoid a harsher rating? And how do you justify trying to balance all that adult stuff with the more kid-friendly stuff? It's these grossly mishandled shifts in tone that only makes the movie even more frustrating to watch.

One of the oddest things about the movie, though, is how the characters interact with Howard. Only Tim Robbins's character seems really blown away by the fact that he's in the presence of a talking duck from another world. Beverly quickly finds herself falling in love with Howard, while others react with either sheer terror or outright hostility. But pretty much everyone who doesn't act with fear or anger treats him like he's just a regular guy in a goofy costume. And you could kinda understand everyone else's sentiment too. Yeah, the Howard costume was pretty good by 1986 standards. They supposedly spent two million dollars developing it, which is a number that blows me away even now, in today's world of super-high effects budgets. But nowadays, it isn't 100% convincing.

I mean, it's hard to suspend your disbelief when your main character has trouble making you believe he isn't really a gaggle of midgets wearing an animatronic duck mask. Although we can see that Howard is actually there on the set interacting with everyone, he still never feels quite real. It feels less like it's Howard the Duck there, and more like it's somebody wearing the world's coolest Howard the Duck costume. That's really all that can be said about it. The same can be said for the stop motion effects during Howard's climactic battle with the Dark Overlord at the end. The effects aren't perfect, but they're not totally awful either.

Last up is our cast, who I'm pretty sure all dread the fact that they're forever connected to this movie. Our leading lady, Lea Thompson, was on a real hot streak after her appearances in Red Dawn and Back to the Future. But if you want to know exactly when her career crashed and burned, you can look to 1986. Even before Howard the Duck, there was SpaceCamp, a movie inspired by the U.S. Space Camp in Alabama. The movie wasn't all that successful, due in part to it being unfortunately released only six months after the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.

But SpaceCamp's lack of success was only compounded by Howard the Duck. This movie alone pretty much killed her career dead for a decade. In the nine years between Howard the Duck and Thompson landing the lead role on Caroline in the City, the only notable things she did were the Back to the Future sequels. That is, unless you want to extol the virtues of her roles in the early-'90s triple-threat of the movie versions of Dennis the Menace, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Little Rascals.

The coma her career went into aside, Thompson is... okay. She's not bad, she's not good. She's just adequate. And that's terrible, because being adequate doesn't really give me a whole lot to work with when writing these reviews. I'll give Thompson credit for doing her own vocals for her character's band's songs, and the fact that she managed to maintain a straight face while strutting around in her underwear as she seduces a talking duck is amazing. I'm pretty sure that trying to hang onto any tiny shred of dignity while wearing a hideous hairstyle and clothes that Cyndi Lauper would have thrown away must have been be hard work, too. But other than that, she's rather unremarkable.

Tim Robbins is in this movie too, and it nearly killed his career before it even got started. I'm actually surprised he even got any work at all after this, let alone an Academy Award. The long and short of it is that he basically acts like an insufferable jackass for the entire movie. Seriously, every time he shows up, he does something stupid and it makes me want to jump into the movie and put him in a chokehold. Robbins is that awful. But it's not like the script does him any favors. I mean, he's required to make something resembling quacking noises for no reason other than the writers thought it would be funny. But it isn't funny, and it makes Robbins look stupid. I'm willing to bet that thanks to this movie, his career would have been dead in the water had he not been hired for Bull Durham.

And then there's Chip Zien, the voice of Howard. Zien's work would have been serviceable had it not been for all the terrible jokes and puns and utter nonsense. But thanks to the bad writing, it just makes him a pain to listen to. And if you don't want to even listen to a movie, somebody's doing something wrong.

At least we get a decent performance out of Jeffrey Jones. Jones is one of the very, very few bright spots in this movie. Though considering this is Howard the Duck we're talking about, "good" should probably equate to "less bad." But in all honesty, Jones takes the opportunity to go completely insane as his character becomes inhabited by the Dark Overlord of the Universe. He doesn't just chew the scenery; he puts it between two pieces of bread and eats it like a sandwich. His outrageous overacting is just too much fun. Although in a movie this stupid, any fun is better than no fun. Am I right?

Though many great movies came out in 1980s, there were also a whole lot of stinkers too. But very few of those bad movies have maintained both the cult following and the level of vitriol that have followed Howard the Duck since its release. It's one of those movies that's both hated and beloved for the exact same reasons. And even though it's a terrible, terrible movie, it's still charming in a "so bad, it's good" kind of way.

Unfortunately, there's actually precious little in this movie that is legitimately good. We've got Jeffrey Jones's overacting, a scene with a half-naked Lea Thompson, and some good music. No kidding, the movie's music is actually pretty rockin'. From John Barry's score to the songs written by Thomas Dolby (many of which, as I noted earlier, feature Thompson's real vocals), the music is one of the few things about the movie that could be called a redeeming factor.

It still, however, doesn't change the fact that Howard the Duck is really bad. It's not quite Superman IV bad or Catwoman bad, and it thankfully isn't Uwe Boll bad. It's just one of those movies where its ambition is weighed down by too many bad ideas. I can't justify giving Howard the Duck anything more than one and a half stars. It can be fun if it catches you in the right mood, but still... meh. I know Marvel has chosen to give the Punisher, Captain America, and the Fantastic Four new starts after their initially disastrous cinematic outings, but I think a Howard the Duck film franchise should stay dead. 

Final Rating: *½