Hobgoblins (1988)

One of my favorite movies during my youth was Gremlins. I didn't get to see it until the first part of the '90s, which means I was lucky to have missed the period when filmmakers were cranking out Gremlins knockoffs. I can forgive Critters and Ghoulies, because they supposedly started development before Gremlins went into production. But then there are still other, lesser-known knockoffs. They're all rather obscure and will more than likely stay that way. I mean, have you ever heard of the movie Munchies? No, you probably haven't.

I'll confess that I haven't seen most of the movies that have been accused of trying to cash in on the success of Gremlins. I've actually seen only one, and it was more than enough. I envy those of you who have not seen the movie to which I am referring, because you have yet to experience the pure horror that each frame contains. It is a movie so utterly dreadful, so abysmally bad that its mere existence seems almost as if it were the result of a cruel joke played by the gods of cinema. There are bad movies, there are terrible movies... and then there's Hobgoblins.

As the movie begins, we're introduced to a wimpy young man named Kevin (Tom Bartlett), who has just started a new job as a night watchman at an old movie studio. The only thing really asked of him by his boss, the elderly Mr. McCreedy (Jeffrey Culver), is that he absolutely avoid one particular vault at all costs.

But the thing about Hobgoblins is that the characters are all complete morons. While chasing a burglar through the studio, Kevin opens the vault to search for him. This was probably the worst decision he could have made, as opening the vault releases a group of malicious creatures.

Called "hobgoblins" by Mr. McCreedy, the creatures are aliens that he'd kept trapped inside the vault for the past thirty years. I have no idea how he managed to succeed in doing so, considering that every time we see the vault door, it's unlocked and free for anyone to open. But anyway, letting them out is a pretty big deal, as they have the ability to make a person experience their greatest fantasy before ultimately killing them.

Kevin starts hunting for the hobgoblins, and finds that they've gone after his friends: Amy (Paige Sullivan), his uptight, prudish girlfriend; phone sex addict Kyle (Steven Boggs); the ultra-slutty Daphne (Kelley Palmer); and Daphne's soldier boyfriend, Nick (Billy Frank). With the hobgoblins on the loose, it is up to this quintet of losers to save the day.

Hobgoblins is one of those movies that nobody would have known existed if it hadn't been for Mystery Science Theater 3000. But when the MST3K crew mocked it on their show in 1998, the movie was exposed to an audience who could see it for what it is: one of the most terrible movies ever made. It is a complete and utter failure on every level. Everything about it is pathetic.

This sad pile of crap was written, produced, and directed by Rick Sloane, so if seeing Hobgoblins has caused you any deep psychological trauma, he's the guy to blame. In watching Hobgoblins, it was readily apparent to me that Sloane had no idea how to make a movie that didn't suck. His direction is lackluster to the point of feeling amateurish, with nothing that would build tension or be visually appealing. The whole thing is just one big chore to watch.

His writing is even worse than his direction. The dialogue is awful, the plot is full of holes (among the other goofs and bloopers within the movie), and the characters are the most unlikable group of nitwits I've ever seen. It's like Sloane decided to make a movie where every character was Dropo from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. You just want to jump into the movie and strangle them all. It's so tiresome, so tedious watching them that I'm afraid that it might have broken something in my brain.

But there are two things that make Hobgoblins truly wretched. One is the hobgoblins themselves. Designed by Kenneth J. Hall, the hobgoblins are cheap hand puppets. Very ugly cheap hand puppets, at that. They don't even try to hide it, either, with the lower half of their bodies usually obscured in some way. If you ever watch Hobgoblins, you will laugh at how lame and unconvincing they are.

The other big thing I have against the movie is its unbelievably atrocious cast. I don't believe there is even a mediocre performance among anyone in front of the camera. (I hesitate to call them "actors.") And I don't even think there's any reason to break them down individually like I normally do, because they're all equally terrible. If their characters are annoying and unlikable, their performances are even worse. Watching these people do what they're doing is infuriating because of how unapologetically bad they are.

I will admit that this hasn't been one of my better reviews. If you're reading this and think it feels kinda rushed, it's probably because I want to hurry up and be done with the relentless torture that is Hobgoblins. It is a movie that I must warn you to avoid at all costs. Do not watch it under any circumstances, unless you're lucky enough to have acquired a copy of its MST3K episode. Otherwise, I implore you to never watch this movie. Hobgoblins just may be the destroyer of worlds.

Final Rating: *