I've been writing these reviews for the better part of a decade. And in that time, I've seen quite a few bad movies. Some of them I went into with high hopes, only to be disappointed. Others I knew were bad from the outset, but I sat through them because I wanted to test my endurance. But of all the bad movies that have been reviewed since I began this blog, few have left me as puzzled as Twilight.
In spite of what the "Twi-hards" will try to tell you, Twilight is a truly awful movie. Everything about it seems purposely designed to torture non-fans. I could barely even watch it long enough to make fun of it. But the fans came out in droves to see it, so I shouldn't have been surprised when Summit Entertainment began production on New Moon, a sequel based on the second book in Stephenie Meyer's series of novels. And let me tell you, it's every bit as bad as its predecessor.
As the movie begins, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has just turned 18, but this doesn't exactly fill our plucky heroine with glee. Her birthday only reinforces her fear of growing old while her vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), will remain a teenager for eternity. But while she doesn't want to celebrate, Edward and his adoptive family throw her a party anyway.
The party ends up having been a really bad idea. When Bella gets a paper cut while unwrapping a gift, the scent of her blood causes Edward's brother to lose all self-control and attack her. Afraid that being around his family will put her in further danger, Edward dumps Bella, and the Cullens leave town permanently.
With her beloved Edward gone, Bella falls into a deep depression for several months. She eventually tries coming out of it by reconnecting with her friends, but finds that by engaging in increasingly risky behavior, she can evoke images of Edward in her mind.
Bella also manages to find comfort in her blossoming relationship with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). She soon discovers, however, that he is a werewolf, the age-old enemy of vampires. And wouldn't you know it, Jacob's also a member of the Quileutes, a pack of werewolves who have long held a tenuous peace with the Cullens despite their rivalry.
The Quileutes have also sworn to protect Bella from a vampire that wishes to harm her, but problems far worse than that quickly arise. When a series of miscommunications leads him to erroneously believe that Bella has committed suicide, a distraught Edward chooses to provoke the Volturi, an ancient vampire coven, into killing him. Bella rushes to Italy to stop him, but is faced with an impossible choice that could result in either a war between the Cullens and the Quileutes or her own death.
I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't see the appeal of the Twilight movies. The first one was bad enough, but New Moon is so dull that I cannot understand why the army of tween girls that adore this franchise so much can be so enthralled with such a bad movie. Are they so happy to see their favorite books turned into movies that they'll accept any crap that Summit Entertainment squeezes out?
The honest truth is that New Moon is just as bad as the first movie, and I have no idea why I watched it other than that I'm a total idiot. I'd have to be an idiot to keep subjecting myself to movies I know I won't like. Why else would I do so? But yeah, New Moon is bad.While Chris Waltz's direction is serviceable (and far better than the movie deserves), every other part of the movie is either laughable or cringe-inducing. The emo pop-punk soundtrack is annoying, the writing is atrocious, and the acting is so banal that it practically goes beyond words.
Let's get onto the writing for a second. I'm going to have to assume that screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg (and by extension, Twilight creator Stephenie Meyer) just doesn't care at all. The entire idea of the movie, the whole premise, could have been done in such a way that a good story resulted from it. But that's not what we get. Instead, we get some mentally disturbed child who is so obsessed with her boyfriend that when he becomes a non-factor, her co-dependency drives her to madness. This has been analyzed by reviewers far more talented than I, so maybe I'm just rehashing other people's points. But the whole concept of New Moon, and especially the character of Bella Swan, is so offensive to my particular sensibilities that I really wish Rosenberg and Meyer had more talent than what they do.
And I can say the same thing about the cast. I'd like a more talented cast, but the Twilight franchise is stuck with these goons until the last book gets adapted. The odd thing is, though, that all but the three main characters are so inconsequential that they might as well have just been extras in the background.
Robert Pattinson's performance as the sparkly-skinned vampire Edward Cullen is an improvement over what it was in the first movie, but he still felt really bland. He's so boring and uninteresting that I honestly cannot fathom why girls are so in love with Pattinson, an actor who apparently has the polar opposite of charisma. Taylor Lautner fares better, however. Lautner isn't great or anything, and the only thing really demanded of him is that he stand around with no shirt on. But he's obviously trying not to suck, which is a breath of fresh air compared to the rest of the cast. The worst of the cast, though, is once again Kristen Stewart. She is terrible, doing nothing but look lost, stammering like she'd forgotten her lines. Stewart is awful to the point that I cannot believe anyone in the audience would be able to connect with her.
But it doesn't help that Stewart is playing one of the worst characters ever created. Bella Swan is a selfish, shallow bitch with borderline sociopathic tendencies and no regard for the feelings of anyone who cares about her. Why do people like this character so much? Why?! Can someone answer me? Yeah, everyone reading this was devastated the first time they got dumped. But you know what? I'm pretty sure we all eventually got over it and moved on, as opposed to Bella, whose self-serving obsession with Edward and apparent inability to be a functional member of society make her thoroughly irredeemable.
Now I know what you're saying: "Matt, why even watch the movie at all if all you're gonna do is bash it?" That's the thing. I actually went into New Moon hoping that it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, I didn't like the first Twilight movie, but maybe the second one would have been different. But no, all those hopes were dashed away when it proved itself to be nothing but junk. Outside of the most hardcore of "Twi-hards," you probably should avoid New Moon. It's not for regular people, just the fans. Those poor, pitiful fans.
Final Rating: **
No comments:
Post a Comment