No Holds Barred (1989)

Of all the different forms of entertainment out there, one of the most bizarre is professional wrestling. What began decades ago as a way for carnival workers to scam unsuspecting people out of money has become outlandish characters staging choreographed fights in front of a paying audience. And despite the negative stigma that being a fan carries, I'll confess that I do watch pro wrestling.

I got into pro wrestling in 1993, as the industry was rapidly cooling off following one of the hottest periods in the business's history. Beginning with the World Wrestling Federation's partnership with MTV in 1984, a partnership that sparked what's come to be known as the "Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection," the '80s saw the the WWF (the industry as a whole) rise to heights that had never been achieved previously. The success of pro wrestling during the decade helped popularize sporting events — both legitimate and otherwise — on pay-per-view, and led to action figures, video games, the WWF getting prime time coverage on NBC, a Saturday morning cartoon, and wrestlers appearing on Saturday Night Live and on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

It was this unparalleled popularity that led WWF chairman Vince McMahon to try his hand at the world of making movies. If people like to see wrestling on television, they'd go see a movie about it, right? That's what McMahon thought, so it's what he gave us the movie No Holds Barred. Starring Hulk Hogan, the WWF's biggest star at the time and arguably the most famous American pro wrestler ever, the movie hit theaters in the summer of 1989 and helped build evidence for the case that McMahon should stick to the wrestling business.

No Holds Barred tells the story of Rip (Hogan), a wrestler who is so immensely popular that he has made the network that airs his matches the top dog in the ratings. That doesn't sit too well with Tom Brell (Kurt Fuller), the head of the World Television Network. Sick and tired of his network being in last place, he offers Rip a contract to wrestle exclusively on WTN. Rip refuses to leave his current employers and Brell refuses to take no for an answer. His network is going to ride the pro wrestling wave to the top of the ratings, by hook or by crook.

After stumbling across the No Count Bar, an extraordinarily rowdy saloon, Brell gets the idea to create his own wrestling show, one that focuses on violence as a stark parallel to the family-friendly wrestling show Rip appears on. This new wrestling show, brilliantly titled The Battle of the Tough Guys, soon becomes a hit thanks to a brutal, seemingly unstoppable fighter named Zeus (Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr.).

Though Rip initially ignores the challenges issued by Brell and Zeus, he is unable to any longer when Zeus beats Rip's brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino) so badly that he's left in a wheelchair. Rip agrees to battle Zeus on a special episode of Brell's show, but will he be able to defeat his foe and defend his brother's honor? Well, yeah, of course he will. Duh.

Anyone who has seen No Holds Barred over the last twenty years will be able to back up my belief that it's nothing more than a cheap vanity project, a vehicle built for no reason beyond promoting Hulk Hogan. And it wasn't a very good one, at that. If it was supposed to kick-start Hogan's acting career, then it only led to movies like Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny. And if it was meant to help promote pro wrestling, then that makes no sense. The only people who would actually sit down and watch this movie, even back in 1989, would be people who already watched wrestling in the first place. I can't imagine non-fans seeing commercials for No Holds Barred and getting excited to see it.

At the helm is Thomas J. Wright, who has spent pretty much his entire career as a television director. No Holds Barred is one of his very rare forays into making feature films, and I wish I could say he made the best of it. But alas, he doesn't. His direction makes the movie feel generic and uninspired. It's like Wright wasn't even trying. I know that there was no reason to go all out and make something flashy, especially considering how awful the script and the acting are. But couldn't Wright have at least put forth some sort of real effort?

Like I said, though, I can almost understand why Wright might not have really cared. It's kinda hard to make a good movie when you don't have much to work with. Let's take the script, for example. It was written by Dennis Hackin, who has done absolutely nothing of note before or since. And judging by No Holds Barred, maybe his tiny résumé is a good thing.

The problem with Hackin's script is that it's so unbelievably stupid that it hurts my brain. There's the abysmal jokes (Rip literally scares one of Brell's goons so badly that said goon poops his pants), the awful dialogue (Brell's repeated use of "jock-ass" as an insult), and the utterly silly plot that leads to an even sillier climax. We're expected to believe that instead of pressing criminal charges or filing a lawsuit after Zeus renders his brother a quadriplegic, the only way Rip can get satisfaction is via a wrestling match? That's bullcrap. (Then again, I've seen that same result play out in actual pro wrestling storylines too.)

But those aren't the only stupid elements of the script, oh no. Let's use the villain as an example. Not only is Brell a horribly written character, but anyone who knows anything about the wrestling business will recognize him as a really bad parody of media mogul Ted Turner. Turner had purchased the WWF's main rival at the end of 1988, and I guess Vince McMahon couldn't wait to take a shot at him. I'm surprised that McMahon didn't tell Hackin to include a reference to Brell owning a baseball team in Atlanta too.

I mean, I understand the movie needed a villain, but couldn't they have used just Zeus by himself? Tiny Lister will never be accused of being a good actor, but as far as wrestling movies go, Zeus would have been a far more compelling bad guy than a parody of Ted Turner. It just makes the movie come across as if it is unsure whether or not it wants to "break kayfabe," if I may use some wrestling jargon.

But enough of all that, however; let's move on to the cast. If The Wizard was a feature-length commercial for Nintendo, then No Holds Barred is a feature-length commercial for Hulk Hogan. I mean, if you actually watch the movie, you won't see Hogan playing a character. Instead, what you will see is Hogan doing his typical wrestling shtick. But then, considering the plot of the movie, I'm surprised they didn't just go ahead and list "Hulk Hogan as himself" in the cast roll call in the credits.

And really, did anyone at the WWF at the time think Hogan starring in a movie was the best way to promote their champion? I ask that because he's a legitimately terrible actor. Any time he is required to show any sort of emotion or pathos or actually, y'know, act, he sucks on toast. I won't try to be nice about it or try shying away from it, because you just can't polish a turd. He's honestly one of the worst actors I've ever talked about on this blog. There is nothing good about his performance at all. Nothing. And the fact that Hogan has not only been in more movies, but was actually the star of some of them, makes me a little sad inside.

The rest of the cast doesn't fare too better either. Joan Severance — who plays a corporate spy hired by Brell to seduce Rip — is boring and forgettable, while Mark Pellegrino is... well, he's pretty boring too. He doesn't bring anything at all to the movie, especially not talent. And in the role of the villainous Brell, Kurt Fuller chews the scenery so much that he leaves teeth marks. His overacting wears itself out, though, leaving me wishing that Fuller and his character would just go away. The only actor who doesn't totally suck here is, oddly enough, Tiny Lister. He's not a very good actor either, but all he has to do here is stand there and look like a beast. And boy, he can do that like a champ.

If you ever want a reason why people think pro wrestling is stupid, track down a copy of No Holds Barred. It is an unmitigated failure on every single possible level, which is compounded by the fact that the last two decades have not been kind to it at all. It's aged so unbelievably badly that as each second passes, the movie becomes more and more tiresome to watch. Someone must have realized that, because No Holds Barred has yet to receive an official DVD release. You'll only ever be able to see it if you download it online or track down a VHS copy of it somewhere. I guess Vince McMahon has lumped it it with the World Bodybuilding Federation and the XFL in his list of failures that he wants to pretend never happened to begin with. And really, I wish I could pretend I'd never seen it too.

Final Rating: *½