And to be totally honest with you, I didn't even know this Mayan doomsday prophesy stuff even existed until the release of the appropriately-titled movie 2012. The movie hit theaters near the end of 2009 and (as far as I can tell, anyway) introduced the mainstream masses to the idea that the end of the world was foreseen by the Mayan calendar. And while I'm fairly certain that that idea is a great big pile of crap, I'm still unsure of how I feel about 2012.
The movie begins in 2009, as American geologist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) discovers that, due to freak conditions caused by a massive solar flare, Earth's core is superheating. And as a result, the planet will be devastated by an insane amount of natural disasters sooner rather than later. Helmsley rushes this information to the White House, information that President Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover) shares in secret with other countries so that a contingency plan can be constructed.
We then flash-forward to the year 2012, where we're introduced to Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a failed sci-fi novelist who's stuck driving limousines for a living. While on a camping trip with his kids (Liam James and Morgan Lily) at Yellowstone National Park, Jackson accidentally stumbles onto a cordoned-off site being used by Helmsley and a number of military scientists for a geological survey. He's soon pulled aside by Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), an eccentric crackpot who broadcasts a radio show dedicated to fringe science and conspiracy theories. Charlie explains to Jackson that horrible cataclysms are fast approaching, and that the governments of the world have secretly built massive lifeboats in order to save some of the human race.
Jackson naturally believes Charlie is just a kook at first. But as he and his kids return home to Los Angeles, he quickly realizes that Charlie was right. An unbelievably massive earthquake rocks Los Angeles, and Jackson just barely manages to get his kids, his ex-wife (Amanda Peet), and her new boyfriend (Thomas McCarthy) to safety before the entire state of California collapses into the ocean. They're soon joined by another group of survivors, and thanks to a map given to Jackson by Charlie, they trek to the Himalayas to find the hidden lifeboats. But their path to safety will not be an easy one, as earthquakes and giant tsunamis are wiping out nearly every landmass on the surface of the planet.
I'm actually conflicted about how I should feel about 2012. On one hand, it's got a ton of flaws. Only a handful of actors in the movie make anything resembling a memorable contribution, and the script is just plain awful. The movie does nothing to justify the bloated 157-minute running time, and most of the characters are either dull and boring or just plain unlikable. But on the other hand, the movie boasts some genuinely exciting sequences and a few moments of real drama. There are enough good moments to make 2012 worth watching once, but enough crappy elements to make it worth skipping as well.
The movie was directed by Roland Emmerich, who should know all about destroying global landmarks. He is the filmmaker who brought us Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, after all. And while I may have a problem with the movie's runtime ― two and a half hours is just too long ― I still thought Emmerich did a decent enough job crafting the movie. Say what you will about his body of work, but to Emmerich's credit, he can stage a cinematic disaster with the best of them. For starters, the scene where Jackson and his family haul ass through a crumbling Los Angeles in Jackson's limousine is genuinely exciting, and it just goes on from there.
The only really bad part of Emmerich's direction is that due to the movie's length, it wears itself out by the end. You can only see so many earthquakes, tsunamis, and explosions before you grow a little numb to them. I know that Emmerich was probably trying to build some kind of massive scope with all the worldwide chaos, but there's only so much one can take.
It doesn't help that the movie's screenplay is atrocious. Penned by Emmerich and Harold Kloser, the script falls into the same traps as nearly all of Emmerich's movies. There's no substance to any of the movie's style. The plot is threadbare, and among the metric ton of characters that appear in the movie, very few of them are worth caring about. Emmerich's movies have almost always focused more on spectacle, so I guess he and Kloser figured nobody would care about the characters as long as there was a ton of stuff going on.
And the fact that it's hard to care about the characters means that there's no emotional resonance when someone gets killed off. Even the characters themselves don't seem to care when those close to them die. There are one or two moments where someone is visibly bothered by the news a loved one has died, but outside of that, it's just, "Oh, they died, let's move on." And as banal as the characters are, the audience probably feels the same way.
It's actually pretty hard to care about the actors too. Most of the ensemble cast is either forgettable or simply not given time to shine. There were a few worth mentioning, a few small diamonds in a whole lot of rough. I thought John Cusack was great even though I don't really buy him as the right guy for the role, and I liked Chiwetel Ijiofor despite his character not being written all that well. Danny Glover and Oliver Platt are also really good, but my favorite performance came from Woody Harrelson. He has what seems like less than ten minutes of screen time, but Harrelson is so much fun that I wish Emmerich had found a way to work him into the entire movie.
So all in all, I thought 2012 was just okay. Not good nor bad, but simply there. It's one of those movies that you'll probably watch once, enjoy for a little while, and then forget all about once the credits role. And you're honestly not missing anything if you haven't seen it yet. And thus, I'll give the movie two and a half stars. And you know what? They've re-released Titanic, Star Wars: Episode 1, and some of Pixar's movies in 3D, but not 2012? They could have converted it into 3D and re-released it to coincide with today. This movie would have looked awesome in 3D! It would have still been mediocre, but it would have been an awesome experience.
Final Rating: **½
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