Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

When Transformers: Dark of the Moon came out in 2011, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had somehow convinced myself that it was the conclusion of the series, that I'd never have to see another Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay. But it's never that easy, is it? Because now, three years after I'd let myself believe in a little sliver of cinematic hope, it's been dashed away by the return of the franchise under Bay's watch. I haven't been looking forward to seeing Transformers: Age of Extinction in the slightest, to the point that I've actually been dreading it. But I might as well bite the bullet and see if all my fears are justified, because I'll never really know otherwise.

Five years have passed since what's come to be known as "the Battle of Chicago." Almost all of the surviving Transformers ― both Autobot and Decepticon ― have been systematically hunted down and eliminated by an elite CIA black ops team captained by paranoid, anti-alien government official Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) and assisted by the amoral Transformer bounty hunter Lockdown (the voice of Mark Ryan).

But that's not of any concern to Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), a Texas junk dealer and wannabe inventor who is struggling to make ends meet. He brings home an old, wrecked big rig intending to strip it for parts, but discovers that the truck is in truth a comatose Optimus Prime (the voice of Peter Weller). Cade revives Optimus and tries repairing him, but his efforts are cut short when Attinger's squad arrives at the Yeager farm after being alerted to Optimus's location.

Cade and the injured Optimus just barely manage to escape, with Cade's teenage daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and her boyfriend Shane (Jack Reynor) in tow. As Optimus gathers the few remaining Autobots, they discover that Attinger has ties to technology tycoon Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci). Joyce has successfully reverse engineered the shapeshifting metal that Transformers are comprised of, and has been drafted by Attinger into creating his own breed of programmable Transformers. Of them all, his prized creation is one named Galvatron (the voice of Frank Welker), built from the remnants of the defeated and dismantled villain Megatron. But as trace elements of Megatron's personality begins to take over and override Joyce's programming, the Autobots contend with Lockdown and his Cybertronian weapon of mass destruction known as "the Seed."

I must admit that I thought Age of Extinction was most definitely an improvement, certainly nowhere near the worst entry into this godforsaken franchise, and at the very least, a real step up from Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon. The problem with it, however, is that its mediocrity is so overbearing that by the end of its three-hour runtime, you'll feel like one of the trucks from the movie has run you over. Had the movie been shorter, it might not have been quite so bad, but it grows so unbearably monotonous that you'll be glad it's over once the credits finally roll.

And the person you have to thank for the large part of that is Michael Bay. It's another stereotypical Bay action movie, with dumb characters doing dumb things and so much soulless, empty action that you feel stupider for having watched it. The movie is like watching a child play with his toys, slamming action figures against each other to pantomime fighting while coming up with scenarios that increasingly become so ridiculous that there's absolutely no way you can take it seriously. At this point, I fully expect Bay to finish the Transformers franchise by stealing from St. Elsewhere's last episode, the last few minutes of the final movie featuring him staring at a snow globe with Optimus Prime inside it.

And just why did this movie need to be three hours long? One could easily trim thirty to forty-five minutes of footage and nothing would have been missed. Much like with Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong, I got the feeling that Bay was so in love with his own movie that he couldn't possibly bear to edit anything out. And when you realize that the movie is basically repeating itself, with pretty much the same scenes and dialogue over and over but with different backdrops every time, that just makes it even more frustrating to watch. I mean, the only really good thing I can say about Bay's direction is that the special effects are really good and look fantastic in 3D. And when the best compliments I can come up with is "the CGI is pretty and I liked the 3D," you're really struggling.

At least the movie had a slightly better script this time around, but that isn't really saying much. Writer Ehren Kruger has seemingly made an attempt to fix some of the complaints people had with the first three movies, primarily by doing away with the Witwicky family altogether and killing off the annoying comic relief in the first act. But when all is said and done, the script is still kinda weak, only really there to give the actors something to do between action sequences. There isn't enough story to sustain a three-hour movie, and the attempts at character development, specifically the scenes where it's evident that Cade does not initially approve of Tessa and Shane's relationship but grows to like him, are clichéd and trite. You know as soon as Cade and Shane meet that Cade won't like him, but Shane will prove himself to be a decent guy and earns his trust. It's one of those things that's appeared in a ton of movies and is predictable almost every time.

I also felt that the introduction of the Dinobots felt tacked on and almost unnecessary. Their appearance in the climax isn't quite as fun as it could or should have been, and one suspects that they were only in the movie at all because 1.) the fans had been demanding it, and 2.) Hasbro wanted to add them to the toy line. They don't add much to the movie, outside of the very awesome shot of Optimus Prime riding Grimlock like he was a cowboy trying to control a bucking bronco.

But at least the acting has gotten better now that Shia LaBeouf and the rest are gone. Hell, things improved immensely simply by keeping Kevin Dunn and Julie White away from the movie. The Age of Extinction cast may not be any great shakes either, but I'll take this movie's cast over the same old crap we were given in the first three. Jack Reynor is serviceable but forgettable, while Nicola Peltz might not be much (her character is pretty much worthless, and it shows), but she's still a damn sight better than Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Mark Wahlberg does whatever he's asked and performs with the suitable amount of emotion, but he's likable and charismatic enough that he can get away with a bare-bones performance in a movie like this. But the real stars of the movie are Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci. Grammer plays his role with a certain sinister edge, a far better villain than these movies have given us in the past, while Tucci is great as always. Tucci is appropriately sleazy in his role, even as he starts to sway towards the side of the heroes. If somebody could edit the movie down to be just Grammer and Tucci's scenes, that's really all you'd need to see.

There are those who'd tell you that Age of Extinction is the worst of these movies, like it's some kind of horrible travesty that somehow leaves the art of cinema worse than it had been before. But those people are over-exaggerating. It's not as bad as they're making it out to be. It's a dull, plodding, often boring movie, but there are a few positives there that keep it from being a total waste. Maybe one of these days we'll have a live-action Transformers movie that's actually good, but until then, we're stuck with these. Hopefully, Michael Bay will get the hint when it comes time to make Transformers 5 and cut it down to a more reasonable running time. Oh, and try rising above mediocrity while he's at it. That'd be nice.

Final Rating: **½