Batman Begins (2005)

The year was 1939. World War II was beginning, the career of legendary baseball player Lou Gherig was ending. The Wizard of Oz and Gone With The Wind were released, and the "Golden Age of Comics" was just starting. By the time the year was out, the industry had seen Bob Kane and Bill Finger create a superhero that straddled the line between hero and vigilante.

A masked man striving to protect the city Kane and Finger's creation calls home from the criminals that claimed his family, he is called by many names. He is often referred to as the Dark Knight, the Caped Crusader, the Masked Manhunter, and the World's Greatest Detective. But he was born into the world with just one name: Batman. He has become a superstar in the seven decades since he first appeared in the pages of Detective Comics #27 in 1939, serving as not only as one of DC's flagship characters, but ranking with Superman and Spider-Man as one of the comic world's most iconic figures.

Batman has ventured outside of the printed page on numerous occasions, seeing translations into video games, toys, cartoons, movie serials in the 1940s, and the famous 1960s television show starring Adam West and Burt Ward. The show (and its spinoff movie) were super-silly, prompting the uninitiated to assume that the comic version was just as campy.

Batman, however, would be undeterred, and his public image would be drastically altered by Frank Miller's gritty 1986 graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns and Tim Burton's adaptation in 1989. Burton's film inspired three sequels between 1992 and 1997, but similar to Christopher Reeve's four Superman movies, the franchise started a quick downward spiral with the third and fourth films in the series. Fans cried foul at the cinematic downfall of their hero, aiming their hatred at the apparent return to the campiness of the old television show. Warner Brothers apparently heard their cry, and felt the need to wipe the slate clean with a complete and total reboot. And reboot they did, starting with the Dark Knight's backstory in Batman Begins.

As our story begins, we're introduced to eight-year-old Bruce Wayne (Gus Lewis) as he plays in his backyard with a friend, Rachel Dawes (Emma Lockhart). She discovers an arrowhead, but Bruce swipes it and makes off like a bandit. Rachel chases him, but when he attempts to hide, he ends up falling into an old well. Stranded at the bottom with a broken leg, Bruce is overwhelmed by a swarm of bats.

Flash forward just over twenty years into the future, where the adult Bruce (Christian Bale) is interred at a horrible Asian prison, looking more like a psychotic Grizzly Adams than a billionaire playboy. And I'll be honest, the prison makes Schindler's List look like a fun way to spend a weekend. The place looks like Hiroshima: The Morning After, the slop they serve the prisoners is so disgusting that it barely qualifies as food in any sort of ethical sense, and to top it all off, Bruce ends up in a giant brawl with six guys at once. He kicks the crap out of all six before the guards break it up, getting thrown in his cell before he can hurt anyone else. In his cell, he's greeted by the enigmatic Henri Ducard (Liam Neeson), who offers Bruce the answers he's sought for his entire life.

Bruce accepts his offer, and arrives at a Himalayan palace occupied by a band of masked ninjas and their equally enigmatic leader Ra's Al Ghul (Ken Watanabe). It is here that Ducard reveals his intention to take on Bruce as a protégé, and train him to combat evil in all its forms. He teaches Bruce numerous fighting styles, dropping little nuggets of wisdom while instructing his pupil to use theatricality and fear to conquer his foes. So in short, Ducard is like a funhouse mirror version of Qui-Gon Jinn from The Phantom Menace. Bruce's physically demanding training progresses, as we see flashbacks of his past and the path his life has taken. From watching a mugger senselessly murder his parents as a child, to his failed attempt as a young man to gain revenge by killing that mugger, to traveling the world committing crimes to sustain himself.

Bruce's training is a success, and he is accepted into the "League of Shadows." The League is an ancient organization, dedicated to restoring their view of order to the world in an "end justifies the means" fashion. Responsible for the downfall of numerous decadent societies, the League has sacked the Roman Empire, started the Black Plague, set the Great Fire of London in 1666, nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki, took out Sodom and Gomorrah, hijacked the planes used in the attacks on September 11th... okay, I'm exaggerating a tad. They're only responsible for Rome, the Plague, and the London fire. But from the way Ra's and Ducard talk, the influence of the League of Shadows is rivaled only by the Illuminati. Anyway, Ra's and Ducard want Bruce to lead the League into Gotham City, which has been selected as their next target. Bruce refuses to destroy the city he loves, realizing that the League is simply a group of criminals hiding behind the guise of justice. He severs ties with the League by burning the place down and fighting off most of the League's members, then departs for home.

Bruce is reunited with longtime Wayne butler Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Caine), who brings his ward up to speed on Gotham City events in his long absence. He has been declared dead, and his shares in Wayne Enterprises (the philanthropic business founded by his father) have been liquidated by company CEO William Earle (Rutger Houer) with the intention of taking the company public. It is on this flight home that Bruce declares his intentions: to save Gotham City from the crime choking the life out of the city.

Upon his return to Gotham City, Bruce heads to the Wayne Enterprises headquarters, inquiring about a job in the Applied Sciences division. He is led down into the division's long-forgotten warehouse in the basement, where he is introduced to Lucious Fox (Morgan Freeman). An unjustly demoted scientist that is the only person working in the division, Fox has developed numerous prototypes for the military. But as it turns out, they were all rejected because they would be too expensive for mass production. If Ducard is like Qui-Gon Jinn, then Fox is like Q, only working for Batman instead of James Bond. Bruce drafts Lucious as his armorer, "borrowing" the unused prototypes under various false pretenses (such as spelunking and cliff diving) in order to craft a disguise for himself.

He tests out the disguise one night by paying a visit to police sergeant Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), one of the few honest cops in the city and the officer who helped console a young Bruce on the night his parents died. Bruce asks what it would take to bring down Gotham City's powerful crime lord Carmine Falcone (Tom Wilkinson), and warns Sgt. Gordon to "watch for [his] sign." Through a little investigative work, Bruce discovers that Falcone is expecting a shipment of drugs smuggled inside stuffed animals. He picks off each of Falcone's henchmen one by one, fighting his way through them to the mob boss's limousine, where he yanks him out through the sunroof and knocks him unconscious. When the police finally arrive, Sgt. Gordon discovers Falcone strapped to a spotlight, projecting the faint silhouette of a bat into the night sky... the work of the vigilante that becomes known as "Batman."

As the movie progresses, Batman finds himself up against a corrupt psychologist named Dr. Jonathan Crane (Cillian Murphy). At first seeming like a harmless drug dealer with ties to the Mafia, he continually has sane criminals committed to Arkham Asylum so they can avoid prison. We soon learn, however, Crane's deeper, more malicious intentions. Y'see, he's using drugs acquired from Falcone to develop a weaponized hallucinogen that causes its victims to project their worst fear onto everything they see. Donning a burlap sack as a mask, Crane has created an alter ego he calls "The Scarecrow" in order to facilitate the fear of his victims.

After Falcone goes insane (thanks to the fear toxin), Bruce's old playmate Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes) – now an assistant to Gotham City's district attorney – wonders how a man with no history of mental illness goes crazy as quickly as he did. Crane offers to show her why, leading her into the asylum's basement, where various henchmen pour Crane's hallucinogen into a water main. Rachel catches what's up and tries to leave, but the masked Crane blows his toxin into her face.

Batman wastes no time in saving the day, swooping in and taking out the henchmen before spraying Crane with a dose of his own fear gas. Frightened into submission by his vision of Batman as a demonic gargoyle, Crane reveals his backer: the believed-dead Ra's Al Ghul. As the third act begins, we see the true face of Ra's Al Ghul and witness as Batman attempts to thwart his master plan: to vaporize Gotham City's water supply and cause the latent drugs to infect the entire city, creating a wave of panic that will cause Gotham's citizens to destroy themselves from within.

Wow. That's really all I can say, just "wow." As much as I liked Batman '89, I'm of the opinion that Batman Begins quite possibly exceeds it in terms of both filmmaking quality and storytelling style. For those still clutching to the belief that Batman Begins is a prequel to the Burton/Schumacher quartet, just let it go. This is an all-new franchise. The movie doesn't fit into the previous continuity, which is especially evidenced in the fact that the Waynes were not killed by The Joker as depicted in Batman '89. Here, they're murdered by Joe Chill (as played by Richard Brake). Besides, they had to reboot the series, because they killed off the majority of the best villains. The villains are just as much of a draw as Batman is, and oustside of Scarecrow, Burton and Schumacher pretty much used all the best ones. How many casual fans have heard of Victor Zsasz or Killer Croc? The only true remaining hint of the Burton/Schumacher era that I caught is the rather sly reference to the opening scene of Batman '89 ("What the hell are you?" "I'm Batman.").

The script, penned by Nolan and David S. Goyer, combines elements of classic Batman stories such as Batman: Year One, The Man Who Falls, and The Long Halloween to make an excellent script, seamlessly blending Nolan's dark storytelling style with Goyer's ability to write entertaining comic book adaptations (with movies like The Crow: City of Angels and the Blade trilogy on his résumé). We're taken deeper into Batman's psyche and we actually get to see what's inside his head, as opposed to him just being a guy in a black rubber suit that's background noise for the villains. Rather than ruin the Batman mythology, Nolan and Goyer weave a tale that enriches it. We see the reasoning behind the "Batman" image, the birth of the Batcave, how he acquires those wonderful toys. We get to understand the character, to see his motivation.

The movie is as much about Bruce Wayne as it is about his masked alter ego, which brings more humanity and heart into the story. The hedonistic playboy side of the character's personality has been depicted by some comic book writers as Bruce's secret identity, while his "Dark Knight" side has been cast as the man's true nature. Nolan and Goyer have apparently taken that same route, because when the Bruce Wayne of Batman Begins puts on his cape and cowl, that's when we see his true face. This movie's Bruce is a hero through and through, and we get the sense that he feels more at home in the Batcave than he does in Wayne Manor.

But there is one thing that bugs me about the script. Is it just me, or are there flaws in that water vaporizer contraption used at the end of the movie? The human body is mostly water, so couldn't it vaporize people too? I'm not a science whiz, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't have a clue. But in any event, the water vaporizer would have made an awesome weapon to use against Aquaman. If they make an Aquaman movie, they should totally rip that off.

After crafting such fascinating films as Memento, director Christopher Nolan has breathed new life into the thought-dead Batman movie franchise. Nolan's work here is just as well-crafted as the screenplay. The movie's look hearkens back to Tim Burton's original movie, yet retains its own individuality. While I normally complain about dizzying, quickly-edited action scenes, they work within the context of the movie. Take, for example, the scene where Batman interrupts Falcone's drug shipment. He appears out of nowhere, striking at a moment's notice. Falcone's henchmen are confused and have no clue what's going on, and the scene's editing reflects that.

The movie's camerawork (orchestrated by cinematographer Wally Pfister) pushes the movie along, putting to use exciting camera angles and moody lighting. Many of the scenes are cast in a melancholy gray light while others are tinted with earthy browns and sepia tones, which suits the movie's tone perfectly. The movie's special effects are also great, relying more on stuntmen and real gadgets than CGI work. They could have gone the whole Catwoman route and had a Batman that looked like he was ripped out of a video game during the action scenes, but the use of actual working props and stuntmen makes the movie that much more believable. And boy, did I like that Batmobile. Looking like an amalgam of a Hummer, a tank, and Dodge's aborted Tomahawk motorcycle, the Batmobile (called "the Tumbler" in the movie) isn't the typical Batmobile, but still manages to be sleek, intimidating, and downright cool.

Batman Begins is also assisted by a wonderful score by Hans Zimmer and James Nelson Howard. Their music doesn't rely on recurring leitmotifs like the scores by Danny Elfman and Elliot Goldenthal's previous scores, but I liked it all the same. The score carries a lot of power and strength, without overshadowing what's onscreen. The score is never overbearing, maintaining a presence throughout and helping to tell a story as much as the screenplay and cast.

Speaking of, let's talk about the cast. Christian Bale does a spectacular job, wonderfully conveying the deep psychological scars of a person who as a child watched as those closest to him were violently snatched away, and seeks to avenge them as an adult. Bale's enthusiasm for the role is evident, and when the actors have fun, the viewer does too. His heroic turn here is the polar opposite of his equally extraordinary performance as an off-his-rocker serial killer in American Psycho, and he manages to play perhaps the best Bruce Wayne of the five actors who have gained notoriety for the role.

Bale is surrounded by an impressive supporting cast, with Liam Neeson and Michael Caine as its best members. Both Neeson and Caine are awesome, bringing some much-welcomed class to the movie. They could have just stood around smoking cigarettes and downing martinis for two hours and it would have ruled. Gary Oldman is fun as the future Gotham City police commissioner Jim Gordon, and Rutger Houer's turn as the sleazeball Wayne Enterprises CEO is enjoyable as well. Cillian Murphy, who I'd only seen prior as the protagonist in the British zombie movie 28 Days Later, turns in a creepy performance that makes me wish Scarecrow had gotten more screen time.

And despite having almost no screen time at all, Linus Roache is great as Bruce's father. Roache's performance is understated, yet he manages to come across as a truly loving father that leaves a thumbprint on the movie as a whole. However, not everything about the cast is so great. Katie Holmes is likeable, but I just wasn't believing her as an assistant DA or as a love interest. She doesn't bring much to the movie outside of standing around looking cute, so her character just seems superfluous. Holmes and Bale don't have the same chemistry as, say, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in Spider-Man or Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder in Superman. Though to their credit, Holmes and Bale are a more believable couple than Holmes and Tom Cruise. Maybe that's why she spent so much time talking about Tom than promoting the movie when it was released, because she realized that she was totally out of her league when compared to the rest of the cast.

I enjoyed Batman Begins a lot, and combined with the fact that it's well-made and well-acted, goes a long way into how much hype I give it. I really don't have much bad to say about the movie at all, and I'm willing to list it in my top-five movies of 2005. The quality of comic book adaptations can be mixed, but I'm of the opinion that Batman Begins is one of the best of the bunch. Not as awesome as Sin City, but still great. I'll give Batman Begins four and a half stars and a vote of confidence, so check it out.

Final Rating: ****½

Hard Candy (2006)

If appearances can be deceiving, then perhaps the most deceptive of all is an Internet chat room. That person you may be getting to know online, that one you think you may have so much in common with, could be someone with an entirely different personality and motive. Watch any random episode of Dateline NBC's "To Catch A Predator" gimmick, and you'll probably see at least a few middle-aged men who believed they'd sweet-talked their way into the pants of some nonexistent teenage girl they met over the Internet. This sort of situation is the basis for Hard Candy, an excellent independent film that tells the tale of a real-life meeting between two online buddies that quickly becomes a very dangerous game of cat-and-mouse.

We begin our story by peeking in on an online conversation between "Lensman319" and "Thonggrrrl14," as the two agree to meet in person at a local coffee shop. And as they meet, we meet them as well: "Thonggrrrl14" is Hayley Stark (Ellen Page), a petite fourteen-year-old girl who is well-read despite barely looking a day over twelve; "Lensman319" is Jeff Kholver (Patrick Wilson), a charming 32-year-old photographer.

The pair strike up a conversation over a slice of chocolate cake, a conversation that is both friendly yet awkward. Jeff seems shy and a little nervous, and Hayley comes across as naïve yet mature for her age. As the conversation continues, the British techno band Goldfrapp comes up. Hayley is a fan, and when Jeff mentions that he's acquired a bootleg MP3 of a recent Goldfrapp concert he attended, she absolutely has to hear it. She more or less invites herself over to his house, even though they both agree that going back to his place is a little bit crazy.

They get back to his house, and as Hayley listens to the MP3, Jeff offers her a glass of water. She declines, stating that she's been taught to never drink any beverage she hasn't prepared herself. Hayley leads Jeff into the kitchen, where she raids the fridge and starts making screwdrivers. Times must be different nowadays, because when I was 14, the only screwdrivers I knew about were the kind they sell at hardware stores. Maybe I was too sheltered as a kid, I don't know.

But anyway, Hayley starts pouring the vodka and orange juice, and things start livening up. She starts begging Jeff to take pictures of her, similar to the ones he's taken of various models that hang on the walls of his house. Hayley turns on some techno music and starts dancing on the couch, but when Jeff returns with his camera, he gets dizzy and passes out.

He awakens sometime later to find himself tied to an office chair. Hayley greets him, explaining that she spiked his drink with something she'd stolen from her father, and that she was afraid she'd accidentally used too much. At first thinking this is some kind of joke, Jeff soon learns that Hayley is not the innocent young girl he believed her to be, but a cold, calculating sociopath with an axe to grind. Her agenda: to pull every skeleton out of his closet by proving her belief that Jeff is a pedophile. And folks, Hayley isn't playing around. She's willing to go to extreme lengths to make sure Jeff suffers, as she pumps him for information regarding his indiscretions and the disappearance of a young woman he may have once photographed.

Although it never claims itself to be such, Hard Candy could perhaps be construed as a spiritual cousin to movies like Takashi Miike's Audition. Both movies center around men whose relationships with the younger women in their lives aren't everything they originally believed them to be. But what separates Audition and Hard Candy (besides the lack of gore, of which there is very little in Hard Candy) is how we connect to the characters. With Hard Candy, it's as if we were merely dropped into the middle of a certain slice of life with no preparation. As the movie progresses, we get glimpses into Jeff's true nature, but we never really feel like we can identify with him. We learn that he enjoys the company of underage girls, and that he may be connected to a missing teenager.

It's hard to sympathize with him while knowing this information, but it's just as hard to sympathize with Hayley. I don't want to say she's one-dimensional, because I don't believe she is. There's a lot going on inside that mind of hers. But Hayley is absolutely devoid of a soul; she's a complete blank slate who completely negates anything we think we know about her with just a few lines of dialogue.

And really, should we sympathize with her? Do we cheer for her because she is doling out comeuppance to someone we are led to believe is a pedophile, or do we fear her because of how she gleefully tortures him both physically and psychologically? She is not painted as a feminist antihero, but as an enigmatic sociopath that enjoys what she's doing. She says early in the movie that "four out of five doctors agree that I'm actually insane," and though she sounds like she's joking, it appears that nothing could be closer to the truth.

Hard Candy is a very minimalist film, with nearly all of the 104-minute running time centering around two characters in one location. Director David Slade takes that and uses it to raise the movie's intimacy. He relies heavily (perhaps too heavily) on close-ups of his actors, but it manages to work in the movie's favor because it pulls the viewer deeper into the atmosphere. Slade also puts his music video background to good use, as we get some quite effective fast-motion and slow-motion. Combined with the work of cinematographer Jo Willems, it almost feels as if MTV decided to branch out into art house films.

Slade's work is also greatly enhanced by the engrossing score composed by Molly Nyman and Harry Escott. The score alternates between thumping techno, a subdued ambiance, and occasions of no music at all. Sometimes silence is golden, and Nyman and Escott understand this. Many times, they just let the sound effects do their work, which is much more effective.

I also thought the screenplay penned by Brian Nelson was extremely well done. The movie has no real hero, no real villain. Nelson's script is not painted with black and white, but shades of gray, which makes the movie all the more intriguing to watch. The script touches upon certain taboos that most movies won't, but instead of doing it like some cheap Lifetime movie, Nelson makes Hard Candy bounce between psychoanalytical drama and black comedy. And believe it or not, it all balances out properly and works quite well.

But perhaps the best things about the entire movie are its two leads, Patrick Wilson and Ellen Page. Outside of one or two scenes, they are the only characters in the movie, and both Wilson and Page are extraordinary. The movie is heavy on dialogue and the action scenes are rather light, but the duo effortlessly handles all that is required of them. Wilson is wonderful, managing to make the viewer both dislike him and feel sympathetic for him simultaneously.

His co-star, however, is absolutely excellent. Some critics have heralded this as Page's breakout role, and I might have to agree. Page is absolutely riveting as she plays the role with a certain whimsical merriment. Her character is smooth and cunning, and Page makes it believable. The movie is all about Page and Wilson, which makes Sandra Oh's cameo as a nosy neighbor delivering Girl Scout cookies so superfluous. Yeah, she might have a little name value after scoring points with Sideways and Grey's Anatomy, she doesn't bring anything to the film at all. Nothing against her, but the inclusion of her character doesn't bring much to the movie outside of a distraction. While I think the character was included to add a little "is Hayley going to be caught?" tension, it ultimately went nowhere and served no greater purpose to the movie.

Viewers will be either engrossed with or turned off by Hard Candy. The subject matter – a young girl torturing a suspected pedophile – will not appeal to everyone, but it will nonetheless get a reaction from those who see it. It is a film made with passion and with talent, and it is a film that is thoroughly fascinating. The movie is worth the price of admission, just to see the performances of its two leads. Hard Candy will not satisfy everyone who sees it, but I believe it is worth watching at least once, just for the experience.

Final Rating: ****

Supergirl (1984)

Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock since 1938 will more than likely tell you that perhaps the greatest comic book superhero of all time is Superman. Since his first appearance, he has become a pop culture icon, up there with baseball and apple pie as a true symbol of America. Superman was a big fat hit almost immediately, and DC Comics was quick to snap up copyrights on nearly every potential spinoff they could think of.

One of these spinoff characters was Kara Zor-El, better known as Supergirl. The long lost cousin of Superman, she made her first true appearance in Action Comics #252 in 1959. Her existence has been a rocky road, as she got her own short-lived comic books in 1972 and 1982, but never really reached A-list status before being killed off in 1985 during DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths storyline. (But of course, since nobody stays dead in comics, Supergirl was resurrected two years ago.)

Following the disappointing box office returns of Superman III, Christopher Reeve vacated his starring role in the franchise, and at the time had no interest in returning. Producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind, who owned the film rights to the entire Superman family, decided to tread unfamiliar waters by starting a new franchise starring Supergirl. What resulted was a movie that didn't even recoup half of its budget, yet has developed both a cult following and a reputation that it perhaps does not completely deserve.

As our tale begins, we learn that Superman was not the only survivor of his home planet's destruction after all. While baby Kal-El rocketed towards Earth, a fragment of Krypton was hurtled into "inner space." That fragment would become known as Argo City, a virtual utopia crafted by Zaltar (Peter O'Toole), the city's founder. One of his little creations is the Omegahedron, Argo City's primary energy source. It's basically this little glowing ball that looks rather unimpressive, but can apparently bring inanimate objects to life if used properly. I guess Kryptonian technology is light years ahead of human technology, since I don't believe we've harnessed the power of the Superball yet.

But anyway, Zaltar decides that he's going to take the Omegahedron out for a walk one day, in order to better flesh out his artwork. He's not really supposed to have it, so he passes it off to his protégé, Kara (Helen Slater), for safekeeping before he can get caught with it. Silly Kara decides she's going to goof around with it, obviously not realizing that it's nothing to be trifled with. She creates a dragonfly, which ends up crashing right through one of the community's windows – which looks like a thin layer of cellophane, to be truthful – and causes depressurization that threatens the entire city.

And wouldn't you know it, the Omegahedron gets sucked right out the window into the vacuum of space. Way to go, Kara, you dope. Ten minutes into the movie, and you've doomed the last vestiges of an alien civilization. Argo City is only going to last a few days without the Omegahedron, so Kara takes it upon herself to track it down and bring it back home.

The Omegahedron somehow makes its way to Earth, where it falls into the hands of all the wrong people. It lands in the possession of Selena (Faye Dunaway), a wannabe witch with aspirations of world domination. And apparently, yellow suns affect Kryptonian technology as much as they affect actual Kryptonians, because this thing pretty much does whatever Selena wants it to. Start the car without any keys? Sure. Set a turkey on fire? Why not? Make some random guy fall in love with you? Well, I don't think that's such a bright idea, but I guess you could do that. We'll get into that later.

So with the Omegahedron in tow, Selena and her sidekick Bianca (Brenda Vaccaro) decide to throw a little soirée to celebrate Selena's newfound power and recruit a coven. Something like that, I'm not too sure. I should also point out that Selena and Bianca apparently live in the haunted house ride at an abandoned carnival. What, is she a Scooby-Doo villain

Anyway, the party is eventually broken up by Nigel (Peter Cook), a warlock and occasional boyfriend of Selena. He warns Selena that she might have acquired a little too much power a little too quickly, and says that she should be careful. Of course, she's a totally over-the-top villain that wants to conquer the world, so what does she care? But Nigel's a huge buzzkill, and he totally ruined the party, so he's gotta go.

Meanwhile, Kara arrives in the Illinois town of Midvale, near where the Omegahedron landed. And she's fully decked out in her Supergirl costume with full cognizance of her powers. It took Superman years to accomplish all that, and she can do these things plus have a costume in twenty seconds on Earth? ...Okay.

Regardless, Kara enjoys her new powers, especially being able to fly, until she stumbles upon an all-girls school. She figures, "Hey, I'll just go blend in for a while." And that's exactly what she does, by somehow becoming a brunette and changing into one of the school's uniforms by apparently willing the changes into existence. Well, isn't that a convenient power? You know, if Superman could randomly change his appearance at will, he'd have no need for phone booths. Not only is it convenient, it's useful too. But since Superman doesn't have that power, I guess there's just something in Argo City's water. It's probably the same reason why Superman could throw big cellophane sheets at people in Superman II.

The newly-disguised Kara makes her way to the principal's office, where she tries to pass herself off as a student under the name "Linda Lee." The principal, Mr. Danvers (David Healy), is suspicious at first, since he's never seen her before in his life. As she tries explaining her situation, the math teacher – Nigel, of all people – interrupts and calls Mr. Danvers out of the room. While the principal is gone, Kara (or Linda, or Supergirl, whatever) uses her super-speed to type up a letter of recommendation before slipping it into a filing cabinet.

Mr. Danvers returns shortly thereafter, and she suggests that maybe there's some paperwork about her in his files. He does discover the forged letter addressed from her cousin, Clark Kent. Mr. Danvers doesn't question the recommendation of a reporter from the Daily Planet, so she's apparently a student after all. Let's not let pesky little details like admissions paperwork or tuition or proper identification or anything like that get in the way. Principal Danvers leads Linda to a dorm room, where she'll be bunking with the tomboyish Lucy Lane (Maureen Teefy). So they've got Clark Kent's cousin rooming with Lois Lane's sister, and both of them have the initials "L.L." Huh.

Classes begin the next day, and for some reason, Selena and Bianca are hanging around in the parking lot reading tarot cards. Selena says the cards say people will do anything for love, so as part of her plan for world conquest, she's going to make everyone love her. She sees one of the school's groundskeepers, Ethan (Hart Bochner), and decides that she's going to start with him. Ethan later arrives at Selena's abode a few hours later under the pretenses of doing a little gardening around the place, but Selena slips him a little Love Potion #9 and knocks him out. It's right around this time that Nigel shows up, looking to play the party pooper once again by continuing to warn Selena that the Omegahedron may be too powerful for her to control.

While he does that, Ethan wakes up and staggers out of the house. He ends up in the middle of Midvale, walking around in the middle of the street like he's hopped up on goofballs. And everybody just yells at him and moves along. You'd think that someone would point him in the direction of the sidewalk, but no. People in Midvale must not be the friendly type.

He ends up getting noticed by Linda and Lucy, who are in town with Lucy's buddy from Metropolis, Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure). Linda wants to help him, but Jimmy just dismisses him as a junkie that probably has a weapon. So let me get this straight: Jimmy has no problem letting cars mow down some guy that's potentially strung out, just because he thinks he's gonna get shanked if he helps. Geez, Jimmy. You can be a real turd sometimes.

Selena, meanwhile, finally realizes that Ethan's gone. She tracks him down via her magic mirror, then uses the Omegahedron to fire up some huge backhoe to scoop Ethan up and deliver him back to her. The thing does pick him up, but it ends up destroying half of Main Street in the process. And get this, while this backhoe is hunting Ethan down, everybody just clears the streets and lets it go after him. Even after it picks him up and carries him away, nobody tries to help him but Lucy, who gets knocked unconscious in the process. I guess everybody in town is as big a prick as Jimmy. But lucky for Ethan, there's a Kryptonian superhero handy!

Linda switches to her Supergirl costume, and helps fix most of the damage the backhoe caused. As the machine rolls on, Supergirl yanks the bucket off and deposits it safely on the ground. She quickly returns to her Linda Lee persona and opens the bucket, and Ethan – who apparently passed out in all the commotion – wakes up and sees Linda. This ends up finally activating Selena's love potion. He falls head over heels in love with his rescuer, and starts waxing romantic before planting a rather unexpected kiss on Linda. Honestly, if someone ever compiled a list of the most awkward kisses in the history of cinema, Ethan kissing Linda would be right up there. She's all "uh... okay" and rushes off, confused.

Not exactly happy with how things have resulted, Selena calls upon an invisible demon to go take out Linda. But I guess this demon is rather weak, since Supergirl kills it relatively quickly. Supergirl begins to get a signal from the Omegahedron, and she follows the signal straight to the amusement park where Selena lives. Supergirl is ready to throw down, but Selena distracts her by teleporting Ethan into the middle of a bunch of angry bumper cars. She also tries a little spell that makes multiple images of her surround Supergirl. Though truth be told, the effect makes it look like a lame version of Johnny Cage's shadow kick from the Mortal Kombat games. Supergirl is all "yeah, whatever" and snatches up a bumper car Ethan managed to jump inside, then flies off to safety.

But despite Supergirl's best efforts, Selena manages to poof Ethan into her castle high atop a mountain she created in the center of Midvale. She chains him up and forces some more of that love potion on him, and how he only has eyes for Selena. I think she also finally figured out the secrets of the Omegahedron, because she's got a henchman driving her around in this ritzy car so she can pick out random things to destroy. I'm surprised she even knows what the Omegahedron is in the first place, let alone how to use it. There's also anti-Selena protests in the streets, evidenced by Jimmy and Lucy leading some picketers carrying "Down With Selena" signs. I'm not even going to begin to get into all the things that are wrong with this bit of the movie. But I will say that nothing makes sense. Doctor Seuss books make more sense than this. But back to the movie. Every evil villain needs a hostage or three, so she traps Nigel, Jimmy, and Lucy in her castle while she waits for Supergirl.

Supergirl does arrive, only for Selena to put her in the Phantom Zone as soon as she enters the castle. There's no explanation as to how Selena managed to conjure up the Phantom Zone, let alone as to how she even knew what it was in the first place, but nobody ever accused this movie of swerving around any plot holes it happened to come across.

So anyway, Supergirl's in the Phantom Zone, and completely powerless to boot. She wanders into some quicksand, but as she frees herself, she knocks herself out in the process. But all is not lost, as Zaltar comes to her rescue. You may be asking, "Matt, what is Zaltar doing in the Phantom Zone?" Turns out that after the Omegahedron was lost, he figured he'd really screwed up something heavy and had himself put in the Phantom Zone as punishment. And to save a little time, here is a brief summary of Zaltar and Kara's conversation.

Kara: I really need to get out of here.
Zaltar: There is absolutely no way out of the Phantom Zone. That's the whole point of this place.
Kara: I said I really need to return to Earth.
Zaltar: And I said there's no way out.
Kara: But I wanna leave!
Zaltar: Okay, I'll take you to the exit.

They do head to the one possible way out of the Phantom Zone, but they risk death by attempting their escape. Kara does escape, but Zaltar unfortunately dies on the way out. But no matter, Kara's got some evil witch butt to kick. The exit conveniently drops her off back in Selena's castle, where Supergirl and Selena have their final showdown.

As I said earlier, Supergirl has earned something of a bad reputation in the years since it was released. It's been perceived as a horrible movie on the level of Superman IV, as a complete waste of time and effort. And while knocks against the movie may be justified, the movie does manage to bring a certain level of entertainment to the table. I'll agree that the movie could have been lots better, but it's so charming that I can't bring myself to hate it. So help me, I actually had a whole lot of fun watching the movie. Supergirl's reputation dictates that I probably shouldn't, but I did and I'm not going to lie about it.

So let's hit the acting first. Perhaps the movie's biggest saving grace is its lead actress. Helen Slater is quite charming and amiable in the lead role. It's a shame that Supergirl flopped and killed off any hopes for a sequel, because I believe Slater could have carried an entire Supergirl franchise much in the vein of Christopher Reeve's consistent performances as Superman. Essentially playing three roles, Slater is very much up to task. She is convincingly curious and awkward while in the Linda Lee persona, showing a want to learn about human culture yet not really certain how to properly fit in. As Supergirl, Slater is tough, confident, an example of "girl power" before the term existed. I honestly have nothing but good things to say about her.

Faye Dunaway is entertaining if not hammy as Supergirl's nemesis. Her character is so blandly written, so poorly constructed, that Dunaway would have been well within her rights to completely phone in her performance. I'm just going to come right and say it: the Selena character is so lame, she makes me pine for Nuclear Man. But regardless of how awful the role is, Dunaway gives a performance that isn't completely horrible. It's no Mommie Dearest, but then again, what is?

Another main character, Peter O'Toole, is not bad at all. O'Toole, a certifiable Hollywood legend and seven-time Oscar nominee, is above this kind of material, but he brings a particular credibility to the role. Unfortunately, Supergirl doesn't make full use of his talents, and it ended up earning him a Worst Actor nomination at the 1985 Razzie Awards.

Also underused in a thankless role is the late British comedian Peter Cook. Perhaps most recognizable in the United States as "the impressive clergyman" from The Princess Bride, Cook doesn't really get to do a whole heck of a lot. His role could have been greatly expanded upon, but I guess it's too late to go back and change it now.

Supergirl's romantic interest, Hart Bochner, isn't awful, but he seems way too old to fill the role. Perhaps that could be because, if my math is right, Bochner was 27 and Slater was 20 while production was under way. Not that age is always a big deal, but it's kinda creepy. Throw in the fact that he and Slater have an appalling lack of chemistry, and I just didn't have any real use for him at all.

Brenda Vaccaro is acceptable, even a little amusing, as Selena's daffy sidekick. If the character was intended to be a version of Miss Tessmacher from the first two Superman movies, then I think it was a success. And rounding out the main cast, Marc McClure and Maureen Teefy are fun, despite having no real consequence on the plot nor very much screen time.

Sadly, Jeannot Szwarc's direction is flat and uninspired. Despite well-done cinematography by Alan Hume, Szwarc's work just comes across as being somewhat run of the mill. I'm not saying that what Szwarc has done with the movie is awful, because it isn't. I'm just saying that there was plenty of room for improvement. I also wonder if he brokered some kind of funding from A&W Root Beer and STP, because there's product placement like crazy.

However, Szwarc's indifferent direction is improved upon by the terrific score by Jerry Goldsmith, music that suits the movie's tone perfectly. The music never becomes overbearing, and really works well with the fantasy vibe that the movie maintains. Goldsmith manages to create a particular leitmotif akin to what John Williams did with the original Superman movie, even working in Williams's iconic theme song at one point. However, while good, most of the music ends up repeating itself over and over, which is somewhat distracting and disappointing.

David Odell's screenplay is high camp, through and through. While I did find it to be entertaining to a particular point, it's bogged down by instances of brain-dead dialogue and outright preposterous scenarios. For example, why does Kara feel the need to create a secret identity? She should be more concerned with finding the Omegahedron and saving the last city of Krypton, not mingling with us puny earthlings. Yeah, she might be curious about the planet her cousin calls home, but shouldn't she be worried about the fate of her own home?

And I also wonder whose bright idea was it to have Kara change from her "Linda Lee" attire to her Supergirl costume and back by merely thinking it. And who had the forethought to leave a Supergirl costume tailored to Kara's specific measurements in the ship she took to Earth? I know these were done for the sake of convenience, but still, it's glaring things like that that could just confuse somebody to no end.

But I will give Odell a little credit, as he expands on the mythology created by the Superman movie universe by taking us actually into the Phantom Zone. While we merely knew it as a thin pane of black glass in Superman II, we're shown that the world inside it is appropriately desolate and harsh. It's supposed to be a prison for the baddest of the bad, and I believe it. It almost as if it were a glimpse into a Kryptonian would call Hell.

Supergirl is most definitely not Oscar-worthy filmmaking by any means. But it is, however, a harmless fantasy movie that is an acceptable way to kill a lazy Sunday afternoon. The movie is flawed, with lazy directing, an inane script, and acting that is mediocre (for the most part). But it is, however, a perfectly harmless fantasy movie that is an acceptable way to kill a lazy Sunday afternoon.

And if one enjoys this kind of movie, you probably won't go wrong with Supergirl. I can truthfully say that, given its reputation, I didn't think it was completely horrible. It isn't the best movie ever made. Maybe not even fifth best. Truth be told, it's a lame B-movie. But depending on how you look at it, it can still be at least a little entertaining. And remember, as always, your mileage may vary.

Final Rating: **½

When A Stranger Calls (2006)

Remakes aren't always a bad thing. They can present a fresh take on old material, or improve upon a movie that might not have been so great the first time around. And likewise, a PG-13 rating isn't as much of a death knell for horror movies as some people like to proclaim. Depending on the story the movie is trying to tell, there actually can be PG-13 horror movies that are scary and suspenseful.

But unfortunately, someone had to go and make an example of everything that's bad about remakes and PG-13 horror movies. The end result of that horrible experiment in filmmaking is the remake of the 1979 semi-cult classic When A Stranger Calls. While the movie had plenty of promise, what we finally got was an 87-minute definition of the word "tedious." So let's dive into the review, so I can explain just how bad When A Stranger Calls is.

Jill Johnson (Camilla Belle) is an average teenage girl with average teenage drama. She caught her boyfriend Bobby (Brian Geraghty) making out with her drunken best friend Tiffany (Katie Cassidy), and she's been grounded for a month after running up an astronomically high cell phone bill. As punishment, Jill's father is making her miss her high school's bonfire — which looks more like Burning Man than a normal high school bonfire, if you ask me — so she can babysit for Dr. Tim Mandrakis (Derek de Lint) and his wife Kelly (Kate Jennings Grant) while they enjoy a night out on the town. The Mandrakises live out in the middle of nowhere, but the kids are already asleep, the refrigerator is full of food, and Jill is free to explore their massive house. But because this is a horror movie, things don't go as easily as one would like.

As the night progresses, Jill begins to get odd telephone calls from someone whose number doesn't appear on the Caller ID or Star-69. Every time, the caller simply breathes heavily for a few seconds before hanging up. Jill grows confused and frustrated, wondering who it could possibly be. Perhaps it's Bobby's friends messing around. Or maybe it's Tiffany, who swings by the house at one point to apologize for kissing Bobby. Maybe it's Dr. Mandrakis's college-age son, who lives in the nearby guesthouse. Perhaps it's even Rosa (Rosine Hatem), the family's live-in housekeeper who is supposedly out caring for her ill mother.

The calls end up becoming bothersome enough that Jill eventually calls the police about it. The answering officer, Officer Burroughs (David Denman), tells her that unless this anonymous caller has been threatening her or being obscene, there's nothing they can do. The calls keep on coming, and we finally hear the stranger's voice (the voice of Lance Henriksen) as he asks, "Have you checked the children?" I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like an awfully odd request coming from a prank caller.

But regardless, Jill goes and checks the children like any good babysitter would, and finds that they're both sleeping peacefully in their beds. The phone rings again, and the stranger is on the other line. And what he says chills Jill to the bone: "How were the children?"

The very frightened Jill shuts all the curtains, makes sure the doors are locked and the alarm system is set, then calls Officer Burroughs back. She explains what happens, and he agrees to put a trace on the phone; Jill just has to keep him on the line for no less than sixty seconds. The stranger does call back, of course, and Jill manages to keep him from hanging up after a few seconds. Jill, exasperated, asks him what he wants, to which he gives the classic reply, "Your blood... all over me."

She disgustedly throws down the phone, but it immediately rings again. It's not the stranger calling, but Officer Burroughs, who reveals that the stranger's calls are coming from a second line inside the house. This segues us into the finale, as Jill and the Mandrakis children (Arthur Young and Madeline Carroll) must evade the stranger in the enormous labyrinth of a house, as they fight a homicidal maniac (Tommy Flanagan) for their own survival.

Folks, I'm going to come right out and say it: When A Stranger Calls is a horrible, awful, wretched waste of time and brain cells. And really, you could tell the movie was going to be bad from the very beginning. The movie shot itself in the foot big time, as every one of the trailers and television commercials blatantly gave away that the calls were coming from inside the house. It's one thing if you already knew the twist from having prior knowledge about the original When A Stranger Calls, but Sony Pictures promoting the big twist for the whole world to see right there in the advertising campaign is insulting. It would be like the commercials for The Sixth Sense proclaiming that Bruce Willis is dead the whole time, or Twilight Zone host Rod Serling telling the audience that "To Serve Man" is a cookbook at the beginning of the episode. Giving away the big twist effectively ruins any sort of tension or suspense the movie could have ever hoped to build, and that's terrible.

The original movie's opening act is the best and most memorable part of the movie, so I can't say that I blame screenwriter Jake Wade Wall for eschewing the plodding remainder of the original film for this remake. However, the remake suffers somewhat because of it. As I said in my review of the original, the plot would be better suited for a short film. I suggested the original's opening act could have been better suited as a segment in a film similar to Creepshow or Trilogy of Terror, while the remake perhaps would have been better if it were shortened down and used as an episode of something like Tales From The Crypt or Masters of Horror.

But the plot ultimately wears itself way too thin as it tries to stretch itself over an 87-minute frame. The movie's anemic structure only sets it up as a victim for nearly every possible cliché a film like this can suffer from. The Mandrakis house is at a lake in the middle of nowhere; Jill has a hard time contacting any of her friends due to poor cell phone reception; Jill goes outside and walks around instead of staying put; a secondary character's car won't turn over on the first try; there's a little black cat that's prone to causing cheap scares; they throw in some kids to give Jill a reason to stay inside the house and look for them instead of running as far away as her legs can carry her. There's even one final jump scare that looks shamelessly ripped off from Carrie and Friday the 13th.

Even if you can manage to look past all the clichés, Wall's script is appallingly bad. In my review of the original When A Stranger Calls, I complained that Carol Kane's version of Jill Johnson was kinda stupid. She just sat on the couch and cried while the stranger kept asking over and over if she'd checked the children. However, that was justifiable for the sake of the plot. The new Jill is even stupider, but this time, there's no excuse. It's a given that horror film heroines are relatively dumb, but Jill is so incredibly vapid that it's nearly offensive.

While I do respect Wall's attempts to give Jill a little more depth than her 1979 counterpart, Jill is still unfortunately flat. Never once did I feel any sympathy for her, and as the movie dragged on, I was almost cheering for the stranger to bash Jill's head in with the first blunt object he could get his hands on. Though in the character's defense, I will say that 2006's Jill does a minimally better job at being a babysitter than 1979's Jill. She actually does check the children, even if she has to be prompted by the stranger two-thirds of the way through the movie before she actually does so. At least she does the first time he asks, instead of the stranger having to ask three times like in the original.

The secondary characters Wall adds to the script are utterly useless as well, as none of them make any sort of real contribution whatsoever to the movie. I mean, most of these characters are completely superfluous, and eliminating them would have bore no consequence on the narrative at all. And just like the movie itself, most of the characters are clichés that have been done in hundreds of movies. The character of Scarlet, played by Tessa Thompson, serves no purpose outside of filling the "sassy black friend" role that is all the rage in movies aimed towards a teenage demographic.

Meanwhile, Jill's boyfriend Bobby, played by Brian Geraghty, has maybe three scenes in the entire thing. He apparently only exists to plant a red herring that's more silly than it is mysterious. And then there's the Mandrakis children, who are nothing more than two little wastes of time and space that do nothing more than whine, cry, and cause Jill to look all over the house for them, wasting time that she could be using to get the hell out of the house.

And let's not forget Katie Cassidy's character, Tiffany. The character bears almost no importance at all on the movie at large, outside of breaking up the monotony of Jill sitting on the couch by herself. Tiffany is another cliché: the party girl that drinks heavily and makes out with her friend's significant other. Frankly, if this were an R-rated affair, she'd probably be the movie's token naked girl. Though I wonder if the character was Wall's way of making a point about just how worn out this cliché is, as he has Tiffany come right out and say, "Jill, I'm a bitch. I know that, you know that, everybody knows that." But the thing is, Cassidy delivers that goofy line with a straight face. Nobody with half a brain spouts off stupid lines like that in real life, so either Wall was making a "wink-wink, characters like this are stupid" joke, or he just can't write his way out of a paper bag. I'm leaning towards the latter, personally.

The characters are awful, as are the cast. With the exception of the lead roles, every cast member is a complete non-factor. They really could have easily just pulled any random nobody who happened to be walking by the studio at any given time and stuck them in the movie. The only real redeeming factors in the entire cast are Lance Henriksen and Tommy Flanagan. Henriksen is a very talented actor whose work I enjoy very much, and it's my belief that the one true saving grace of the movie is his appearance as the voice that haunts Jill. Though he isn't utilized as often as I would have hoped, Henriksen casts an intimidating presence that the stranger's voice needs. The same can be said for Flanagan, who doesn't make an appearance until nearly seventy minutes into the movie. We very rarely see his face, but thanks to his very physical performance combined with Henriksen's work, the stranger is more terrifying than the script allows him to be.

However, the other main part of the movie's equation isn't as good as Henriksen and Flanagan. There are some actors who can take a poorly-written role and make it better with their performance. Camilla Belle is unfortunately not one of them. The character of Jill is alone for the majority of the movie, which requires a strong actress in order to fulfill the role's needs. But Belle is unconvincing, doing nothing to make Jill look like anything more than an ignorant clod. She doesn't draw any emotions outside of indifference from me. I didn't care if Jill lived or died, I just wanted her to go away. Her second-rate performance could be caused by the horrible script, or the director not getting the proper performance from his lead actress. But either way, if this performance is any indication, I doubt Belle will earn any kind of cult status as a "scream queen" in the future.

Since the movie is completely devoid of substance, it's up to director Simon West to at least give us a little style. And sadly, we barely get that. Previous entries on West's résumé, such as Con Air and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, had no need to build suspense. There is a need to build it here, but there is nearly none at all to be found. If anything, what West presents us with is a generic, paint-by-numbers movie that is thoroughly unsatisfying on almost every level. West only manages to work up two moments in the entire movie that I believe came across as being effective (the big reveal of the stranger hiding in the rafters, and a "boo!" scare shortly afterwards in the house's atrium).

To be perfectly honest, you could walk into the movie an hour late, and not have to worry about missing anything important. Nothing truly exciting or suspenseful happens until the last seventeen minutes of the movie, which only makes things drag on for far too long. And really, all that happens in the finale is some lame, drawn-out chase sequence that's been done a lot better by numerous other movies of this ilk. There is some decent cinematography by Peter Menzies Jr., but outside of that, the movie's direction is as uninspired as its screenplay and acting.

It isn't helped by James Dooley's musical score, either. The score is good, don't get me wrong, but it's much too invasive and overbearing. Its schizophrenic violins would have worked much better had the the guy running the sound mixing board turned the volume down a few notches during the editing process, but instead, the movie is just as painful on the ears as it is on the eyes.

The biggest compliment I can give the movie is that they didn't go the Scooby-Doo route and make the stranger some secondary character we forgot about. He's just an anonymous psychopath. But because the movie tries too hard to remain within the parameters of a PG-13 rating, we don't really get a sense of just how dangerous the stranger truly is. We hear that he's ripped fifteen people to pieces with his bare hands, we see a number of police officers hauling quite a few body bags out of a crime scene, but never do we attain a real sense of comprehension in regards to what he is capable of.

Instead, the stranger plays a pseudo-elaborate cat-and-mouse game with Jill that just draws on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until you just want to see something — anything — to give you a reason to keep watching the movie. Nearly every single attempt to build suspense in the movie is fruitless, because we know the stranger is just going to keep jerking Jill's chain until the cops call and tell her where he's at.

In their interviews on the DVD's "making of" featurette, West, Belle, and Wall explain how they apparently don't like horror movies, and defend actually making a horror movie by describing it as a "psychological thriller" instead. If that's the case, then When A Stranger Calls is an absolutely abysmal failure as both a horror movie and a thriller. The movie has no suspense, almost no worthwhile scares, and a cast that would probably be better suited doing commercials or crappy soap operas instead of theatrically-released feature films. And I sincerely hope that Lance Henriksen only did this movie because he had some overdue bills that needed to be paid, because someone with his talent shouldn't have to be relegated to bottom-of-the-barrel rubbish like this. If this was a remake that needed to be done, it could have been made a whole lot better.

Final Rating: *½

When A Stranger Calls (1979)

Urban legends have been around for quite some time. These modern versions of the tall tale often take shape as campfire tales, Internet chain mail, and stories heard from "a friend of a friend." Many of the more popular urban legends are the tales of terror: stories about hauntings, gruesome murders, deceased pets. One such urban legend served as the basis for the 1979 horror film When A Stranger Calls. Inspired by one of many urban legends centering around a terrorized babysitter, When A Stranger Calls has become a popular entry into the realm of '70s horror movies thanks to the minor influence it has had on the genre since then. Though it isn't quite as notable as other movies from the decade, I wonder if it should have more attention than it gets.

Jill Johnson (Carol Kane) is an ordinary high school student, hired by Dr. Alexander Mandrakis (Carmen Argenziano) and his wife (Rutanya Alda) to babysit their two children while they enjoy a night out on the town. The children are already tucked in for the night, so Jill naturally assumes it'll be a slow night of homework and chatting with friends on the telephone. But this is a horror movie; things don't always work out that way. During the night, Jill begins to get repeated phone calls that initially begin with the caller hanging up as soon as she says hello. The calls become more and more frequent, and Jill finally decides to call the police for some assistance. The officer that answers her, Sgt. Sacker (William Boyett), merely tells Jill that if she could find a loud whistle and blow it into the receiver next time he calls, he'll probably stop.

The calls continue, as the anonymous caller begins asking Jill if she has checked the children. She calls the police again, and Sgt. Sacker tells her that they'll trace the next call from the station as long as Jill keeps him on the phone for at least sixty seconds. And call back does the anonymous voice, and Jill tries her hand at striking up a conversation. This in turn creates the classic bit of dialogue:

Jill: "What do you want?"
The caller: "Your blood... all over me."

He hangs up as soon as she announces she called the police, and Sgt. Sacker immediately calls to inform Jill that the calls are not coming from an outside line... they're coming from inside the house. The caller opens the door at the top of the steps, just as Jill bolts for the front door and discovers the police on the front porch.

Fast forward seven years into the future. The caller, identified as a British merchant seaman named Curt Duncan (Tony Beckley), has been committed to a mental institution following that fateful night. It turns out that he mutilated both children with his bare hands, and called from the house's second phone line with the intention of killing Jill as soon as she checked on the children. Maybe it's a good thing she decided to hang out in the living room all night. But seven years have passed, and Duncan has escaped from the institution. Arresting officer John Clifford (Charles Dunning) has gotten out of the force and into the private investigation business, and Dr. Mandrakis hires him to track Duncan down and maybe kill him if he feels up to it.

From here, we cut to some cheap San Francisco pool hall named Torchy's. I didn't really have to say the name of the place, because it's a minor, unimportant detail. But come on, the place is named Torchy's. Either that's the coolest name for a bar ever, or the lamest. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, Duncan strolls into the place and starts flirting with a gruff barfly named Tracy Fuller (Colleen Dewhurst). She isn't exactly too taken by his advances, but he keeps on pressing anyway. He's nothing if not dedicated to what he does. But that dedication also manages to annoy one of the other patrons, who more or less defends Tracy's honor by beating Duncan bloody and throwing him out into the street.

Duncan ends up following Tracy to her apartment and lets himself in, and tries pulling the "woe is me" card. But she ain't having it, and she boots him out the door. That's what she should have done to begin with. Unless she has no problem with random weirdoes just waltzing into her apartment uninvited and making themselves at home. Anyway, he tries to get back into the house a little more forcefully, but gives that up when he doesn't get very far. I guess he's not as dedicated to his craft as I initially believed.

Shortly thereafter, Detective Clifford is out hitting the streets in search of Duncan. He follows a trail of clues to Torchy's, where he learns that his quarry was there harassing a patron the night before. He gets the patron's name and heads over to Tracy's apartment to speak to her. And let's say that ol' Clifford isn't the most polite person there is. The guy practically kicks her door down trying to get inside and speak with her. Then he has the nerve to act surprised when she doesn't believe he's a real detective. He somehow manages to talk her into letting him inside, and he tells her the story of the two Mandrakis kids. Clifford also suggests that she contact him if she runs into him again. If it were me, I would suggest that she purchase a firearm and shoot him on sight. But I didn't write the movie, so what do I know.

Later in the evening, Tracy returns to her apartment after a few drinks at Torchy's, only to discover that Duncan has broken into her apartment. He restrains her and tries explaining that he only wants to be her friend, but she manages to let out a scream, which prompts Clifford – who had been keeping tabs on her from a distance – to bust in and break things up. Duncan makes it out the back door and into an alley, managing to get several blocks away before Clifford can even get outside. Maybe if Duncan was running to the closest McDonald's, Clifford would have got him. Not to imply the guy is fat or anything, but I'm just saying.

Sometime later that night, Duncan acquires a bed at a homeless shelter. And I don't think he's doing too well, because he starts having flashbacks to killing the children and calling Jill, which prompts him to start having a nervous breakdown. I think it was a nervous breakdown; he just started sobbing hysterically while totally naked in the shelter's communal bathroom. Either way, I think any doubts regarding his insanity have been erased with this scene. But in any event, Clifford manages to get a few clues from some wino and tracks Duncan to the shelter. But like last time, Duncan manages to slip out through the shelter's back halls and elude Clifford once again.

So now that that's out of the way, let's find out what's been going on elsewhere. The seven years that have passed have seen Jill Johnson become Jill Lockhart, a mother of two children (Richard Bail and Sara Damman) whose husband Stephen (Steven Anderson) is a yuppie dork with a goofy haircut that makes him look like Weird Al Yankovic. Though to be honest, making that comparison is insulting to Weird Al. Stephen comes home from work late one afternoon and proclaims that he got a big promotion, and to celebrate, they leave the kids with a babysitter while they go enjoy a fancy dinner. While they're enjoying themselves and having a good time, the maître d' informs Jill that she has a phone call at the front desk. She puts the receiver to her ear, at which point she hears a voice from her past: "Have you checked the children?" Duncan has somehow found Jill once again, and the movie comes full circle as Clifford must stop Duncan before he can claim his intended victim from seven years prior.

I asked at the beginning of the review if When A Stranger Calls should get more attention than it does. And to be perfectly honest, I do not know. The middle hour is both tedious and useless, because it doesn't really lead anywhere. The movie would have been better served following Jill for the entire movie, because the storyline that we're taken down changes the movie from a straight horror film into something resembling a poorly done crime drama.

Really, if you watch the first twenty minutes and final twenty minutes, and skipped that plodding, go-nowhere second act, then you'd have seen a movie that wasn't too bad at all. And I point the finger of blame squarely at the screenplay penned by Steve Feke and Fred Walton. To be succinct, their script is ten pounds of crap in a five-pound bag. It probably doesn't help that Feke's résumé also includes such cinematic stinkburgers like Poltergeist III and Mac and Me.

The characters are so flat and one-dimensional, it's almost insulting. It's as if they were placeholders for characters. Clifford is an abrasive, obnoxious jerk despite being the hero, Duncan is more pathetic than psychotic, and the character of Tracy is thoroughly unnecessary. The only character that's remotely likable is Jill, and that's only because we're not given enough time to hate her like the others.

Even then, Jill comes across as being stupid and irresponsible. She continues to gets threatening calls, but she did almost nothing. Sure, it was smart of her to call the cops, but outside of that, she spent every last minute answering these calls. Why not call someone's parents – whether it be hers or the Mandrakises – right out of the gate? Why not call a friend and ask them to come over and keep her company? Why not even do her job and check the freaking children?

While doing that would make the most sense, the whole movie would have been ruined. She has to sit on the couch and continually answer these threatening telephone calls because if she does check the children, Duncan kills her and either he moves to another babysitter like a typical slasher movie, or the movie grinds to a screeching halt. As convenient as her not doing that may be for the story, it doesn't prevent the segment from becoming illogical and unrealistic.

Walton's direction, on the other hand, is not too bad. The first twenty minutes make for one of the more popular sequences in horror movie fandom, and the direction is a large part of it. The first twenty minutes are wonderful, as Walton sets a frighteningly eerie stage as Jill is all alone in this enormous house, yet trapped by a fear that becomes almost claustrophobic and confining. There are two moments in the movie where Walton's direction is particularly notable. One is a quite suspenseful bit where Jill hunts down the source of a bizarre cracking sound, only to discover that it's the refridgerator's ice machine. Ninety percent of the time, that would be used as a cheap scare, like a cat jumping out of a closet, but the way Walton sets it up makes it a very tense moment.

The second (and my personal favorite) portion of the segment occurs at the end, when we discover that Duncan is in the house. Jill makes a run for the front door, and just as she begins to unlock it, a door at the top of the steps opens. All we see is light from inside the room shining onto a far wall, a light which is soon filled by Duncan's shadow peering down the steps. My description does not do it justice, as this particular moment is fabulously frightening. But as the movie progresses, the direction – along with Donald Peterman's cinematography – becomes akin to just about any random cop show from the '70s before returning to a scarier horror-inclined style for the finale. However, the movie does boast an impressive, terrifying score by Dana Kaproff, though the music does get a little overbearing at times.

Lastly, the acting is give or take. Charles Dunning is supposed to be the hero, but he's just a mean, thoroughly unpleasant bully to everyone he meets. The guy treats everyone around him like dirt, and we're expected to root for him? The character isn't the least bit sympathetic, and Dunning's performance does it no favors. Besides, it doesn't help that the guy has two scenes where he chases the villain on foot, despite being a rather corpulent individual. Dunning looked like if he put any more effort into running, he'd keel over from a heart attack. I'll admit that I'm not exactly the paradigm of proper health and fitness, but couldn't they have casted a guy who was a little more in shape?

Tony Beckley's performance – the last of his career before his death due to cancer on April 19, 1980 – isn't as scary as perhaps it should have been. While I have no problems with him at all in the opening, he becomes more of a depressed, simpering wuss as the movie progresses. In only one scene after his big reveal does he actually come across as having a few screws loose, but it doesn't help anything because it's too late into the movie to really prove anything. However, I will say that he did the best with what he was given, since the script is mostly to blame for a lot of the flaws.

The best performance in the movie would have to belong to Carol Kane, mostly due to the process of elimination. Kane has garnered most of her fame from playing daffy characters like Simka Dahblitz-Gravas on Taxi and Miracle Max's wife in The Princess Bride, but her work here as the harried would-be murder victim is not bad. While the character of Jill is not exactly the brightest bulb in the lamp, Kane is believable as she moves from somewhat dismayed into terrified out of her mind.

If contained to itself, the first twenty minutes of the movie would have been up there with Halloween as one of the best movies of its ilk. The entire section of the movie is absolutely enthralling, some of the best horror filmmaking I've seen. Sure, there's the big gaping holes in its logic, but that isn't all that distracting. Want to know how good the opening act is? It directly inspired the first thirteen minutes of Wes Craven's love letter to horror films, Scream. Don't believe me? Watch both scenes side-by-side, and tell me if this doesn't seem a little familiar: A pretty blonde girl all alone, getting increasingly threatening phone calls from a deranged psychopath hiding somewhere in her house. The psychopath has already killed someone in the house, and is now after her. Yeah, it could just as easily be an homage to Black Christmas as well, but the similarities are there.

I know I've been singing the praises of that segment of the movie for the entire review, but really, it's probably the only really favorable thing I can say about the movie. The movie would have perhaps worked best if the opening had been included in a movie similar to Trilogy of Terror or Creepshow, but as it stands now, it's merely a great ingredient in a mediocre stew. But as always, your mileage may vary.

Final Rating: **½