I've written more than a few reviews where I've mentioned my love for the pop culture from my childhood. But for some reason, I never got into G.I. Joe or Transformers. I guess Hasbro toys always escaped me over the years. The closest I ever got to them was seeing the movies when I was an adult. And it's just kinda sad that the live-action movies never turned out all that well. The one that turned out the worst was G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Michael Bay's three movies based on the Transformers were painfully dumb, but at least they were memorable, which is more than I can say for The Rise of Cobra. It's a forgettable, disappointing mess. But it proved financially successful enough that it ended up with a sequel that I'm sure you've seen the advertising for by now. But if you haven't seen it, don't get in any rush. You aren't missing much.
After Pakistan's president is assassinated, the President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce) orders the G.I. Joes into duty to retrieve a nuclear warhead before Pakistani rebels can get their hands on it. Their mission is successful, but nearly the entire team is massacred when their extraction team opens fire on their base. Only three Joes ― Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and Flint (D.J. Cotrona) ― survive this massacre, and are shocked to discover that the President himself made the order to wipe out the Joes.
Things just keep getting worse for the surviving Joes, as the President holds a press conference to claim that the Joes had gone rogue and attempted to steal the warhead for their own purposes. They quickly manage to deduce that the President has actually been replaced by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), a master of disguise and agent for the terrorist organization Cobra. While Cobra agents Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun) and Firefly (Ray Stevenson) free Cobra Commander (Luke Bracey, with the voice of Robert Baker), from a subterranean prison in Germany, Zartan uses his position to call together a summit of the world's nuclear powers.
Cobra has been secretly assembling their own nuclear weapon they've named "the Zeus Initiative," and Zartan and Cobra Commander intend to use the summit to hold the world hostage with their weapon. But with the help of ninja Snake Eyes (Ray Park), his apprentice Jinx (Elodie Yung), and General Joseph Colton (Bruce Willis), the original G.I. Joe, Roadblock, Lady Jaye, and Flint vow to stop Cobra's plan and avenge their fallen brethren.
Have you ever seen one of those movies that you somehow manage to completely forget about once you leave the theater? That pretty much sums up G.I. Joe: Retaliation. If I hadn't scribbled down some notes in the theater's parking lot, I probably wouldn't have been able to write this review at all. Don't get me wrong, the movie is a lot of fun while you're sitting there watching it, but once it's over, all you have to show for it is that two hours have gone by and your wallet is ten dollars lighter. But I honestly cannot say that I disliked it, because it's still an enjoyable ride.
At the helm of this little adventure is Jon M. Chu, whose only directorial credits of note prior to this were Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D, and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Because when you're making a blockbuster action movie, you want to hire the guy who most recently made a Justin Bieber documentary and two movies about dance troupes. But Chu's direction on this particular movie is actually pretty good. It's nothing groundbreaking, and Chu's occasional use of that damnable "shaky-cam" action movie cliché is irritating. But he manages to make the movie fun and occasionally really exciting, especially during the one sequence where two groups of ninjas engage in a swordfight while hanging from the side of a mountain. The movie isn't ever going to be accused of being particularly intelligent, but Chu manages to make it watchable.
And you can tell that releasing the movie in 3D was a last-minute decision, because Chu doesn't do much to put it to good use. A lot of the movie looks flat, even though there were some moments ― like that mountainside swordfight I mentioned, for example ― that actually do really cool in 3D. But for the most part, the 3D conversion was otherwise unnecessary.
But while the 3D effects are lackluster, the screenplay is just plain bad. The script is credited to Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and you'd think the guys that wrote Zombieland could have come up with something better than the sack of crap they used as the script for G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I'm not going to say that I expected the movie to have intelligent, thought-provoking writing, but I wasn't expecting it to be so stupid, either. There's practically no real story to speak of, just a collection of scenes put together to look like a movie. The dialogue is banal, the characters are forgettable, and if it weren't for the action sequences, the movie would have been just plain boring. I have to reiterate that I'm honestly surprised that the guys who wrote Zombieland ended up writing this dumb thing.
And it feels like the cast knew the script sucked too, because a lot of the actors are forgettable, and Bruce Willis comes across like he just showed up to collect a paycheck. But there are a few cast members worth mentioning, at least. Channing Tatum makes an appearance in the movie, very briefly reprising his role from The Rise of Cobra, and I thought he did a fine job. He's not given much to do, but Tatum is still really good and quite funny. I also thought Dwayne Johnson was great in his role, but the whole movie was stolen by Jonathan Pryce. He plays the character with a hammy glee, making his scenes very entertaining to watch. I wouldn't say the movie was worth watching just for him, but I'd say Pryce's scenes are worth checking out on YouTube.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation was originally scheduled for a release date of June 29, 2012. It was delayed at the very last minute for a full nine months, however, so the movie could be converted into 3D and scenes with Channing Tatum could be added to capitalize on his surge in popularity following the success of 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike. But you'd think they could have taken that time to actually make the movie good. The movie suffers due to its awful script and mostly dull acting, when it honestly didn't have to be that way. The only thing the movie actually has going for it is the sense of dumb, silly fun that permeates every frame. As bad as G.I. Joe: Retaliation is, it's still a lot of fun to watch. I honestly couldn't bring myself to hate it because it does have some enjoyable moments. I just wish that somebody could make a G.I. Joe movie that's as good as that animated movie from the '80s. Would that be so hard for Hollywood do?
Final Rating: **
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